Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

gone NC with narc - why do i feel scared?

(22 Posts)
ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 18:12:48

Finally gone no contact with vary narcissistic aunt.

She cut me off after falling out with my mum, only maintaining contact via sending my DD birthday and Xmas presents. As DA had told me she would have nothing to do with any of us once my grandma dies, I made the decision to ask her to stop sending presents and cards now.

My DD is 5 and will be able to adapt to not having contact via presents with DA now. I feel that my DA waiting until my grandma dies, with DD therefore being older and able to understand more, would mean DD being more likely to feel hurt in the future.

Due to all round toxicity, narcissistic behaviour and game playing, I decided it was time to address the matter. I contacted DA and asked for presents not to be sent, as DD was getting upset she they arrived, wondering why she could not see her great Aunt.

DA replied that she had no idea she was rejecting DD, even though she has ignored all invitations to get together.

She was also annoyed about what she would tell her DC (12 & 13).

I said that in that case, I'd keep sending presents to them as I don't want them upset, but could she please not reciprocate as the contact was upsetting DD. I received a stern text back telling me that we should just so as I originally suggested and cease all present giving from both sides. She told me to have a nice life.

My DA has tried to manipulate me for years, and cut us off about 3 years ago. So I feel my request for us to pretty much stop the charade of present giving was fair enough. For some reason I feel really nervous and scared after all this.

What do you think about what has happened? Was I unfair?

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 18:14:07

Sorry for typos and rant!

Hissy Mon 06-Jun-16 18:21:44

Definitely not unfair love.

Your cousins are sadly victims of this, but it's not as a result of your actions. You could open up a Savings account, and one day give it to them when they are older/indendent of her? If you get the opportunity to give the money, they will know you've thought of them. If not, it's a nest egg.

You can't be all things to all people, you can't negotiate with terrorists, and you need to put your dd first.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 18:36:57

Thanks Hissy. That's a lovely idea about the savings accounts. I'll look into that.

I must admit, when I read the text reply that she sent me, I did think it odd that she was placing responsibility for upsetting her DC on me, when I am simply responding to her actions. Then I remembered that all this time, she's been telling her kids we're all too busy to meet up, so us no longer sending presents is going to upset the applecart.

I was sad that in her reply there was not one mention of my DD or her feelings.

I just feel scared though - as if I'm a small child waiting to be told off for doing something really bad. Its a horrible feeling.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 19:18:25

Hi, just bumping for anyone else.

LadyReuleaux Mon 06-Jun-16 19:26:39

In the past few years I have put my foot down with some really difficult relatives, and I've been absolutely terrified each time. That I don't deserve to say what I want or say no to how they've treated me, and that there's going to be some terrible punishment.

So far there hasn't, apart from them being pissed off. I think it stems from my childhood when I was in a very dysfunctional and abusive family. Does that apply to you at all?

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 19:35:07

I think that makes sense. This aunt has always been a focal point that the family revolved around. She's the youngest of my Grandmas four children, and I was certainly brought up around a culture of never upsetting her, as if her feelings mattered more than anyone else's. I realised years ago that both she and my grandma are genuine narcissists, and made my aunt's siblings into flying monkeys. When my mum wouldn't do something my aunt wanted, DA was abusive then cut her off. And myself as I am my mum's daughter and DA thought there was a conspiracy towards her, between my mum and I. It has been draining and tedious for years.

I suppose I think she may send the flying monkeys my way, many of whom are absolutely vile.

Imbroglio Mon 06-Jun-16 20:14:45

Perfectly normal to feel upset and anxious about this.

There may or may not be a backlash. If you are lucky she'll feel she has had the last work by telling you not to send presents to her children, thus turning the whole thing on its head and making it her decision to have nothing more to do with you.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 20:45:43

Imbroglio - I hope that is the case as it then means she won't feel the need to ramp things up.

It might sound silly, but I've been wanting to go properly NC with her for a while. Every time I had to send a present or received a card I felt sick. As this is the only contact we had, I knew that getting rid of it would mean we were NC. And I would feel free. Except I don't, I just feel sick and scared. Hope I feel better with time.

Imbroglio Mon 06-Jun-16 20:50:16

I've had that feeling. It sucks. You are doing the right thing preventing your children having to go through the same thing.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 20:56:54

Thanks - did a feeling of freedom come in the end, do you mind me asking, or have I just exchanged one shit situation for another? Aargh!

Imbroglio Mon 06-Jun-16 21:12:19

Well everyone's situation is different. Going through a bit of a shitty patch at the moment but on the whole the worse it gets the less doubt I feel, if you see what I mean, and its the doubt that eats away at you.

I do get anxiety if I have to be in contact because its all very false and smiley and I hate that insincerity. I keep contact to an absolute minimum and don't ask or answer any personal questions.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 21:18:39

I get where you're coming from. To be honest, even though I'm sad at realising that someone I love is a narc, I still never want to see her again. I'd rather grieve and move forwards.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 06-Jun-16 21:20:33

Yes it will feel better in time.

You have been trained from birth to feel sick at the mere thought of challenging the cow.

Hell fire will rain down on you; she has super powers; she is all powerful; noone ever challenges her and lives to tell the tale; there is no escape from the all powerful fire-breathing mad aunty Lucinda (or whatever her name is). Flying monkeys will descend.

Build yourself a nice new mental image of her. As a comical wannabee petty tyrant, whom you pity not fear. Laughing at her speeds up the getting better process.

Also, absolutely refuse to discuss it with any of the monkeys. It is freeing to know you won't be brow beaten because you will simply refuse to listen. "I don't want to talk about auntie or hear about her. How are your tomatoes growing this year?"

You will have to be rude to the flying monkeys. They will enjoy many hours of back room bitching sessions about you. The cousins will be told horror stories of how awful you are. Random strangers too most likely if it is anything like my family.

Until they all get bored of the lack of drama fodder provided by you being NC and refusing to engage with the flying monkeys.

I think someone on here called it grey pebble theory. It works.

jillyarmeen16 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:22:57

If she is a genuine narc then it's no surprise she's putting the responsibility of her kids hurt feeling onto you is it? That's classic narc behaviour. You will feel better in time, have you done much research into narc personalities? There are lots of groups on Facebook and articles online if you care to learn more, sometimes just seeing the crazy written down by someone else and thinking 'yep that's it' can be validating also might help you prepare for any fall out you might expect x

jillyarmeen16 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:23:52

Grey rock.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 21:38:11

Thanks for replying both of you.

Most of the flying monkeys will have their work cut out because I'm screening all my calls for the foreseeable, and I don't think they'd just turn up.

I do know a fair bit about NPD and her contact with me read like a complete Narc's script. It's completely surreal to see it in action though. The text was "me, me, me, my kids, me". If it wasn't so hurtful, I would actually be boggling over it.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 21:39:55

Jilly - sorry, what does Grey Rock refer to?

jillyarmeen16 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:48:28

Grey rock is no contact. You just act like a rock to them and the monkeys. Google it, loads of stuff online unfortunately seems like there's quite a few of these vampires about, even more of their victims.

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 21:58:32

Thanks, I'll have a look. There does seem to be fair few of them. Oh well, I shall just have the last laugh by living well!

Hoppinggreen Mon 06-Jun-16 22:12:06

I went nc with my narc father when I found out I was pg with my first child.
I was terrified but then I realised that he had no power over me at all and I have no regrets at all. I didn't visit him when he was dying and I didn't go to the funeral.
3 years ago I went nc with my narc brother ( although I do occasionally see sil and the children). That was harder as I had hero worshipped him when we were younger but I realised that I really didn't like him and didn't want to be bullied anymore - I didn't like the person I became when I was with him.
No regrets there either. My mum finds it hard but she knows my reasons are valid and hasn't tried to change my mind.
A turning point was when I realise that I didn't miss them at all, I missed having A father and A brother but they were certainly NOT better than none at all

ChiefChocolateTester Mon 06-Jun-16 22:47:32

Ooh that resonates Hopping. I used to hero worship my DA too. I miss who I thought she was, not who she has actually turned out to be IYSWIM. I've googled that Grey Rock stuff and it looks helpful.

I know my Grandma will find it hard with me being NC with DA. I feel guilt that the idea of seeing DA repels me so much, that I don't know if I could bring myself to go to my Grandma's funeral when the time comes. That is awful of me. My poor mum would want me there. I'd rather go to my own church and say a prayer there. That is not nice of me at all.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now