Is is realistic to be able to get over partner's affair, when they work with OW

[flaptastic]

Long time lurker here.

A few weeks ago I found out my wife was having an affair with a work colleague (we're both wives btw) and it had been going on for around six weeks.

It was a definite EA (with a physical aspect too) and several weeks after being found out she has realised it was delusional madness and is trying to make our relationship work. We also have an 18 month old son.

There were many lies, she brought the OW into our house overnight when I visited family, she stayed out overnight without telling me ("missed the last train home") and texted her compulsively when I was in the room. So much secrecy, and lies, lies, lies - where she was, who she was contacting, why she was late etc.

Anyway - that is all done and over with and I am attempting to draw a line under it - I do believe the relationship is worth salvaging and I love her very much.

The thing I am really struggling with though is the continued contact between them. They work together - not directly together, but closely enough so that there will be work-related contact. Probably a couple of times per week, unless something big is going on, when it might become much more frequent.

Also, they are continuing their contact in a number of other ways, they booked concerts to go to together (when the affair was still going on) and DW still intends to go, despite my feelings on the matter. They have shared playlists recently and still text most days (although I have been told it is strictly work only). They also co-chair a networking drinks thing every couple of months, which again, DW is still planning to do. And they publicly endorse each other on Twitter - again work related.

This is where I have a massive problem. I believe I can forgive the affair, and in some ways, I believe the wake-up call it has given us can make us stronger. What I can't seem to reconcile is the continued contact. It's like a scab that gets re-opened several times a day and it is making me bitter and resentful. It's like an actual physical pain when I picture them still in contact after what happened.

Is there anything that can be done? How can I get over this - any advice would be much appreciated. I kind of know that in the end, I will have to decide if I can live a happy life knowing that DW and the OW are in contact. At the moment, I'm really not sure about that. Also - there is no chance that DW will get another job, she is really senior and has a clear career path. Absolutely no chance of leaving to go somewhere else.

Maybe I just have to give it time?
Maybe there has to be an ultimatum about non-work contact?
Maybe it will be too much for me to cope with in the end?

Would appreciate some feedback from anyone else who has been in a similar situation - did you make it work, or was it ultimately too hard?

[DoinItFine]

You can't move past an affair that isn't over.

[MegFlyAway]

Absolutely no contact with the OW would be my first rule!

I discovered my OH was having an affair last year. Mostly emotional, had been kissing etc. After a few weeks he got out of 'affair head' and realised he had made a huge mistake.

To this day I still won't even consider giving him another chance as he still works with her. He sees her every single day. He sits opposite her. I can not tolerate that.

The more time passes the more I've moved and realised I deserve better. Someone who respects me. I would never have done that to me, but he could do it to me.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

In my opinion - but not experience - it is not possible to get over the affair while any contact remains. I honestly think you'd be better off rethinking staying together and splitting. It will drive you mad.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

"Also, they are continuing their contact in a number of other ways, they booked concerts to go to together (when the affair was still going on) and DW still intends to go, despite my feelings on the matter. They have shared playlists recently and still text most days (although I have been told it is strictly work only). They also co-chair a networking drinks thing every couple of months, which again, DW is still planning to do. And they publicly endorse each other on Twitter - again work related."

None of this is OK.

There should be no contact of any kind, and an active search by your wife for a different workplace asap.

[clarrrp]

Would you really be happy with things continuing like that? Your wife doesn't respect you at all if this is how she is still behaving.

She still talks to this person, still hangs out, still texts, still has date plans.

She's still cheating, maybe not in the same way she was before, but she's still putting this relationship with this woman over your relationship ad your feelings.

Ultimatum time.

[MatrixReloaded]

The affair is clearly continuing. Does her job actually require her to communicate constantly with colleagues out of work? The shared playlists are likely coded statements to each other.

There is ZERO chance of repairing things while the affair is continuing.

Her insistence on going to this concert tells you everything.

[DrMorbius]

Is your DW the biological Mother?

If this was a man the choruses of LTB would now be at boiling point. You have no respect from her, but possibly no leverage.

[rodneydel]

It comes across very disrespectful. The person who had the affair should be doing everything they can to prove to you they know they've done wrong. My exH had an affair with a colleague, he went to work every day and it ate me up. He thought it was ok. It was not - their affair started at work and it could easily carry on. We are not together anymore.

[FluffyPersian]

What consequences has your wife got?

None.

She says she loves you, but what has she shown? That the OW’s feelings and hers are way more important than yours – She expects you to be OK with texting and sharing ‘quality time’ together outside of work?

You shouldn’t have to get over something that is so fundamentally wrong – I’d issue the ultimatum today – No contact outside work and no texting. If she does, then you leave. However, you should only say this if you actually 100% mean it, otherwise you look weak and it’s even more of a green flag for your partners behaviour to continue.

Personally, I think your Wifes actions have told you all you need to know – She’s not remorseful, she’s not trying to demonstrate she’s sorry and she’s putting her social life and feelings before yours.

I’d leave.

[Piemernator]

She bought this person in to your home, I could never see past that.

[BooAvenue]

Is your DW the biological Mother?

What's that to do with anything ?

OP in short, I think the answer is no. Can you really live your life knowing she's in contact with the OW?

I think it's ultimatum time.

[flaptastic]

Thanks for the replies - you have certainly given me food for thought and it is interesting to see that other people have similar thoughts to the ones I have been having.

I'm not going to rush into a decision at this stage, and we both have counselling lined up, which I hope will clarify things. However there is a dawning realisation that I'm just never going to be ok with the contact so it's down to me how I deal with it.

I was just hoping there might be SOMEONE out there with a success story! Guess not, and it's pretty evident why not.

[clarrrp]

I'm sorry. It's a shitty situation. But I do think that you should consider leaving her. If she's still carrying on with this other woman and throwing it in your face like that then yeah, leave. Because no amount of counselling is going to get her to respect you, and you are worth more than that. x

[JonesTheSteam]

OP, if your DW really thought it was 'delusional madness', she wouldn't still be texting the OW outside of work, arranging social events with her and going to concerts with her.

She would be focusing on you and your relationship, not still blatantly fostering this other one right under your nose.

[ricketytickety]

If they are still texting daily and plan to go to concerts together I would say the affair is not over.

She should cut all contact. That's the only fair and acceptable way forward.

[GeorgeTheThird]

No. She has to cut contact.

[Tacle]

There should be no contact of any kind, and an active search by your wife for a different workplace asap.

This

[fastdaytears]

This affair is still going on. It might have changed a bit, might not have, but it's definitely not over. She needs to leave that workplace and cut all contact or you need to leave her.

[LellyMcKelly]

That affair, in one form or another, is still going on. I'd guess that you might not have the choice of leaving her in a few months. She might well leave you.

[SandyY2K]

If they work together there will always be contact and you have no way of knowing. Your wife needs to get a new job.

[Offred]

I feel your pain. I am in a similar position but it is just a BF that I don't live with.

Their relationship went on for 2 years and has been over for a year. They still work together. He, to be fair, since his feelings for her disappeared, has been much better at managing the boundaries of the relationship but a year on I still have dreams about it, about the awful things he said to me during his obsession in order to allow it to continue, still feel absolutely crap every single day that the only reason it ended is because she treated him badly and not because he had any feelings of respect or love for me.

I feel awful that the only reason it didn't get physical and he didn't get rid of me is that I was second choice but good enough for now and she wasn't interested in having a relationship with him.

I replay all the awful humiliating things that he did at public events and the angry shouting at me about how I 'always ruin everything' and 'embarrass him in front of his friends'.

There is literally nothing that he can say or do now to take away any of that pain. The pain of how he reacted after or the justifying behaviour he had during - insisting they were friends and he wouldn't accept me being controlling, him still socialising with her, still texting her, joking, telling her anecdotes about my children, sitting glued to his phone texting her all evening while we were on a date and complaining that I was being boring, him standing me up constantly because she wanted lifts, him going on a weekend away with her, disappearing for hours outside events he had brought me to when I didn't know anyone so that he could talk to her, him confusing me with her, him telling me I am crazy and jealous and abusive and I make him hurt me, that being abused has made me crazy and controlling and that I am the one with the problem, that me being upset at him makes him angry and that people who can't deal with angry, sneering Treatment from him are 'just weaklings', that when I feel upset I am wrong, that when I say he isn't listening to me I am just feeling inferior and don't want to admit that his view of my opinion is the correct view...

All these things play over and over in my head, still a year later. I TBH have only continued in the relationship because this was my final year of uni and I have been too afraid of the fallout and how it would affect me to break up.

Staying IMO only works if there is not too much water under the bridge and TBH the way he behaved afterwards in trying to prioritise her over our relationship is the main thing that has really hurt me. It's what your wife is doing to you.

[EarthboundMisfit]

You're working on things. She isn't.

[BloodontheTracks]

this affair is not over and you are being treated with no respect here. She needs to put your feelings first and even look into changing jobs. I am sorry you are going through this.

[Penfold007]

Find your self-respect, the affair is still in full flow. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[starskey80]

She is being unbelievably disrespectful.... I honestly can't get my head around their behaviour since being caught.
It's actually disgusting to treat someone you have a child with like this.

Your wife needs to feel the consequences of her actions. You should leave her. Get your self respect back.
Because this will destroy you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Xxx