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Perhaps i got it wrong and now its too late.

(32 Posts)
spaniellady Mon 06-Jun-16 14:31:33

Firstly i am new to this site, and i have never done anything like this before so apologies it it reads like a garbled mess.
My story is like so many others alas, so i will try to keep it brief.
I will have been married 21 years this year to a good, kind, decent, hard working man. Yes, we've had our ups and downs over the years but have managed to struggle through. As time has gone by, i now feel like our marriage is more like a friends relationship. I no longer fancy him and we have not been intimate for nearly 2 years. If i'm honest, i don't think i even want to be intimate with him again. I know that sounds terrible but its the way i feel. I do love him don't get me wrong, but is it the right kind of love? Anyway, a year ago along came the OM. We met locally at a place i was helping at temporarily. Strangely, i never looked on him initially as a romantic interest. He was just somebody i enjoyed talking to. He's 34 and single and i am 52. His marriage ended after 4 years in 2012/13. We found we had a lot in common, likes, interests. We enjoyed each others company. Long story short, we began a year long affair which ended at the end of march. He told me he loved me and wanted me to move in. He asked on several occasions, but something always held me back, a) the devastation it would cause to my husband and b)the 18 year age gap. He was also getting pressure from his family to end it.......understandably, and i knew realistically that they would never accept me although i have met his mum and we did get on. Since the break up we have spoken a couple of times and he told me that he was going to go back to internet dating as he was lonely. He asked me what i thought, so i said he should. What else could i say!.On our second meeting he said he had been chatting to 2 people. I was heartbroken but again, what could i say. I practically pushed him into it.

Anyway, i am now completely devastated as i wonder whether i have made a mistake by not following my heart rather than my head and giving us a chance. I am currently on antidepressants and feel so empty. I just want to get over him.

I feel so guilty for betraying my husband. I know he deserves so much more than i can give. He knows nothing of the affair and would be devastated if he knew of my betrayal.

I don't expect sympathy.I don't deserve it. I know i have done a terrible thing but if you have any advice for this silly lady i would appreciate it.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 06-Jun-16 14:38:19

Yes. My advice is this. Leave your poor husband, he deserves to have a chance of another relationship. Let him know why you are leaving him, so he doesn't think it is his fault.

Spend plenty of time on your own working out what it is you want before setting up home with someone else.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 06-Jun-16 14:38:25

Why are you still in touch with OM if you have broken up? That can't be helping your state of mind. It is also continuing the emotional affair, even if the two of you aren't sleeping together anymore.

You don't say when or why the two of you broke up, either. Which one of you instigated it and why? If you broke up with him because you could see this was going nowhere and you wanted to start being faithful to your husband again, then remind yourself of that resolve.

But mostly, stop having contact with him. It's just a headfuck.

Somerville Mon 06-Jun-16 14:40:01

Listen to DrSeth, who has said what I was going to say, but has managed to keep it polite.

<Sits on hands>

loobyloo1234 Mon 06-Jun-16 14:43:08

Brace yourself for the comments ...

Tell your husband firstly - he has a right to know. Secondly once you have stopped being selfish when you are single, as that's obviously what you want, figure out what you want and try not to hurt people in the process

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 06-Jun-16 14:43:16

Somerville The urge was strong with me, too.... Somehow, I managed to resist!

Somerville Mon 06-Jun-16 14:47:24

Well done! halo

PotatosMum Mon 06-Jun-16 15:03:40

Agree with the others. You need to tell your husband. He has the right to know what you've done and decide for himself if he even wants you to hang around.

You seem to be acting very selfishly which would be fine if you were also acting with integrity and being honest. Instead you appear to want your cake and eat it too and that never works out well for anyone coughs in the cross fire.

GutInstinct Mon 06-Jun-16 15:14:18

Your affair with the OM was built on fantasy not reality. You weren't in a position to be with him, in fact you had no intentions of leaving your husband to be with him. It's only now he's moved on that you're wondering whether you should have followed your heart.

Deep down you know that you don't want to be with him or you would be with him now.

The only way to get over him is to go no contact. No chats, no calls, no texts, nothing. Delete him and his number from your phone and your life and then work out what it is you want.

And it's ok to end your marriage if you don't want to be with your husband any more. Even if he's a good man, nobody should have to stay in a relationship which makes them unhappy. But whether you stay or go, first find a way to work on the issues which brought you to the point of having an affair in the first place, or you'll just repeat the pattern over and over.

fudgesmummy Mon 06-Jun-16 15:18:25

You certainly won't get any sympathy from me. Have you any idea how it feels to be cheated on? Let me tell you. It distroys you. For ever.

spaniellady Mon 06-Jun-16 15:21:22

Thank you for your comments. Yes, Dr Seth, my husband does deserve better. Couldn't agree more.
RCT We broke up at the end of march. He was the main instigator due to pressure from his mother and siblings, and also because i couldn't commit to moving in with him because if truth be told i knew i couldn't do it to my husband. I have had no contact with him for a month and yes, it is a headfuck. You are also correct Looby, i have been very selfish.
I do need to sort myself out i realise that. Seeing it written down and hearing from people who dont know me does help me gain perspective. Thank you.

spaniellady Mon 06-Jun-16 15:31:07

Agree Gutinstinct it was built on fantasy. Time to pull the big girl pants on and grow up.

GutInstinct Mon 06-Jun-16 15:32:58

So OP what is it you want? The OM is no longer in the equation, so wanting to be with him is no longer an option.

While not wanting to hurt your husband is the right thing on principle, you had an affair knowing full well that it would hurt your husband if he found out, so how did you get to the point of having an affair in the first place? Just because the affair is over doesn't mean your marriage is the only possible option available to you now. You can still end it, be on your own and work out where you want to go in life. But whatever you do, you absolutely do need to work out why you got to the point of wanting to cheat in the first place, or you run the risk of repeating the behaviour either within your current marriage or in future relationships.

I'm four years on from having had an affair. I can hand on heart say that I would never do it again, that it was one of the most regrettable things I have ever done, and that if I could turn back time I wouldn't have chosen to bring my marriage to an end in that way. But while my husband didn't deserve to be hurt by my affair, he was emotionally abusive to me in ways which even now are still revealing themselves to me, so the end of the marriage was the right conclusion even though it didn't come about in the right way.

Affairs are usually a symptom rather than a cause of issues within a relationship. So you need to address the cause and work on those if you genuinely love your husband and want things to work between you, or end the marriage and move forward with your life, and allow your husband to do the same with his.

SloppyDailyMailJournalism Mon 06-Jun-16 15:39:29

What outcome were you expecting then when you embarked on this? Apart from the betrayal, that's one hell of an bleurgh age gap

spaniellady Mon 06-Jun-16 15:56:33

GutInstinct the problem is i dont think i do know what i want anymore. What a mess i have got myself into. Before OM came along, i thought i was reasonably happy and stable in my marriage. We rarely argue. We have a good life. The OM made me feel desired, loved, wanted, alive. The usual cliches i suppose. I realise i need to take a long hard look at myself and my marriage.

Oddsocksgalore Mon 06-Jun-16 16:07:25

He broke up with you because he's 34 and you are 52.

He told he had to do it because that was kinder.

Your poor husband.

Twenty odd years married to a kind, decent, hardworking man and this is how you have treated him because you didn't want to be intimate with someone too.

Oddsocksgalore Mon 06-Jun-16 16:08:13

Just yourself op.

GutInstinct Mon 06-Jun-16 16:08:57

But you can't do this alone. What do you think your DH would say about your marriage? You've been cheating on him for the past year, do you honestly think he doesn't know something's changed? And if not, why not?

spaniellady Mon 06-Jun-16 16:18:05

GutInstinct I don't know what he would say about our marriage. We need to sit down and have a heartfelt talk i think.

spaniellady Mon 06-Jun-16 16:22:44

Oddsocks - perhaps you are correct. I don't look my age, but 52 is 52 regardless.

DrMorbius Mon 06-Jun-16 16:37:26

We need to sit down and have a heartfelt talk

I would LOL if that wasn't so fucking pathetic. Heartfelt talk..... How will that work?

Do you want a cup of tea dear, oh by the way I have had a 34 year old guy sticking his cock in me for the last year. Slice of cake?

Oddsocksgalore Mon 06-Jun-16 16:45:24

I don't look my age either.

So what.

52 is no age really but it mattered here I think.

Let your husband go and find happiness.

spaniellady Mon 06-Jun-16 18:01:37

Yes, the age did matter here. Thank you all for your comments.

Jan45 Mon 06-Jun-16 18:08:01

You are not real, you feel awful for your husband, not that awful though that it stopped you shagging a younger guy for a year, paleeeeze.

What you should have done and should do tonight is tell your husband you want to separate and stop living a joke of a relationship because no doubt some other young beau will come along again and no doubt you will not be able to resist, your marriage is a sham anyway.

dontknowwhatcomesnext Mon 06-Jun-16 19:18:37

You know what, I'm not going to pile on too much, in part because I still think you are still too much in the narcissistic/entitled loop of an adulterer to take some of the more harsh comments on board in a meaningful way. I don't think that will actually end unless/until your husband finds out and kicks you out. Then you will most likely realise, just like any bored, slightly unfulfilled 50-something guy who's been having an affair with his young co-worker, that you have been living in a selfish fantasy. And, maybe, it will then sink in, not in an abstract way, that you are doing something DEVASTATING to your husband, whom you have loved for 20 years. And then your children (if you have any) will find out, and you will have to deal with their judgement. And then your parents and friends, who will be aghast. And maybe then you will hardly recognise the person who was sleeping with some younger guy, in a relationship that had no real future (except in your delusions) FOR A YEAR.

That is all the most likely scenario. In the less likely, but possible scenario, that your marriage was over, and this was an exit affair, it's still awfully wrong, but less wrong if you come clean with your husband and tell him that you no longer want to be married. And don't you dare end your marriage without telling him, and leave him to wonder what happened. You were both responsible for the state of your marriage up to the point of your affair, but you are 100% responsible for lobbing an atomic bomb into it.

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