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Thinking of leaving but I'm pregnant

(11 Posts)
Hadenoughoftumble Sat 04-Jun-16 17:51:42

I'm 30 and my partner is in his mid twenties. We have been together for almost 8 years and we have a dd who is 2 and I am 21 weeks pregnant with a ds. We've been through a lot together- our dd was born with serious health problems, so we've been through numerous hospital stays and coming to terms with a long term prognosis that isn't great. Despite all that she is doing great at the moment and is such a happy, easygoing little girl!
When I was younger I always dreamed about having my own little family and we'd be loving and fun with plenty of family days out, lots of laughing and joking, meals round the table, helping each other clean up etc. We'd also be motivated and be eager to decorate our home, do some gardening and generally enjoy each other's company. I know this seems like an idealised vision of family life but this honestly what I had hoped for!
Our daily life is nothing like this. Our house is a mess, we've been here a year and we haven't even managed to put carpet down yet. If I suggest days out (like I did this morning) I'm met with grumbles and avoidance of the question. I would have taken dd on my own but she isn't able to walk yet and at almost 2.5 she is getting heavy and I struggle on my own. So instead today we have done nothing. Dp is currently asleep on the sofa while I play with dd.
Instead he has spent the whole day asking if we can have sex (like I'm going to say yes at 2pm while dd presumably watches tv?!) and trying to grope me- he thinks I'm a complete prude because I don't want to have sex more than once a week. He is always grabbing at my chest and thinks I'm strange for not liking it!
He is a good dad to dd but in a 'fun dad' sort of way- he never changes nappies, changes her clothes, prepares her food or anything like that. He never wants to take her for a day out. I carry her to bed every night but I worry as I get bigger I won't be able to. There are many other things but I don't want to bore anyone!
I know that I am not easy to live with anymore because every day I hope it'll be better and when it's not I cry. A lot. Sorry for the long post I just wanted to get everything off my chest as the only person I can tell is one close friend but she has her own things going on so I don't want to lean on her too much! I'm just wondering if anyone has left a relationship (not because of cheating, abuse etc) whilst pregnant?

OooLookShoes Sat 04-Jun-16 18:08:13

If that's your definition of a good dad I hate to think what you would consider to be a shit one...

gingerbreadmanm Sat 04-Jun-16 18:18:46

You poor thing. Does he really know how you feel? Are your parents around, could you talk to them?

Maybe you could tell dp you need space and see how you both feel after that? I know thats not always a simple solution but it could work?

HandyWoman Sat 04-Jun-16 18:21:01

He's not a good dad. Nope. I'm not surprised you're thinking of leaving. I presume you have tried to discuss your unhappiness with him? You have a lot on your plate and an idealised version of family life. But your dh sounds totally disengaged in family life entitled and very unsupportive. You are right to question your relationship with DH.

What do you want to happen now?

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jun-16 18:28:13

I think it's much, much easier to be on your own that to be with someone like him. He sounds really uncaring and unkind. I know it will be tough but you're doing everything on your own anyway - it's easier to get on and do it without someone snoring on the sofa.

Hadenoughoftumble Sat 04-Jun-16 18:35:23

Thank you for your kind replies. I've tried talking to him but he just shuts down (something I think stems from his difficult childhood). Last night he flew off the handle and refused to speak to me for a good couple of hours because I questioned the date of the paracetamol he was trying to give dd! I can't speak to my parents because although they are courteous to him they have never been keen on him and would take any negative thing I say as a green light to start bashing him at every opportunity. I don't want dd to hear that.
At the moment I feel like I am drowning and I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't want to turn around and be 60 with no life and no memories to speak of. Thank you for listening to me ramble!

RaeSkywalker Sat 04-Jun-16 18:41:24

You sound like you're really struggling, and understandably so. Have you considered going to see your GP? If you feel like you're drowning and you're crying a lot, you need help.

Is there really no one you can go to IRL for some support?

He doesn't sound like a good dad to be brutally honest. I think I'd be making plans to leave (or ask him to leave) if I was in your position, even if it's just to give you space to think about what you want. Start looking into the benefits you might be entitled to if you separated.

Well, at least your parents would be supportive if you want to leave him.

If you want to talk to them, why not start with: "I want to talk to you about how I'm unhappy in my marriage, but I need you to not jump all over it or be judgey, etc..." If you did this, would they honour your request?

And, no. I agree with PPs: he's not a good dad.

HandyWoman Sat 04-Jun-16 18:50:26

I think you should open up to your parents. Let them support you. Right now you need it. When things settle down you can lay ground rules for what can and not be said in front of your dd.

Hadenoughoftumble Sat 04-Jun-16 19:24:00

Thank you all- I know you're right and I can see it when it's written down! I'd put all the crying down to pregnancy hormones but I do think there's a bit more to it.
When I think about leaving I get so scared. We are very lucky to be in a 3 bed council bungalow in a rural village but the council have said that because we are both on the tenancy if one of us left the other wouldn't automatically take over the tenancy sad. Dp also works full time whilst I'm a sahm and we really struggle financially. I know that I keep thinking of reasons to stay and it's because I'm afraid but I need to think of my dd and unborn ds and put my big girl pants on!

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