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Domestic abuse charges- is this fair?

(19 Posts)
Lipgloss74 Sun 05-Jun-16 11:11:33

I have been in a very difficult relationship with a 'functioning' alcoholic for just over a year.
I realised that it was turning verbally abudive and that my mental health was suffering and sought help from my go, a book called 'why does he do that?' And my renal physiologist. Anyway to cut a long story short I blocked him from my phone and started to move on. He wouldn't let go and let himself into my house drunk and fell asleep on the sofa. I was scared to wake him so got my adult sons to do it and throw him out. This seemed to be a turning point and he claimed that he was cutting down the drinking and didn't want to lose us. I saw him a couple of times for cycles/dog walks but nothing more. Anyway Friday night we went a family dog walk with him, during the walk he admitted he had drunk 2 bottles of wine before he met us and he had about 8 pints when we were out. I told him I wasn't going home with him and he should go home. We live very close to each other and he ended up back at mine where he was annoyed as my younger son (17) was asleep on the sofa and not in bed. After trying unsuccessfully to wake my son up this guy stood up, pushed me aside starting calling my son horrible names and went to hit him. I pushed the guy back down but my eldest jumped up and punched him in the face twice breaking his nose. It all got quickly out of hand and I called the police. My son has been charged with serious assault but my ex has been help all weekend and charged with domestic abuse! Is this fair/right?
I had to go to my gp as I was so be pressed- my name to him was Chunkers or chunky, he told me no one would ever go out with a single parent with my health conditions, he looked into my face one night and told me I was so ugly but he loves me and that I was crap in bed. When I ended it he tried to give me three love bites on my back so no other man would go to bed with a slut.
He has also been manipulative and give me money and pay for everything when things were bad then saying I would never do you bad turn. He stood me up for my brothers wedding and told me that all his ex's were much prettier and slimmer than me.
I'm so confused if this was domestic abuse and if he deserves the charges against him.

cheesecadet Sun 05-Jun-16 11:15:29

Of course it's abuse and he absolutely deserves the charges. What a knob. Get him out of your life!

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 05-Jun-16 11:15:54

Of course it was DV. He's verbally and emotionally abusive to you and attempted to assault your child because he dared sleep on the sofa in his own home.

Forget about your ex and save your concern for your child who now has a criminal record for defending his brother from this man.

FinnFamilyMoomintroll Sun 05-Jun-16 11:17:15

It definitely sounds like he is emotionally abusive, yes. I'm so sorry. flowers

Domestic abuse isn't an offence though, do you know what he has actually been charged with? Assault?

Lipgloss74 Sun 05-Jun-16 11:19:22

We live in Scotland and the police officer said that he was being held on domestic abuse charges until Monday. As he was so drunk I very much doubt that he actually remembers what happened.
I'm gutted that my son who is 25 has been charged with assault and he feels absolutely awful that he did this to someone but he snapped and had had enough.

Kittencatkins123 Sun 05-Jun-16 11:22:32

Hey Lipgloss
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I couldn't quite work out from your thread - are you saying that your son was charged with assault and your ex (who to me is just an alcoholic and really not functioning st all) was also charged with domestic abuse?

He was being physically and emotionally abusive to you and your son so yes, he deserves to be charged with abuse.

He has been physically and emotionally abusive before.

Please don't feel guilty and don't allow him to play the victim or say hateful/hurtful things to try to manipulate you/make you feel low/insecure/scare you into taking him back.

You don't have to put up with this, you and your sons deserve so much more.

Contact women's aid - they will be able to give you support and help you through this.

Kittencatkins123 Sun 05-Jun-16 11:24:55

Can you speak to the police and give a statement about the VERY mitigating circumstances that led to him hitting your ex to defend you and his brother?

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 05-Jun-16 11:27:02

I think you need to see this as the line in the sand. Things got way out of control and it's dangerous to have him around your family.

All those things he said to you were designed to make you feel shit, make you feel grateful that he wants to be with you. It's typical abuser behaviour.

No one deserves to be constantly broken down by someone who professes to love them. Its hard, but please find the strength to cut him out of your life. Being on your own cant be more miserable than being with a nasty, abusive drunk. flowers

Gide Sun 05-Jun-16 11:27:51

Police may de-arrest/drop charges on your son if it's explained that it was a defensive move, not a pre-meditated assault.

Lipgloss74 Sun 05-Jun-16 11:35:00

Yes- my son was charged with serious assault and spent the night in the police station as he told the police he hit him the minute they turned up and why he hit him. My phycologist knows about the abuse and the police took his name to speak to him.

OurBlanche Sun 05-Jun-16 12:37:25

You need to make a clear statement to the police, if yu have not already done so.

Your ex was verbally assaulting and threatening you and one son, your other son was acting in your defence and yet, in your OP you ask if charges of DV were fair... your thoughts appear to be for the alcoholic pillock you took home, knowing he was pissed.

Re-read your posts here as if someone else had written them - replace your own name with OurBlanche if it helps. Based only on the words you read what would you think about me? what would you tell me to do? how would you hope I would respond to this?

Please use this as your final wake up call. Your son is in legal bother for trying to protect you and his brother and you are still worrying over your relationship with an abusive drunk!

Kittencatkins123 Sun 05-Jun-16 13:03:31

It sounds like the police are already aware of what was really happening so I'm sure the charges will be dropped against your son - but I would definitely give a full statement and detail all past abusive behaviour.

He was being abusive and has been abusive physically and emotionally previously.

He deserves the charge and you and your sons deserve to get him out of your life. Please get support from women's aid and take this opportunity to be well rid and move on to a happy life with your sons.

DoreenLethal Sun 05-Jun-16 13:14:00

You do seem more concerned about him than your son.

MHnurse16 Sun 05-Jun-16 13:17:51

Absolutely counts as domestic abuse, and your son should feel no guilt, however this a clear indication that you have done a bloody brilliant job as a Mum, because he is showing remorse even when he isn't in the wrong. Well done you!

There is a new law in place implementing criminal charges for emotional abuse. You have been emotionally abused, and the love bites were a way of trying to control your behaviour - also extremely abusive. You wouldn't allow someone else to treat you like this, so don't allow this low life 'man'. Focus on your sons and your close family and friends. There is ALWAYS a man around the corner, and believe me I've been scared to leave someone before for fear of being alone - 'what if he was right about me being ugly?'

You are not ugly, and fuck it if the other exes were slimmer. He's clearly got some serious control issues and wants to mess your confidence up so badly that you feel you can't be loved by anyone else. But you will find someone else who will cherish you.

Really hoping to hear you've made the right decision ❤️ But I understand it must be so hard for you. Chin up x

Hissy Sun 05-Jun-16 13:26:25

You still allow this guy to spend time with you? You let him come into your home! You invite him back?

Wtaf are you doing all this for? Your son acted in defence of the home and family, because clearly you're not able to provide a safe environment for yourself or your kids.

You ended this months ago. If he ignores this, you contact the police and get a non mol if need be.

You don't invite him for days out, or back to yours.

Take back control of your life and sort this mess out. You put your kids in this situation, now one of them is facing charges as a result of your decision.

What exactly do you need to happen to sort this out? If not rock bottom now, when?

Lipgloss74 Sun 05-Jun-16 13:43:09

I've just had a call the domestic abuse unit and they assure me this man was abusing me and controlling me, he will appear in court tomorrow and they will recommend that part of his bail conditions is to stay well away from me and my family with no contact.
I was worried what he was thinking but to be honest I don't care any more, I've put up with enough and it's my healthy for me or my kids to see me being treated this way no matter what excuses my ex gives.
I'm seeing my phycologist on Tuesday and my doctor Wednesday and have been put in touch with a police domestic liaison officer.
I'm so mixed up but thanks for your advice and support. X

MHnurse16 Sun 05-Jun-16 13:50:11

You sound like you have put up with a lot Lipgloss and to be frank life is simply too short to stay with a man who is projecting his own issues onto you. You say you have weight/health problems? You need someone who is understanding of that. Not someone who will put you down.
I'm so glad for you having your sons around for support, but remember this may affect them in future so it's important to talk about it honestly and openly with them. It may bring you and your sons even closer! Which is a positive out of a very bad situation.

The hardest part about leaving them is the long-term damage it does to you, leading you to think you are worthless and then end up going back to them. You need to be strong and stay away. A controlling/paranoid mind does not change, it takes years of therapy for a man to even begin to change that sort of mind set, you're well rid of him.

I really do hope you're okay and I would definitely recommend contacting the police if he turns up at the door. Good luck xx

OurBlanche Sun 05-Jun-16 13:51:32

You may be mixed up but you will get there. In a few posts you have gone from allowing him to do as he pleases to I was worried what he was thinking but to be honest I don't care any more.... no matter what excuses my ex gives. which, whilst still giving him some 'power' over you is far better than you you began smile

Your next move will be to be more proactive, not waiting for anyone to tell you he is an abusive arse but demanding he is prosecuted as such... your psychologist will help, you will feel so much less mixed up and worried when you do.

Best of luck.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Jun-16 20:54:18

I hope the charges against your son are dropped. Don't ever talk to this man or let him near your family again. You need to protect them from such unsavoury people.

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