Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Was it me?

(27 Posts)
Hurtandconfused2016 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:38:23

I'm driving my self mental here.
My ex left in January for ow. When he first left he said it was because he didn't love me anymore....
We had a few arguments and he then threw in my face that I was emotionally abusing him.
At the time he left I was 32 weeks pregnant and had a 2 year old to deal with. I was already suffering from depression (wasn't getting help at this point) and the thought of suicide crossed my mind. I openly spoke to my ex at the time (we were on great terms) He was supporting me with it (helping with out son so I could go to the doctors).
I am driving myself mad thinking was I emotionally abusive? Was me moaning that I would come home from work to a messy house whilst he was on the xbox talking to his friends ignoring ds being abusive?
Was telling him I was unhappy about how he was looking after our ds wasn't good enough (not getting his bum changed for hours not having his dinner till 8pm)
He would often not see his family unless I took him there.
There was a few times I couldn't speak to him about it because he would instantly say I was being unreasonable and blowing everything out of the water.
Just before he left he went on a works night out (he said because I didn't text him I was in a huff really it was because I was unwell was just out of hospital had a 2 year old to look after) I picked him up from his works night out and we were supposed to go to the cinema that night but I had been vomiting the whole day so didn't feel up to it. I said to him to go but be careful as he had been drinking all day and didn't want him to fall asleep. He took this as me telling him not to go! When we got home I wanted a cuddle so I lay my head on his laptop and he was so cold. Little did I know it was because he Met the ow at the night out!
I am making myself feel sick here thinking I was he reason he left me and the babies.

Hurtandconfused2016 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:42:19

Just to add I was scared of him going on a works night out because when I was 20 weeks pregnant with ds he cheated on me with a work colleague and left me for her. I told him my insecurities I never hid them from him

Oddsocksgalore Mon 06-Jun-16 16:42:31

He left cos he's a cunt.

purplefox Mon 06-Jun-16 16:47:32

Considering he cheated on you before all of what you wrote in the first post happened, no it wasn't your fault. He sounds like a serial cheat that you're better off without, don't use him as a support through your pregnancy/depression and see a counsellor.

Hurtandconfused2016 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:05:25

Purple I don't any more I have had to go to lawyers to get him to see his kids. He sees ds 1 day a week because it's to inconvenient to travel from the ow. He's not seen baby since they were 4 weeks (now 14 weeks old) due to an argument were I am disgusting and he can't stand to look at me so didn't come to the birth and won't meet me in a public place to see baby!

Clutterbugsmum Mon 06-Jun-16 18:18:38

I will repeat Oddsocksgalore quote

"He left cos he's a cunt.".

If he had stayed he would have continue to cheat on your for the rest of your married life.

You could do nothing to stop him/them doing this as they both knew his home circumstance and they still would have done this.

britmodgirl Mon 06-Jun-16 21:20:36

Yep just adding to the 'he's a cunt' vote.


jillyarmeen16 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:29:09

It's not you, it's him. Cheating is abuse. He's continuing to control and abuse you now. Also voting for cunt.
I remember your threads at the time, was going through similar myself thankfully not pregnant, you have been very brave and strong, think how far you've come. That's all you can do on the worst days, you're over the worst, keep going and stop doubting yourself. flowers

Hurtandconfused2016 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:38:57

Thanks everyone think I'm just having a wobble because of all the court/lawyers stuff. And when people ask me about him seeing baby and I have to say he hasn't seen her in 9 weeks.
I just start to blame myself. I have phoned my councillor to see if I can get an appointment with her as I'm having a wobble.

jillyarmeen16 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:42:46

Is it you pushing the court stuff? From what I can understand from your posts you haven't stopped him seeing the babies so just leave him to it. If he wants to take you to court let him, he will look an idiot. Keep all messages inviting him for contact.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Jun-16 21:47:26

Cheaters often rewrite marital history. You should be glad he's gone what a useless husband. He cheated on you twice while pregnant! This is where I wonder what kind of OW thinks she's with a decent man.

He's a fool. I hope your son doesn't take after such a poor example of a father.

He could have infected you with all sorts while sticking himself into other women.

Hurtandconfused2016 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:48:53

I pushed the lawyers to get it in writing to say he has 3 days one over night. So that if either of us went back on it it would look bad on us (this for his benefit too so I couldn't stop him seeing ds even though I wouldnt but just a piece of mind for him) any way he reduced it to just one over night. Too inconvenient to travel 10 mins to pick ds up.
With baby I was taking her to his parents for him to spend time with her and first time he slept for 4 hours on the sofa holding her 2nd time he ignored our little boys needs. I was only there to see he was able and comfortable with 2 kids as it's harder than having one. With her being a new baby I didn't want to leave her. But he dropped me off (I had a csection couldn't drive) He said I was disgusting he hated the fact he had to sit in the room and look at me.
So I said no more it would have to be in a public place where I could bring someone with me and he said no he wasn't having that.
I am currently waiting a reply from my last lawyers letter and my lawyer invited him to take me to court.

jillyarmeen16 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:51:45

Your lawyer sounds sensible. Let him do the running from now on, I don't think a court would order you to leave a baby that young she's still tiny. He will give up soon enough might be the best thing all round really x

Hurtandconfused2016 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:55:26

Yeah I would be a lot happier if he did! As awful as it sounds my 2 year old is confused God knows what it's going to be like when baby is old enough to understand. No my lawyer said baby wouldn't be asked to go with him until he was 6 months if he had regular contact but because he hasn't it would most likely be a contact centre

smilingeyes11 Mon 06-Jun-16 22:19:33

I doubt he will take you to court - he can't be bothered. I would stop begging him to be a father. You are tying yourself in knots and it is his job to pursue a relationship with his children. If he doesn't bother then there is nothing you can do to change that.

winkywinkola Mon 06-Jun-16 22:57:00


Don't force the relationship with the dcs.

nowaybaby Mon 06-Jun-16 23:05:14

"He said I was disgusting he hated the fact he had to sit in the room and look at me.
So I said no more it would have to be in a public place where I could bring someone with me and he said no he wasn't having that."

He doesn't want to be a real dad to his children. He disrespects you. Please stop thinking about what he wants or should be doing. Put you and your DC first. He is putting himself first. I'm sorry he's let you down but you need to disengage. And you were not abusive. That's him trying to shift the blame off his shoulders.

Hurtandconfused2016 Tue 07-Jun-16 02:03:19

Thanks everyone I'm just worried Me moaning about things like cleaning up is being emotionally abusive and when the kids are older I will have to explain why daddy said I treated him bad.

I am trying not to contact him about contact. He showed up last week to take ds even though there was no agreement made and then stormed in a huff when my mum told him no! He still hasn't contacted me to see when/if he can see him.

Resilience16 Tue 07-Jun-16 05:48:16

I am so sorry you are in this situation. The only person who was/is abusive here is your ex. He has cheated on you, he was been verbally abusive and he has done the classic abusers trick if trying to make you feel you are in the wrong for confronting him in any way.
Keep a diary of his behaviour with regards when he is meant to see the kids and doesn't turn up, or when he turns up and is abusive etc.He is manipulating contact with the kids in an attempt to keep manipulating you.
What a nob! He did you a favour leaving.
Onwards and upwards x

LellyMcKelly Tue 07-Jun-16 06:13:22

He's gas lighting you, and it's working. He told you he left because you were emotionally abusive. That's not true. He left because he wanted to be with his fancy woman, and to blame you for making him. What a shit.

OurBlanche Tue 07-Jun-16 08:02:47

Good job your mum see it for what it is... and has no problme telling him 'No'.

He is, as others have said, doing what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. He has no prolonged thoughts about you or the kids and his comments to/about you are just what cheaters do/say to make themeselves feel better about how they acted - they didn't mean to, you forced them, that sort of crap!

Ignore him. Until his solicitor gets back in touch, he does not exist!

Hurtandconfused2016 Tue 07-Jun-16 08:44:09

Resilience - I have had a diary since he left incase it went to court and also when my babies are older and ask what happened I can show them that I tried so hard for him to be in their life.

Lelly - he only threw this in my face when I found out he stayed with the ow 3 days after he left me despite saying nothing would happen with her until I had his daughter. He showed up 1hr late to pick up ds and I phoned him and told him not to bother. I was far too livid the fact he went back on his promise and also was an hour late.

Our - my mum hates him she has seen me loose 3st during pregnancy getting treatment for an eating disorder being suicidal she has no time for him.

The problem is we still have a family home to get sold too so even if he doesn't bother with the kids I have the house to deal with.

smilingeyes11 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:21:41

who cares what he says - just because he may say something it doesn't make it true

Hurtandconfused2016 Tue 07-Jun-16 16:46:29

I'm just worried what he will tell the kids. Mummy stopped me seeing you mummy done this I can hear it all in my head the now even his family have all cut ties with me and the kids. Even though his mum said she would always support me because she wasnt happy with what he done.

I want my kids to know I always done my best.

smilingeyes11 Tue 07-Jun-16 17:39:09

Why are you worried, that they will believe the lies of a man who walked out and didn't bother. Or will they trust a mother who has always been decent and there for them. You need to stop worrying about the claptrap he pedals and start believing in yourself and what is right.

No contact with him and his family is the best way.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now