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Seperated, Husband got new Partner - help(21 Posts)
We have known that we would be separating for about 18 months. Driven by me. I finally got a house a month ago, the children (4,8 and 10) were told and I moved out 3 weeks ago.
Yesterday he informed me he had met someone else and was at pains to point out that it was serious.
I can date exactly when in started to the day, just over a month ago.
He wants to introduce her to our children in the next couple of weeks.
I can not believe that he thinks this is appropriate.
I feel so sad and angry and just horrible.
We have been completely amicable up until this point but it is as if his whole personality has changed.
I don't know what to do. I am worried he is going to do something mad like move her in. I'm worried about finances, we have some joint savings that i cannot access. I keep asking him to sort it but he stalls.
We were going to sort divorce stuff ourselves in our own time, to make sure the joint savings didn't end up in a solicitors pocket. Right now though I think I should go and see one so that I am protected (maybe)?
Emotionally this has knocked me for six. I could cope if he was being ok with me but he isn't. I'm on the edge of tears the whole time and feel like I have been replaced completely within a month.
How am i going to get through this without either turning into bitch psycho from hell or crumpling into a weeping puddle?
I hope this makes sense, I'm working on very little sleep!
Why did you move out, instead of having him be the one to go?
Where do the dc live?
He refused to go. Not even temporarily to give me some space.
Children are 50/50.
I'm not worried about the house. I have used an inheritance to buy a house outright. He gets to keep the old house. He claims I will have to give him some of the value of this when I sell but at the moment thats not a worry
I've learnt the hard way that if he is going to introduce a new partner that you have no control over this other than preparing the children.
Get a solicitor tomorrow morning. Ask around for a good one - who will get you a good deal - in your area. You have given him eighteen months to get his own ducks in a row, find someone new etc and he has protected his own interests (wouldn't move out) so you need to understand that he is not on your side. Now get some help from someone who will be fighting for you.
You have not been replaced, he is in a rebound relationship and now his ego has been puffed up a bit he's trying to throw his weight around.
The best thing to do is deep breaths, stay calm and on track, ignore his crappy new relationship and just focus on splitting things fairly.
I would definitely speak to a solicitor anyway to get some advice on the joint savings and ensure you are getting a fair deal re the old house and the new one.
Let him know you're happy to sort things out between yourselves if it's done fairly but if needs be - eg he keeps stalling about your joint savings - you will involve a solicitor to ensure this.
Maybe the partner has finally made you realise the marriage is over and you are now in the mourning phase.Its natural, even if you wanted it to end the reality when it hits can be different.
His distance could be to emotional separating and Ime men find it easier to move on.
What are your fears? I think it's too early to introduce partners however you can't enforce a rule, maybe negotiate with him a timeframe for new partners.
Children can cope without the divorce but find animosity damaging.
It is natural to cry and feel sad, do you have friends you can open up to? Lean on friends or get a counselling if you are overwhelmed.
Your ex is an ex, a free agent so he's entitled to find someone else and as the marriage was failing for 18months he may have emotionally moved on sooner - however it will be the same for you.
That's a lot to process all in 3 weeks. All I can think of is your dc
They are dealing with - mum and dad aren't together any more / we now live in two houses / we now live in a new house shortly followed by - Daddy has a new gf.
I'd say it's reasonable to ask him not to introduce his gf yet. He has 50% of the week to see her. You can ask but it's up to him...
Re finances, get the ball rolling with a solicitor, those savings may be dwindling fast...
I have no idea why you are so upset.
You haven't been replaced in a month, yo called time 18 months ago!
You moved out three weeks ago, what he does now in his own home is his business.
You need have a talk with yourself, really!
I think it's time to start cultivating 'civil detachment with amicable face' with STBXH.
And start looking after You.
Is there a good friend who can come over when the kids are asleep later?
Thank you for your replies.
That's the problem Oddsocks, I have no idea why I'm upset either!
He is free to do what he wants but upsetting the children again so soon just seems unnecessary.
I will get to a solicitor asap
Good luck with the solicitor. It's the safest way. Your ex doesn't sound terribly trustworthy.
You've no control over his relationship, so try not to worry about that. It would be courteous for him to talk to you first about introducing the children to her, but he's not obliged to do so.
Why have you let him keep the house? Aren't you entiltled to a share?
Is he saying he's entitled to a share in the house you've just bought? You do know that as it was bought during the marriage he could have a stake , unless you've filed for divorce. When will you file for D?
I think as he's stalling with the savings you need to get a solicitor.
Do you know how much is in the joint savings account? I was thinking he could withdraw some funds from it.
I think a solicitor is a good idea. His stalling over the savings is concerning.
If it helps you can often see a solicitor for a one off free session. That can give you some idea of where you stand and what the possible problems could be.
It is natural for you to feel upset. You had a long relationship together, yes it's over, but it is still a shock when a new person is in the dynamic. I hope she is nice - my ExH took up with a right bitch who caused problems between us (and the kids) that never should have been there. Years later we are all ok. You will get through this and the HUGE bonus is that you are no longer with him . One day at a time when things are a bit rocky, it will pass and you are in a big period of adjustment what with the house move and all Here's to your future.
You need to see a solicitor and you need see one now, is there a reason why you think your new house won't be viewed as a marital asset? Eighteen months is a long time to seperate and not have any plans, other than moving out. Amicable gets you so far and up until now, it appears to have lulled you into a false sense of security. You don't have to divorce straight away but you do need to find out what the financial implications of a divorce are.
I understand the hurt and even though it's probably a rebound relationship or a simple fuck you statement, it was always a possibility when you initiated a separation. Now that you're getting your physical distance, it's time to start on the emotional one.
All you can do is hope that he lets go of his anger/ loved-up-ness long enough to realise that this is too soon for introductions. Congratulate him on his new relationship and wish him well (fake it until you can make it) to give him the impression that you're not threatened or upset by his new happiness and hopefully he will see that his new relationship can't be used as a weapon against you.
Encourage him to make the most of his child free time with his new gf and let her enjoy this time with him, without the realities of the demands of small children. The object here is to buy your children some time before they're introduced to someone new but ultimately, you can't stop him from introducing his new gf.
You need to get very real.
You say it's been completely amicable.
But you also say he's been stalling on access to joint savings.
That is not completely amicable
Park your feelings about him meeting someone else. That's normal, you don't want him, but change is hard, and the idea of someone else with your children - well, you have my sympathy. But you need to get practical and focus on the divorce.
Personally as the kids have only just been told I probably wouldn't appeal to sense and tell him not to introduce yet - because he won't want to be told what to do! What I might say - and yeah, it's manipulative - is "it's great it's serious and she accepts you have kids. I'm a bit worried that with the speed the kids, at least the 10yo, are going to think it was an affair - and I don't want them to have trouble accepting her because of it. Do you think it would help to delay introductions a month?
FWIW though, it all depends on your kids' personalities. My 5yo met my knew boyfriend about 3 months after I moved out and she was told - didn't care. Even on the day of the split she was told we weren't in love and said "ooooh, you should both find your true loves then!" It might be OK.
Going back to the divorce though... do not do this without a solicitor. When there are children and assets and multiple houses and inheritances involved, you MUST have at least a walk through with an expert.
Bet you wouldn't try to prepare your car yourself for an MOT!
And when you bought your marital home and new house - did you get a bonk and do all the conveyancing yourself?
Even if amicable, it is foolish to do something yourself that you are unskilled in.
If nothing else, this is my experience of a solicitor - I have a law degree so I'm confident doing it myself. I made the financial proposal and he accepted - there wasn't a single point of negotiation. But when he was useless providing paperwork (because he's a lazy arsehole rather than deliberately awkward) it REALLY helped to be able to "hide behind" the solicitor. She needs this, she needs that... It stopped it being "me" chasing.
Your upset because you weren't expecting it. You said that you decided to end the relationship. Well, it's ended. He's moved on. You should too.
You no longer get a say in his personal life. It's none of your business unless it's negatively impacting your kids, but your kids are old enough to understand, and whether it's this month or next year it's going to happen.
You need to get your finances sorted - after 18 months there is really no excuse.
Honestly, it sounds very much like you were hanging on and now your upset because he's moved on.
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