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My husband loves another woman, what do I do next?

(103 Posts)
dancingK Sun 05-Jun-16 22:23:34

For the past 32 years I now realise I have been far too tolerant. I have an exceptionally talented husband who myself and our three children (23, 18, 16) adore and love.

I work full time and I thought we had a strong relationship, where I understood his needs as a 'free spirit', and gave him plenty of 'shed' time.
He has always flirted, and we have laughed at some of the ridiculous situations he has got himself into.

About 10 years ago I had all sorts of difficulties with work, elderly parents and just keeping everything together. I probably did suffer with mild depression and just concentrated on everyday stuff - our relationship was definitely not a particularly close one. We just got on with making sure the family was succeeding, which they have.

With hindsight, this is where the cracks really started showing, I did try to suggest 'us time' and organised interesting things to do, but we weren't really communicating any more. It was distressing how much he didn't seem to want to cherish me or our marriage.

Should I have been surprised that he started an emotional affair? Not really, but I was utterly horrified. We weathered through that, she left the scene, but then someone else has come along. This particular friend, is a neighbour who has subsequently left her husband and is very independent and very available. She has fallen in love with my husband.
Then the lying started. He cannot deal with my emotional outbursts, so prefers to pretend he is doing something else. He feels that because we have been so distant for such a long time he hasn't the same obligation any more.

Well that is where he is now. He is a self employed artist, and so never stops creating, but he will be with her now, as I write. Then he will come home and pretend he has been at work.

When ever I have found out they are together; Spain for a conference, regular evening classes together, Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Beer Festivals, lunch-time meet ups... and so on - she thinks I know, so therefore it must be OK! He appears to have given the impression that we have some kind of 'open marriage'.

He says he isn't leaving because of our youngest who is still doing exams needs us to be a strong unit at home.

I am just being ignored, in the sense that I can be very upset, explain how I feel, he consoles me, and then just carries on...

What am I supposed to do?

I want my home and family and a loving husband, who doesn't crave being with the woman he loves.

Any advice?

Ladies, please help.

DancingK

AnyFucker Sun 05-Jun-16 22:26:53

Well, you do have an open marriage at least a one sided one

Because you are fully aware he his having a current affair and has had several "encounters" before

he doesn't even bother to hide it, so it all seems pretty out in the open to me

is there any other spin you were looking for ?

LucySnow12 Sun 05-Jun-16 22:31:22

Sorry but he is so disrespectful to you. Just cake eating. Don't let him abuse you. Tell him to go.

allthemoomins Sun 05-Jun-16 22:31:44

I'd have his bags back when he comes back, then he can go and be with her all he wants hmm I wonder if it's just the attraction of 'the forbidden' for him.

Seriously though OP, you're worth more than this, you don't have to settle for him.

ChicRock Sun 05-Jun-16 22:32:58

Well you do have an open marriage. He's with the OW now... you know it and they know you know it. You've given him the impression that you're in an open marriage.

Whenever anyone describes their husband as a 'free spirit' I always understand that to mean he'll fuck anything with a hole and a heartbeat.

Just1945 Sun 05-Jun-16 22:33:20

Wait until this exam period is over for your youngest then throw him out. I suppose it is very easy to "date" another woman's husband when he is only there temporary for nice days out, but I should think her attitude would change sharpish if he turned up on her step with his bags!

Muddlingthroughtoo Sun 05-Jun-16 22:33:34

You have to get rid of him, he is taking the p*$$ out of you. Grow a pair, your children will respect you more for it. Is this a good example to set the kids? His "free spirit" absolute rubbish is giving him the excuse he needs for his affairs. Oh and excuse you for being emotional about it! Stop being a door mat. Children survive marriage break ups. You won't scar them for life.

AnyFucker Sun 05-Jun-16 22:33:50

oh, but he is "exceptionally talented"

that makes his philandering ok

apparently

PatriciaHolm Sun 05-Jun-16 22:34:51

bluntly - you can't have what you want. He's checked out of the marriage, if indeed this "free spirit" was ever really in it.

We can't give you advice on how to get him back.

BloodontheTracks Sun 05-Jun-16 22:36:46

You don't have 'emotional outbursts' love you react completely normally to his unreasonableness and cruelty.

You know you've been putting up with far too much for far too long.

I would suggest, since you are clearly deeply unhappy and he is deeply in denial, that you write him a letter saying what you want to happen and why, being as calm and forthright as you can be. This could involve him moving out and you both starting again, or him telling this other woman it is over in front of you and recommitting to your relationship, or whatever. What you can't do is carry on like this.

HoursOfFun Sun 05-Jun-16 22:38:29

He's utterly selfish and trying to get away with as much as he possibly can. He does not seem to care at all about how hurtful he is. Your long investment in your joint family life is being treated with contempt. I would walk away. I know that's a lot easier said than done after so many years. But you only have one life. Why waste it any more on this bastard? You can't change him - so change your reactions and take control of your life. Leave him.

srslylikeomg Sun 05-Jun-16 22:39:06

He sounds like an arse. If he doesn't cherish you and he doesn't make you happy either A. Leave. B. Take a lover yourself or C. Put up with it and enjoy the parts of your marriage that do work (parenting?)

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 05-Jun-16 22:39:48

You pick your self esteem up off the floor and you kick his arse out, is what you do.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 05-Jun-16 22:43:13

And 'being creative' isn't synonymous with 'being an unfaithful prick'. I'm creative and devoted to my DH. Why are you giving him a free pass? There really isn't anything about the creative mind that means fidelity is impossible. He's done a right number on you.

Iknownuffink Sun 05-Jun-16 22:44:33

Turf him out whist the youngest is still at home.

The other woman may want a playmate not a real life, man child, to look after.

You deserve so much more than to be cast aside.

MilesHuntsWig Sun 05-Jun-16 22:44:59

What Just1945 said. You deserve better.

oncemoreuntothebreachoncemore Sun 05-Jun-16 22:45:07

I get that you love him and want to keep him at seemingly any cost, but the harsh reality is you lost him a long time ago when he checked out of his relationship with you and starting looking elsewhere.

The very best thing you can do for yourself right now is to kick him out. I can guarantee the current lady on the scene will lose her shine when the cost is losing his wife, family, and comforts of home. At the moment he has a nice little set up where his family 'love and adore him' and his OW provides a little adult entertainment as and when. Pull the rug from under him. I bet he'll come home with his tail between his legs. I'd hazard a guess that after tasting freedom from the misery you'll not want him back though.

Look after yourself. Confide in friends and family, you need their support.

NewLife4Me Sun 05-Jun-16 22:46:21

Right OP I'm going to be very blunt.

You are allowing him to do this and he has done his work well on you over the years.
Very talented or not, he's an arse. You don't have to do what he is doing, he is normalising his affair. I bet this free spirit shit comes from him, I know because I have seen it in colleagues of dh, who are also free spirited musicians. It's a con and you've been had.

Iknownuffink Sun 05-Jun-16 22:46:50

What you do is go through all his papers and find out what is in your name.

Your start spiriting money and possibly property away from him.

Coconutty Sun 05-Jun-16 22:47:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewLife4Me Sun 05-Jun-16 22:47:53

So sorry you are going through this, I feel really sorry for you and you are worth far far more than he can possibly offer you.

EarthboundMisfit Sun 05-Jun-16 22:48:50

I don't get what his being 'exceptionally talented' has to do with anything?Y

Canyouforgiveher Sun 05-Jun-16 22:53:17

you can't have your husband back. that bird has flown.

What you need to do now is decide what is best for you - only you.

you can tolerate this situation, watching him head off to have sex and good times with another woman.

or you can say thanks but no thanks, leave now, and start the process of getting over him and getting on with your life.

If he mentions the 16 year old and her exams, say well fine then you can stop your affair until the exams are over. it is that or leave.

My suspicion is that he likes his current set up and doesn't really want to move in with the other woman so is happy enough to continue on. I wouldnt put up with that for a second. you pay your money, you make your choice.

LucySnow12 Sun 05-Jun-16 22:56:05

Go see a solicitor and then tell him. He is a liar and a cheat. He won't go cause he wants to be adored by you all. I don't know how you can stand it.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Jun-16 22:59:09

I think he'll leave you once the youngest has left home, so I would personally beat him to it and file now.

He doesn't hide it, he doesn't love you, so what exactly are you gaining from this marriage?

I'd be getting my finances in order and making it clear that my life doesn't revolve around him and really up my social life. I don't like being taken for a fool and treated like a doormat. You should feel the same as well.

Why would you continue to put up with this disrespect. A good way to end an affair is to expose it for what it is to those who have an influence over him.

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