I told DH 2 weeks ago i wanted a divorce. 20 year relationship, 15 years married, 3 kids under 10.
Our relationship has dwindled for a long time. We have tried to revive it a few times, which results in changes for a little while and then a reversion to the former state. I feel like we are flogging a dead horse and i cant (and dont want to) take it anymore. Fundamentally i don't love him anymore and have been "faking it until you make it" for a couple of years hoping it will come back. It hasnt and i dont think it will. I have started to imagine my life without him and frankly it makes my heart sing.
He has begged me to do a course of marriage counseling with him as he thinks we can save the relationship. I have reluctantly agreed because 1. i feel like i need to tick all the boxes before i can walk away.
- I kind of hope the counselor will help him see the impossibility of the situation so we can move through the process of divorce as amicably as possible.
The counseling is going to start next week. In the mean time we are both living in the house with the kids. He tells me that he loves me and is openly affectionate and makes sexual overtures towards me often. to the point that sometime i feel positively hunted in the house. We dont have a spare bedroom that one of us could go into so we are sharing the same room. I find i cant get out of the shower without finding him in the bedroom waiting for me in the hope we might have sex. He has tried waking me up early in the morning before the kids wake in the hope of intimacy. i cant sit on the sofa without finding him sitting next to me with his hand on my thigh.
I understand why he is doing it. He is hoping to rekindle something in me but i really do feel done. I have been disengaging and refusing his advances which is upsetting him. Sometimes, i just pretend to be asleep or oblivious cause i cant deal with an emotional confrontation at that time. He is not stopping.
I feel like engaging in romantic and sexual affection is just giving him the wrong message (i dont love you, i want a divorce but lets have sex?) and frankly it messes with my head. I am a people pleaser by nature and am really struggling to keep my wishes a priority.
I feel like i need to maintain this boundry for both our sanity but i find i am getting quite resentful of his behavior.
I would love to know how other, if they have experienced a similar situation, got through this. I don't want to continue to fake it as it comes at a cost to me that i don't want to pay anymore.