Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I send it

(126 Posts)
vintagesun Mon 06-Jun-16 19:31:09

Dp cheated on me, we are still together and atm I am happy. But i have a message typed out to OW, I want her to know how much she hurt me. I have given dp hell for this, I've said all these things to him. But I want her to know what she did. I want closure. Do I send it? In the message I'm not horrible or shouty.

fastdaytears Mon 06-Jun-16 19:32:27

No! It won't be closure. It will stir everything back up.
Revenge is being happy and carrying on like she meant nothing.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Jun-16 19:33:30

Don't send it.

She doesn't care about your feelings and you shouldn't give her that insight into your state of mind.

pictish Mon 06-Jun-16 19:34:24

Don't send it. I am assuming this all happened some time ago if you have come to terms with what happened and are now able to be happy with your cheating partner. I don't know why you feel the need to to contact her now.

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Jun-16 19:34:31

Don't give her the power. And don't treat him as a prize, whatever you do. He's the one who cheated on you. Unless she was a friend of yours, he's the one you should be furious with.

Whisky2014 Mon 06-Jun-16 19:35:20

Don't show yourself to be weak.

vintagesun Mon 06-Jun-16 19:35:42

I know that she is very much under the illusion that he was a great love and I am the bad person who too him away. Which isn't true because it was his idea who move away as start again.

pictish Mon 06-Jun-16 19:35:47

Also agree that chances are she won't particularly care about hurting you. Who are you to her after all? All you'd be doing is communicating her power over you.

Vriksasana Mon 06-Jun-16 19:36:16

NO!!

I agree with the others. She'd receive it and feel sorry for you because she'd know that those feelings are transference, from your H to her.

Send a letter to you H

Razorlightnight Mon 06-Jun-16 19:36:40

I really wouldn't. What if she doesn't give a shit? What if she laughs? Goes into graphic details of the affair?

How long since you found out? My partner had online sexting thing with another woman. I found out six months ago. I (annoyingly) still feel the need to stalk her Instagram account so I can roll my eyes at her but no longer care if she knows she contributed to my being hurt or not. I'm very glad I didn't contact her when I did care if she knew too!

ChicRock Mon 06-Jun-16 19:37:03

What reaction exactly are you wanting from her that will give you closure?

Are you prepared for her to read how much you're hurting and reply with "I don't give a fuck" or worse?

TheNaze73 Mon 06-Jun-16 19:39:27

There is not one part of me that thinks it would be a good idea, for you to send it. Sorry but, she will not have one iota of sympathy for you. Just don't do it

vintagesun Mon 06-Jun-16 19:39:32

I don't know, i just want her to know the hurt she caused. It happened 6momths ago, we have since moved away and started again. We are happy, he's done everything he can to try and make things right, I do believe he's sorry. But I still can't stop myself thinking about it sad

SandyY2K Mon 06-Jun-16 19:43:25

I can tell you that many many affairs never end on dday.

I also don't think her knowing how you feel is revenge - I just wouldn't give her the knowledge of knowing she's hurt me.

Hotwaterbottle1 Mon 06-Jun-16 19:44:41

How will this help, even if she said sorry would it help? You may be opening a can of worms. I would just move on .

vintagesun Mon 06-Jun-16 19:45:42

I don't think of it as revenge as such, I was just hoping that she'd think about what she did but i guess you're all right. It did feel a bit better just writing it down. I'm going to a therapist. I was really messed up for a long time after it happened.

Vriksasana Mon 06-Jun-16 19:48:35

If you read the first chapter of 'how to win friends and influence people' you learn that nobody ever really thinks they've done anything wrong. They rationalise things so that in their own mind, whatever shabby, morally weak thing they did was justified, or there were mitigating circumstances.

I haven't been in your shoes but as you are staying with your H, I guess there is a whole of emotion with nowhere to go. You can't continue to fire it all at him if you are staying with him.

MidnightLullaby Mon 06-Jun-16 19:51:47

She won't care. She won't think about what she did. If she was that way inclined, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. On the off chance that she really believed him and that it was over and he was truly in love with her, then she will already feel like shit and it won't make any difference.

She doesn't deserve to have that kind of window into your soul. She is nothing to you; she deserves no part of you.

vintagesun Mon 06-Jun-16 19:53:49

How do I stop thinking about it? It's driving me crazy. I do believe that he's sorry and won't do it again or I wouldn't have taken him back. He's been very open and honest with me since but I still can't get it out of my head

SandyY2K Mon 06-Jun-16 19:55:41

Affair recovery can take between 2 and 5 years. Look at the PM I sent you.

* You will have triggers
* It will be on your mind
* You will have trust issues

OWs often view you as the obstacle. They
are deluded in reality. They don't realise they are usually just a bit on the side.

Believe me she is probably suffering as it is right now. That's not to say I'm sympathetic of course. Leave her to suffer and focus on your recovery, while she wallows in self pity.

GipsyDanger Mon 06-Jun-16 19:56:52

Bitterness is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go

Thisisnow16 Mon 06-Jun-16 19:57:57

I think you are projecting your anger towards her when it really should be at your husband. Do you know why he did it and have you both resolved the problem?

vintagesun Mon 06-Jun-16 19:58:40

I find myself hating her more than him, is that normal? I know he's as much to blame.

vintagesun Mon 06-Jun-16 19:59:56

We were having problems and she was a shoulder to cry on so to speak, she knew we were having problems and took advantage of that.
Funny thing is since it happened, me and him have been better, things have been a lot better.

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 06-Jun-16 20:00:04

God no! Try and salvage some tiny bit of dignity from this, even if you're keeping the one that actually cheated on you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now