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Parting when still in love

(22 Posts)
19701j Mon 06-Jun-16 12:34:15

My partner and myself have been together for 20 months we don't cohabit but stay over at each other's on a regular basis . Most of the time we get on brilliantly and all is good but occasionally (and getting more frequent) we are falling out over trivial things that soon become a big issue with us both questioning the relationship and what is going wrong .
We have spoken about it many times and we both agree it seems like we have a passionate relationship which can be like a roller coaster ride, we are getting to the stage now where it all seems to be getting us down and becoming hard work , I feel we have clashing personalities.
Does anyone have any experience of this type of relationship and is it just a matter of walking away when still in love with each other ?

TheNaze73 Mon 06-Jun-16 13:23:05

Although you need to work at a relationship, it should never be difficult.

I've walked in the past because it it but, life shouldn't be difficult

19701j Mon 06-Jun-16 13:27:31

I agree and I am so close to calling it a day but knowing how hard it would be to just walk away , it would be easier if they had done something bad ..

Somerville Mon 06-Jun-16 13:35:29

Everything worth having is difficult sometimes. Even the best relationships. But there's a limited effort I'd put into the kind of relationship you describe, especially as it's at an early stage. It sounds exhausting.

Whether you break up or not, use contraception and don't move in together until you've learned to communicate much better.

19701j Mon 06-Jun-16 13:50:50

We are at an age where our individual children have grown up and he has had a vasectomy , I think we do commutate, sometimes to much and end up over analysing everything that is said or done.

Somerville Mon 06-Jun-16 13:59:12

It's possible to talk to each other a lot without communicating well. in fact a lot of people do that. Sometimes it means that one or both of them speaks a lot and doesn't listen much. I'd read up about active listening, if I were you.
And on the trivial things that blow up... is it that there are deeper insecurities or issues, and these are exposed by the trivial things that happen?
Or is it that you genuinely do work each other up into a frenzy over small things, and there are no deeper issues?

HeddaGarbled Mon 06-Jun-16 14:00:10

You can stop a disagreement about a trivial thing becoming a big issue by changing your response. That old saying about 'just because you have been invited to an argument doesn't mean you have to accept' is true. Maybe do some reading about transactional analysis or communication styles?

19701j Mon 06-Jun-16 14:07:12

I think you are correct one of us is more of a talker than the other, the blow ups start not exclusively but mostly when we have been out for a meal or out with friends and I suppose when alcohol loosens our inhibitions. The disagreements are not about leaving shoes lying about or the family but insecurities from the past , for example the mention of a visit by myself to a location with my very exp seems to eat away at my current partner until it comes out as a nasty comment about me wanting to be back with them ...all very insecure.

Somerville Mon 06-Jun-16 14:20:47

You're right to consider walking away then. I definitely would if my boyfriend was insecure about my past, or jealous about what I did with my time now. And nasty comments are a complete no-no.

99redballoons67 Mon 06-Jun-16 14:22:50

At this stage there can be an element of still being "in lust" and it masks the underlying issues. I went out with a bloke for 2.5 years (in our 40's, older kids etc...). Basically on a night out we were great. In bed we were great but on a day to day basis we weren't so great and the little niggles turned into bigger arguments and in the end I had to call it a day despite still finding him very attractive.

It was the right thing to do.

99redballoons67 Mon 06-Jun-16 14:24:16

Mine had insecurity issues too and it is not very attractive at all! That was what ultimately caused the final nail in our relationship coffin.

19701j Mon 06-Jun-16 14:33:28

Redballons that does sound like us we are very much in lust and the bedroom is great even after 20 months it's not slowed down , we are the other way round fine on the day to day things but often fall out at the end of a night out together .

99redballoons67 Mon 06-Jun-16 15:18:44

if he cuts out drink would he be less insecure and irrational then do you think?

19701j Mon 06-Jun-16 17:36:16

No the drinking isn't a problem , we both have a good social life ..

19701j Mon 06-Jun-16 21:31:24

We have decided not to see each other this week and have some thinking time , hopefully things may be clearer one way or the other ..

Slowdecrease Tue 07-Jun-16 13:05:28

I had this with my ex. Great attraction , fine day to day, always a fall out when we had been out with other people to the point we were pushing plans with other people away and isolating ourselves in a bid to keep things on an even keel. It was doomed I'm afraid.

19701j Tue 07-Jun-16 17:24:48

Slow

That is exactly us , if we are out in a social group for whatever reason we normally end the night with an argument , this will be on the way home or at one of our houses . It almost never happens when we are out alone , why do you think that happened with you and your now ex ?

19701j Tue 07-Jun-16 22:33:48

Well just an update , we have decided even though it's going to be difficult (same friends , same village) we are going to call it a day and move on before we destroy each other . Thanks for the advise .

Slowdecrease Wed 08-Jun-16 15:22:22

If I'm being absolutely honest I think once we outside of our own little bubble as it were we both had an underlying problem 'sharing' (for want of a better word) each other with other people. Like an undercurrent of jealousy (not sexual jealousy) and possessiveness. I don't have this experience with my partner now, so I guess I can look back objectively and see it how it was, not how it felt at the time. I don't know if it denotes a lack of maturity in both of us (despite being in our 40's) or an underlying belief that we didn't really truly have each other's backs. Does that make sense to you?

user1465320614 Wed 08-Jun-16 16:16:42

I have been with my partner 3 years, we do not live together and I am often away with work. We both have children and usually get together every other weekend plus the odd snatched nights and holidays. We work well and have similar interests and energies. Every so often she goes distant on me usually in a 3 month cycle, culminating in a break up at the end of last year which I fought hard for us to stay together. I can't decide if these are depressive states or just me or her frustration with our situation, kids/time/ etc. She also point blankly says we should not live together. I love her deeply but this time I have decided I am not going to fight for us going through this current hic up I cannot see her in my future unless she changes her stance. At first I thought she was protecting her wealth but due to her marriage failing after 20 years for a younger woman that she was cautious, I think now she likes the idea of a relationship but wants none of the effort or looking forward to a future together, or perhaps I am the wrong one for her, either way in my fifties I am not playing these kinds of games. I think you can love and break up sometimes it’s just the right thing to do.

19701j Thu 09-Jun-16 10:20:40

Slow your story could be ours it's almost exactly like that , we have decided to have a break for a few weeks and see how we feel about each other after that ...

Slowdecrease Thu 09-Jun-16 10:58:40

We had many breaks - they didn't strengthen our relationship I'm sorry to say , the dynamic was just wrong and couldn't be made right. If you're relationship cant function in the outside world as it were how can you make a full life together? X

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