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His happiness over mine

(79 Posts)
captainflash Sat 04-Jun-16 14:29:24

This is likely to be long and I don't want to dripfeed so big congrats to anyone who keeps going!

I have been married for nearly 12 years, been with DH since I was 19 (together for 16 years now) and we have 2 fabulous kids, DS 9 and DD 3. Over the last 4-5 years I have become increasingly disillusioned with the state of my marriage and what our relationship has become. We had a big conversation about four and half years ago where I told him as such and explained how miserable I was and that we needed to sort ourselves out. We did for a time I guess and the classic 'band aid baby' DD came along.

But, now she's bigger, I'm pretty sure I cannot do this anymore and do not want to be in this marriage. There's nothing 'wrong' as such. He doesn't beat me or cheat on me nor is he emotionally abusive in anyway. There are just so many small things that he does that I have been trying to live with for so long but am becoming increasingly frustrated with. He does very little around the house. He gets them ready for school each day and does the school run as I work early but we do our fair share of pick-ups and dinners as he often works late. He also works some of the weekend so I am with the two on my own then. He will leave clothes, plates, food, food wrappers around the houses and does almost no housework whatsoever unless asked.

Another thing is that he doesn't wash very often. I counted recently and it took him nearly 17 days to have a bath. It's disgusting. He sometimes won't change his underwear all week either or brush his teeth yet still expects to sleep in our bed and have sex. It almost repulses me.

Another thing is money. He is horrendous with money. I earn more so pay the vast majority of bills. I have no idea how much he earns. He gives me some every week but I have no idea what he does with what he has left. He often asks me for more during the week. I pay for everything for the children. If we go out as a family, he never pays for anything. I had to find a great deal of money just before Christmas to fix his car as he had none saved. He just assumed I'd pay it. He also has no friends or hobbies and will spend night upon night online gaming on his phone or tablet. He doesn't really talk to me or ask about my day.

I'm so tired of it all. I am tired of being the grown up. It's like he's a teenager and I am his mother. I have to blow up at him And remind him of all of this about every 6 months or so. It gets better for a bit but he can't maintain it and it slips back.
I'm done. I've had enough. I can't live like this anymore. I am so miserable and need more out of my life.
However, when I've tried to talk to my mum and family, they all think I'm being horrendously selfish and that it will devastate him. They say that I'm his world and that I need to stop thinking I can 'have it all'. I have a good but demanding career, a hobby that I love and go out a bit with. But they think I need to give this up to give him more. And they think my new hobby- which means I spend time out socialising more than I did- has caused all this. It really hasn't. I have felt like this for years. Long before my hobby came along. Nor is there anyone else. I am just miserable and lonely beyond belief and I am tired of pretending to be happy.
We had a big talk last week and he is devastated. He doesn't want to split and says he can change but I don't think he can or maintain it in the long run. I asked him if he was depressed (this is a common question I get asked about him esp with the not washing and no friends / hobbies). He said he wasn't. More that he was totally content with his life and didn't realise anything was wrong.
I just don't know what to do. Am I being selfish for wanting more? Should I just do what they say and give up on any of my dreams and ambitions to make him happy? It would be an easier life. I don't want to put my kids through a separation but there is no joy or laughter with him. But, then he wouldn't be so broken and my family wouldn't be so disappointed with me.
Any thoughts anyone. Please

AnyFucker Sat 04-Jun-16 14:32:55

I don't know how you have lasted this long.

smilingeyes11 Sat 04-Jun-16 14:33:10

No you are not selfish at all. Why should you stay mothering him. By doing this you are just enabling his behaviour. He will never grow up and I don't see why you should bankroll such feckless behaviour at the expense of not only your bank balance but your happiness too.

memyselfandaye Sat 04-Jun-16 14:38:01

He sounds revolting, the underwear and not bathing for over two weeks would be enough for me.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism Sat 04-Jun-16 14:41:02

I believe he has some deep psychological wounding from early childhood - him not keeping himself clean is a indicator of that. That could be sorted out by a good psychotherapist. But could take several years... That is, if you could persuade him to go; that's perhaps doubtful - men tend to wait until their whole world collapses before they seek help.

And if you can find the energy or enthusiasm to wait. Again, I suspect it may be too late for that. Your situation is pretty grim. Eventually we no longer have the will to try.

ThatStewie Sat 04-Jun-16 14:42:56

Why are you with this man?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 04-Jun-16 14:44:06

However, when I've tried to talk to my mum and family, they all think I'm being horrendously selfish and that it will devastate him

Presumably your mother has mothered her own H as well. I would also look at what you have learnt about relationships from your parents, they may have shown you a very poor example.

They are being completely unhelpful as well as being overinvested. They are basically acting in their own self interest here and have their own agendas. They want you to stay as you are. They are not your friends here.

You are not selfish for wanting more out of a relationship. You cannot go on mothering him as you have done; your man comes across as a recycled teenager.

Doing more of the same is going to emotionally destroy you as well as teaching your children damaging lessons about relationships. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

Kidnapped Sat 04-Jun-16 14:45:19

You might want to have a think about your own upbringing if your own family think that you exist merely in order to service someone else. They sound almost worse than he is.

They are calling you selfish because you want to be happy? It says a lot about them.

Still, if they are that bothered about him they can take him in. smile

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Sat 04-Jun-16 14:45:32

Your family are not married to him and you don't owe them anything. Make your decision for you and for the kids. It's a shame your family aren't supportive but that's no reason not to separate.

Mishaps Sat 04-Jun-16 14:46:14

Well I would certainly refuse to have sex with someone who did not wash! I'd probably boot him out to the sofa!

Many women joke that they have e.g. 3 children when in fact they have 2 - the third being their spouse. This is very common and usually stems from an over-protective mother who did everything for them.

Basic question: do you love this guy?

CodyKing Sat 04-Jun-16 14:58:09

Sounds grim -

You deserve more - you sound tied - tired of being in charge without someone to look after you -

Imagine a man who cooked tea or tidied up before bed - took the kids out or ram you a bath - helped with finances instead of draining them

Leave - let him fester in his own filth

captainflash Sat 04-Jun-16 15:02:24

I'll answer what I can.
1- I don't think he is suffering from any childhood trauma. He is just lazy beyond belief. Always has been. He grew up in a very privileged lifestyle (not in this country) but one where having housemaids was very common. They did everything for him. He has never really had to look after himself. He went from this lifestyle (which also accounts for some of his horrendous political beliefs- story for another time!) to me effectively. No trauma. Just deep laziness. Yes. I am his mother.

2- my mum and dad divorced when I was young which may account for some of her views. He had an affair for 2 years before it was found out so she believes there has to be some cataclysmic event to end a marriage. She doesn't think I can just fall out of love with him. I think she also wants to save me from the hardship she went through as a single parent.

3- do I love him? No. I don't think I do anymore. He used to be so vibrant and exciting. But about he just stopped a few years ago. He says once we had kids our lives changed and that the past was enough for him and our lives can pick up again when they move out. I feel he's just stopped living. He's not unhappy. Content with what he has. But just stopped. And I can't live like that. I just can't

Fairenuff Sat 04-Jun-16 15:02:34

What does he say when you tell him he stinks and his breath is a foul concoction of rotting food?

springydaffs Sat 04-Jun-16 15:14:31

I hosted a middle eastern male student and he had apparently never done anything for himself at all. His mother washed his hair - he was 18 when he stayed with me - and his sisters got him a glass of water if he was thirsty. He literally had never done one thing for himself in his life. So I can see how it happens.

You aren't selfish at all. It is common in certain cultures for the men to expect to be mothered throughout their lives by the women in their life. You aren't that woman. You are not selfish to want out.

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 04-Jun-16 15:15:29

Fuck that shit. Life is too short. You DO deserve more than this. Go out and grasp it with both hands smile

Not selfish.

HarmlessChap Sat 04-Jun-16 15:50:15

He's dirty, lazy and self absorbed....

Time to move on.

timeforheroes Sat 04-Jun-16 15:59:14

Wouldn't the online gambling sites explain where his money is going?

I think you need to get out for your own self-preservation. My your own admission you no longer love this man, this is enough, regardless of his other unsavoury habits.

I'm no expert but I do think there may be more going on with your husband than just laziness. That's not a reason to stay, just an observation.

timeforheroes Sat 04-Jun-16 15:59:33

By not My

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 04-Jun-16 17:14:37

You are not selfish. Far from it.

He is selfish.

Of course you are his world. Of course he would be devastated if you left. He would have to start looking after himself. That would be much harder than having you do everything for him. That's why you are breaking up. It isn't an argument against breaking up.

He is totally content with his life as it is. Most of his income is disposable, he doesn't need to save, he gets all his housework done, he can get sex without even bothering with personal hygiene or chatting to the person he wants to have sex with.

Will it really be easier to stay? Surely you will become more and more resentful, then you will become more and more angry and depressed. Your DC will have a sad depressed mother, and inevitably you won't have the emotional reserves to help them through their teenage traumas as well as you'd like. Would you really give up your social life and hobbies to further spoil a manchild? How is that easier for you? How is that better for your DC?

My advice is to do what you know needs to be done: get divorced. Don't talk to your family about it, especially not your DM. They are being ridiculous. Talk to a sensible friend about it. Get it all done as quickly as possible.

purplefox Sat 04-Jun-16 17:20:21

Another thing is that he doesn't wash very often. I counted recently and it took him nearly 17 days to have a bath. It's disgusting. He sometimes won't change his underwear all week either or brush his teeth yet still expects to sleep in our bed and have sex. It almost repulses me.

I didn't need to read the rest, this is more than enough of a reason to leave, completely disgusting and selfish.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 04-Jun-16 17:20:54

The poor hygiene and minimal financial contribution would have had this relationship dead in the water for me some time ago. Both of these things are indicative of a complete lack of respect for you. That he won't lift a finger round the house unless you chivvy him, or worse, is more of the same.

He bungs you "some money" every week and then asks for some of it back? Fuck that shit!

You know, you don't need a list of plausible excuses or even reasons to end a relationship no matter how long-standing. "This isn't working for me any longer" is good enough.

Take no notice of anything your family think. They don't have to live with him, or share a bed with some dirty bastard who hasn't bathed for a fortnight. He needs to be kicked to the kerb just for that.

'Yet still expects to sleep in our bed and have sex. It almost repulses me."

Almost? Are you sure? I reckon I'd throw up on him at the mere suggestion but you may have a much stronger stomach than I.

"He'll be devastated" Oh, I'm sure he will once there's no sex on tap, a nice clean house to go home at at night and a wife who pays the majority of his living expenses and pays for all his children's wants and needs.

Get shot of him. Soon. Really, really soon

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 04-Jun-16 17:46:00

If he:-

1. Told you how much he earns and agreed a budget so he pays for household bills and the kids leaving the two of you with exactly the same amount of "free money" to do what you liked with and never asked you for extra
2. Showered or washed every day, changed underwear and t-shirts every day, brushed teeth twice a day, changed all other clothes every other day
3. Sat down with you, worked out a fair share of housework depending on hours you both worked to give you both equal leisure time

And he stuck to this for the next six months then would you stay with him happily or is it just too late.

If stay then the above is your list - spell it out exactly, give him six months and review monthly. If he can't do it to save his marriage he can't do it.

If not, file for divorce now and don't waste anymore time.

AyeAmarok Sat 04-Jun-16 17:53:23

This is not a partnership. He sounds inherently selfish and inconsistent.

I don't know how you can bear to be near him.

AyeAmarok Sat 04-Jun-16 17:53:35

Inconsiderate **

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