Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling very confused

(76 Posts)
user1464906672 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:33:01

I need to tell someone about this as my head is reeling. I'm a lone parent to dd,her dad left not long after I got pregnant and hasn't been seen since. I've had a few short relationships since but nothing serious. 4 weeks ago I went on a date with a guy I met OLD-we'd had a nice chat but I didn't expect much as its all been a disaster previously.It was amazing.Instant chemistry,felt completely at ease from the get go,talked nonstop and by the end had told each other absolutely everything about ourselves and when we kissed at the end of the night it was just lovely. He was very open about having separated from his wife a year ago after a very short, unhappy marriage,as I was about dd and how she comes before anyone else,always. It was just easy,easy,easy. We talked next day and agreed we both felt there was something there and that we'd see each other exclusively from then on.A week later he announces that he's been offered his dream job in another country (think very big industry in sunny part of the world) and would be leaving in 2 months. Gutted. We decided to keep seeing each other til he left and it could be one of those short amazing flings that we'd remember for the rest of our lives.The last few weeks have been some of the happiest of my life and he's said the same. I introduced him to DD (as my friend) and they get on like a house on fire. Last week he asked if I would consider moving with dd to be with him when he goes.He feels we have a once in a lifetime connection and should give it a chance but understands that because of dd and the upheaval we'd have to take it slow but he'll do whatever and take as long as I need. He's willing to financially support us and will basically move heaven and earth to have us with him. And God help me but I've started daydreaming about it-it's a place I've always wanted to live and would be a brilliant place for dd to grow up.I can honestly say I've never met anyone who makes me feel like this before and when I think of the three of us being a little family unit it makes me ridiculously happy. Then (yes, there's a then!) over the weekend we met for dinner and he was not his usual self-very out of sorts. He said he'd told a friend about us and asking me to move out there and 'she went fucking mental and started ranting and raving' and had really upset him. He said she wasn't a close friend,just someone he'd dated briefly but nothing had ever happened because he wasn't attracted to her and they'd only kept in touch because she was lonely and he felt sorry for her but really regretted that now as she was clearly bitter and he was now cutting all contact with her. He came round for tea with dd yesterday and was still upset as this woman was hounding him and he is feeling very harrassed but isn't going to respond as she is just trying to get his attention. After tea he set his tablet up for DD to watch some cartoons on Netflix and we chatted through the logistics of moving and I said that I'd be happy to come out in the summer for a few weeks to get a feel for things and we can take it from there. He was thrilled. This morning he called to say he left his tablet behind. Found it in the living room. It wasn't locked.You can guess the rest. There is a messaging app he doesn't use with me and a thread with a woman who I assume is the friend that goes back to at least last September and has over 1,000 messages in it between them,virtually every day bar the last couple of weeks. Presumably because he's been busy with me. The last few are from her to him with no reply. She is accusing him of using dd and I to stop him from feeling lonely when he moves and telling him if he really believes that asking 'someone you've known less time than the food in your fridge' (ouch) to go with him is normal behaviour then he clearly hasn't learned anything about 'mistaking grand gestures for feelings'.She says lots of other stuff about honesty and responsibility and being himself not who he thinks I want him to be.Her last message is saying that she accepts she crossed the line but is worried about him and 'can't stand by and say nothing but I know you don't want to hear that so I understand that our friendship is over'. He hasn't replied. I have scrolled back through the messages and I can't get my head round it. Some are very flirty and suggestive and she makes it clear that she's attracted to him. Yet in recent messages (before me) it looks like he tried to make a move on her on a night out and she knocked him back. They send each other silly jokes and pictures.Talk about their day,things they've watched on telly,books,films. There's some quite emotional stuff that seems to be about an argument they had and he goes on and on about how important she is to him as a friend and that he will do anything to protect their friendship. But he's sworn to me she's means nothing to him and he only felt sorry for her?!
I feel horrible for snooping and I know I'll have to confess but right now I don't know what to think-why is he so upset about someone who means nothing to him and why does she care where he goes and who with?

user1464906672 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:33:23

Sorry should have added VERY LONG

DeathStare Mon 06-Jun-16 16:59:40

You need to talk to him about this before you make a move to the other side of the world.

However personally I don't see a problem with these messages. He told you they used to be friends and now aren't any more. He told you they used to date. He told you she did approve of him asking you to move with him. He said he was cutting her off. All that matches what you found so I'm not clear what the problem is.

Is the problem that when he was single he was flirty with her? If it is then I really don't think he's done anything wrong.

girlinacoma Mon 06-Jun-16 17:05:56

Long and without paragraphs - my poor eyes grin

Just some practical advice from me if you do decide to move out there:

Make sure you have enough money in a separate savings account for yours and DDs return flights should you need to leave in a hurry.

Depending on which country you are moving too, how will you be able to ensure you are financially independent from this man?

Can you work? Would you need a visa to do so?

HandyWoman Mon 06-Jun-16 17:14:19

Er.... sounds like she and him have very fluid boundaries together and I would be petrified he would be be able to blow hot and cold with you too... Plus the 'we told each other everything about ourselves in on night' date. Mmmmm, where are the boundaries? Eek!!!

Thinking of moving out there? It's a massive gamble. There's no way to get to know this guy.

Personally I'd say run for the hills...

user1464906672 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:16:28

Sorry, was so busy typing paras went out the window.

I guess I am feeling so confused because he seems to be very rattled by what he said and there is so much to and fro in the messages it doesn't seem like this is just something he did out of pity and she seems to be very invested in what he does. Maybe she thought there would be more and I have put a spanner in the works?

I would need a visa to work. He seems confident that as he has been headhunted for this job and they are desperate to have him that getting a visa for DD and I as well could be do-able. But it's been 4 weeks - would they even take him seriously? He is happy to be financially responsible for us.

HandyWoman Mon 06-Jun-16 17:19:41

You simply cannot move out there reliant on this man. You can't!!!!!!

I agree with fluid-boundaried-would-be-maybe-was-girlfriend type message-app-friend person - it's mad!!!!!!!!!!

MatrixReloaded Mon 06-Jun-16 17:20:12

Have I read this wrong ? You are considering moving to another country with a man you've known for four weeks ? You've introduced your dd ?

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Jun-16 17:25:45


You cannot possibly consider moving to another country with your daughter to live with a man you barely know. See sense.

You hardly know anything about him! He might have filled you in on facts, but you don't know his character at all at this point.

You won't know one person when you're there. He'll be busy at work. Your daughter will wonder where the hell she is. You'll be utterly dependent on him for company, for accommodation and for money. Are you mad?

If you were 25 and single I'd still think you were mad, but with a home and a child?

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Jun-16 17:26:38

How old is your daughter?

girlinacoma Mon 06-Jun-16 17:29:40

If this is the USA OP then this man is wrong about the visa situation I'm afraid. Is it the US?

user1464906672 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:32:44

DD is 3. My thinking is that we could go there in the summer once he has settled in just to get a feel for things. I realise a lot could change in the meantime but it feels like it makes sense. I can't explain why but it just feels like it might be the start of something amazing for all of us.

But these messages niggle me. I know he has no contact with his ex wife bar sorting out the final parts of the divorce so that doesn't bother me but this woman does. If any of my friends had that kind of go at me - and she really was very harsh with him - I'd be upset too but I wouldn't cut them dead unless I was very, very hurt. And why would he be that hurt by someone who means nothing?

user1464906672 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:33:37

It is the US, yes

pouncehill Mon 06-Jun-16 17:40:11

Imo the messages before you two went on a date are completely irrelevant. He was honest and said that she had hounded him etc etc and he didn't reply. At least to me it sounds like he is telling the truth.

I would sit down and have a chat. It's a big thing you're planning on doing. But tbh if I was you I would go for it and move. It's a great opportunity. Just like PP said, make sure you have some savings and a back up plan in case you need to come back

Orangetoffee Mon 06-Jun-16 17:41:25

Well what ever kind of relationship they have, she speaks a lot of sense. Sorry OP, but you would be mad to go with him, you don't know him. And he is wrong about the visa situation.

user1464906672 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:45:12

I have no clue about the visa situation to be honest, he just seems very confident that it would be do-able.

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Jun-16 17:54:37

If it's the US, you wouldn't get a visa to work there, so you'd be dependent on him. I know you really like him, but surely you can see the pitfalls of being utterly dependent on someone you hardly know? He could end the relationship while you're there and you'd have to move back with nothing! You'd have no home or job here - what would you do?

Morasssassafras Mon 06-Jun-16 17:58:46

You've said he'd be happy to support you financially. What would that look like? Is that he pays everything and then you have to ask for money for anything /everything else? Or would he give you a monthly amount to cover you and dc each month into your own account? You'd get a credit card that you could buy whatever and he'll cover the cost each month without querying every cent? Think about that and talk to him about the specifics and then think hard about whether you can live with someone having that amount of control over you. How often would he be happy to pay for you and dc to fly back and visit family and friends? Especially if you couldn't get a working visa and were financially dependant for a long time. What if in 6 months things aren't working for one of you? Would you have housing to come back to?

I get that it will seem at one level like a dream come true but many women have found the dream turning into a nightmare.

Talk specifics and make sure you have a way out if you need it.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 06-Jun-16 18:03:58

I know he has no contact with his ex wife bar sorting out the final parts of the divorce so that doesn't bother me

^ ^ This would certainly bother me as in the eyes of the law and U.S immigration he's a married man and while his company may obtain a visa for his spouse there's no way that he, or they, will obtain the necessary documentation for you to live and work in the U.S with your dd.

Get your head out of the clouds, OP. This is no more than infatuation on your part and an ego boost on his. Give him five minutes a couple of months across the pond and he'll be head over heels with a Californian beach babe

In the unlikely event that your plan to visit him for a couple of weeks comes to fruition, I would suggest you don't book flights until a couple of days before the planned date and make sure that the return tickets don't incur a penalty should you need to get back to the UK earlier than anticipated.

LonestarStateOfMind Mon 06-Jun-16 18:04:05

If this is the start of something wonderful would he consider staying put?

user1464906672 Mon 06-Jun-16 18:20:01

I don't think he would stay, no. He is very excited by the move and it's what he has always wanted.

The marriage only lasted 10 months, they have already been separated over a year and the divorce should be finalised shortly - surely that will be taken into account during the visa process?

The money thing I haven't thought about to that extent yet. You are right, it would be a lot of control to hand over but I do think I can trust him. He is very open. I think waiting to go out in the summer is the best course of action. If we still want to be together after that then we will have the conversation.

girlinacoma Mon 06-Jun-16 18:21:16

You have virtually zero chance of securing a visa OP I'm afraid. If he was being transferred internally from his current office to a US office then it's possible, but starting work for a new employer? There is absolutely no chance and nor would you be able to support yourself through self employment.

You will be completely and utterly dependent on him from a financial point of view.

Are you really prepared to put yourself and your child in that position?

How come he doesn't know this? How do YOU not know this?

Jan45 Mon 06-Jun-16 18:22:29

Are you mad, you are going to move yourself and your daughter to America with a man you barely know and she certainly hardly.

Sorry but it sounds like a mad disaster about to happen, plus the crap about this OW, he is clearly lying to you about!

Head out clouds, he should stay here if he can if he's so besotted with you or at least you both need to date, not move in together, I think you are mad.

Cheapthrills Mon 06-Jun-16 18:27:52

If you were single and planning to move abroad with a man you had known 4 weeks I would say you were mad. To take a 3 year old child with you is stark raving bonkers.

I have done a lot of internet dating in recent years and I don't think you know anyone until a year in. You have already experienced him being off with you. And what a weird relationship he has with her, playing it down, making out she is hounding him yet sending her pictures and flirty messages.

Cheapthrills Mon 06-Jun-16 18:33:03

That's a good point about him not even being divorced. You say it doesn't bother you. Have you seen the threads on here about men who claim they are divorcing and the women trust them yet years later they are still dragging their feet about all kinds of nonsense. And what if it turns out to be a messy divorce which takes a long time? Where will you stand then?

It is a big emotional and financial risk for you and your child.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now