Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it me? Or him?

(58 Posts)
BoopTheSnoot Sat 04-Jun-16 08:25:22

I'm posting here because I just need to vent.
DS1 is 23 months old. DS2 is two and a half weeks old. DH works full time and I'm obviously on maternity leave.
I've done every single night feed since DS2 was born and look after both children alone all day. This means that after bad nights, I'm running round after a toddler and a newborn on an hours sleep. As well as doing all the housework, washing and cooking.
DH has started acting funny towards me, snapping etc but won't say what the problem is. It's just about pushing me over the edge, I'm having a really hard time. Some days I feel like I'm drowning. He sods off to bed at 10pm, falls asleep straightaway and gets up at 7am. Then he moans about how tired HE is! Really? That nine hours a night of unbroken sleep taking it out of you?
I don't know what to do. I'm too exhausted for an argument with him but the way he speaks to me is getting me down. What do I do?

Jimjamjoos Sat 04-Jun-16 08:30:43

When you have 2 dc you need to organise shifts. Dh would always take the first shift until 1am. I would go to bed at the same time as the toddler. This meant that we both got a block of sleep and could at least function. You do need to share it and it won't last for ever!

missmodular2 Sat 04-Jun-16 08:33:00

You need to show him what your day is like. The only way you can do this is by letting him look after them both for the day and go out somewhere so he can't call on you. Then you get a rest and he gets a reality check.

missmodular2 Sat 04-Jun-16 08:40:20

Appreciate my suggestion is difficult if you're bfing - but agree with Jim that you need to share the burden in whatever way works for you!

BoopTheSnoot Sat 04-Jun-16 08:44:29

If I ask for help he gets so arsey about it, that it makes me wonder if I'm being totally unreasonable. He bit my head off yesterday evening because I asked him to go and get some milk from the corner shop.
I don't think he understands how hard it is to spend all day running round after a toddler, while trying to do the cleaning, with a grumpy newborn who doesn't like to get his wind up after feeding. All this after little sleep- the most I've had in one night was four hours (broken) since baby was born.
If I say I'm tired, his idea is to ask his mum to take the baby overnight. And then he thinks I'm a wet blanket for saying no- two weeks old is FAR too young for him to be sleeping out anywhere.
It's not the kids that are getting to me- they're just kids. DS1 is just being a toddler and DS2 is just doing what newborns do.
It's DH. I'm growing to massively resent him. At this point I feel like my workload would actually be reduced if he just left; less washing for me to do, less ironing, and one less person to cook for.

Kr1stina Sat 04-Jun-16 08:48:46

It's him he's a lazy selfish arse.

What does he do between getting home from work and going to bed at 10pm ?

And why does he need 9 hours sleep a night - has he always done that ? When he used to go out of an evening , did he leave at 9:30 ?

allthemoomins Sat 04-Jun-16 08:50:08

It's definitely him and not you. What does he do after work? Did he take paternity leave? Men like this infuriate me angry

Jimjamjoos Sat 04-Jun-16 08:50:09

You're not being unreasonable so take it from there and have confidence. My dh was quite good as he knew the hell of having both of them by himself. You both have full time jobs now, it's not like mat leave the first time round. My dh used to skip out of the door to work; he knew he had the easier deal! It's very easy for resentment to breed and it can have a lasting effect.

Penfold007 Sat 04-Jun-16 08:50:24

Do you feel brave enough to get up and go out this morning and leave him with the children for the day?
He's lazy and opting out.

BoopTheSnoot Sat 04-Jun-16 08:59:55

He mainly sits and plays on his phone while ignoring us all. Or sits on the sofa and nods off to sleep, which I find infuriating.
Oh and let's not forget the important business of sitting on the loo for 40 minutes at a time.
He's gone out this morning on some works jolly, he won't be back until this afternoon. But if I left the kids with him for a day, I know that DS1 would probably be snapped at, DS2 would stay in pyjamas for the day, and the house would be a shit hole on my return- which I'd then have to sort out. More work.

Jimjamjoos Sat 04-Jun-16 09:04:17

Nah, do it!! Perfect opportunity. As he walks in later you have the kids ready and off you go. Just do it. Go to your mum's for dinner and a kip. He needs some wake up calls.

Cabrinha Sat 04-Jun-16 09:33:02

I wouldn't go to your mum, I'd go to a solicitor.
Then I'd give him an ultimatum that he pulled his weight or it was over.
If that sounds dramatic, I am at least suggesting the opportunity for him to change first.

missmodular2 Sat 04-Jun-16 09:33:46

If you want him to step up you have to give him the opportunity.

HomeGeekHome Sat 04-Jun-16 09:39:43

miss that's bollocks, this lazy arse has got plenty of opportunity to step up and be a father, the OP doesn't have to leave her tiny children with him all day for him to do it. He could do some of the night feeds if baby is bottle fed, he could not bugger off on jollies while his wife struggles with their children on very little sleep, he could pull his weight with the housework. Plenty of things he could do.

OP, it's definitely not you, it's him, he's being a shit.

HomeGeekHome Sat 04-Jun-16 09:43:50

When my babies were that tiny my DH did pretty much everything that wasn't breastfeeding. He wanted to. And once he was back at work if stuff didn't get done because I hadn't slept properly and the baby just wanted me all day, it was no big deal.

newname99 Sat 04-Jun-16 09:44:43

Its not you! That's is breath taking selfishness to leave you with a newborn to go out for a jolly.Did he take paternity leave?

I really think you need to get some rest as you cant go on with so much workload and no help

Do you have family nearby?

Leave the housework, I know it's stressy to let it pile up but your rest is more important.

Was your dh always so selfish or is this a new development?

HandyWoman Sat 04-Jun-16 09:45:57

OMG he does so little yet he is so grumpy

This is how my ex husband ended up.

You're here already. Frankly this is a no-brainer.

Divorce is the only remedy for this rubbish. It will bring you peace, less work, no resentment..... Best thing I ever did.

Get thee to a solicitor.

Finola1step Sat 04-Jun-16 09:54:17

I too think you should hand the dcs over and go out. If baby isn't being ebf, stay out as long as possible. Tell him he needs to practise having the dc on his own because they way things are going, you will be splitting up. So he needs to get used to having the dc on his own eow.

Finola1step Sat 04-Jun-16 09:55:52

Oh and why didn't he take paternity leave?

My dh is self employed but still took the first two weeks off. Well he did have 9 months to clear his schedule and put money aside. It is doable.

allthemoomins Sat 04-Jun-16 10:04:21

Has he always been like this OP? How was he during the pregnancy and how is his relationship with your older son?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 04-Jun-16 10:05:38

Its not you its him.

But I have to look at you as well Boop. What do you get out of this relationship with him?.

OP has already written that "But if I left the kids with him for a day, I know that DS1 would probably be snapped at, DS2 would stay in pyjamas for the day, and the house would be a shit hole on my return- which I'd then have to sort out. More work". Therefore I do not think she is going to do that. Leaving the children with what is really their waste of space father will also cause the above result.

I presume as well because he works full time he thinks and feels more than entitled not to do much if anything at home; the man's bitten OPs head off about something as trivial as bringing in some milk from a local shop.

What are his family like Boop; there are clues there also.

RosieandJim89 Sat 04-Jun-16 10:14:06

When DS was around 7 months old I lost it with DH and told him that he had until the end of summer (3 months) to demonstrate why I needed him around. I was doing everything whilst he worked and spent his free time either at the gym or with friends - never with us, always too busy.
He shaped up and is now brilliant around the house and with DS even though the house is currently a disgrace
I think it is time you were blunt with him.

Cocoabutton Sat 04-Jun-16 10:14:45

Definitely him - are you sure you did not take up with my ex?!?

It is easier without a man like that as you know you are on your own, if that makes sense. But initiating a split in the fog of tiredness is not a good idea, unless you have good support and you know that financially you can manage on your own - otherwise you risk adding a different stress.

But he does need to shape up or ship out. It is definitely not you.

BoopTheSnoot Sat 04-Jun-16 10:54:31

I did most of the work with DS1 when he was newborn, but DH did more then, than he has done this time.
I'd describe him as distant during the pregnancy. For example, he never felt the baby move- he was always preoccupied with something else.
When he can be arsed he can be a wonderful dad to DS1. But that's the issue- it's only when he can be bothered, and that's not fair on a little boy.
I live close to my mum, and my dad and sister are also nearby. My mum and dad both adore DH (dad describes him as the son he never had hmm) but my sister has seen his mask slip and knows what he's like.
If I left the kids with him for a day, I'd just be frantic with worry the whole time because I know it wouldn't go well. However, DS2 is fed expressed breastmilk from a bottle (due to latching issues), so no real reason that he couldn't do the first feed at 11.30pm for me. He just doesn't want to.

Sassypants82 Sat 04-Jun-16 11:00:18

Sorry to read you're feeling like this. Its so bloody tough. You need to specifically tell your DH exactly how you need his support, including help with the housework, cooking & night feeds. Sounds like he's getting away with doing as little as possible. Would it be affordable to get somebody in to help with the cleaning even once a week for a few hours? (this helped me immensely during the early days after my DS was born & took away so much stress). Would it be possible to send your toddler to playschool during the mornings or for any sessions at all? Then you might have a chance of sleeping when your newborn sleeps. Its a tough time, make sure your DH pulls his weight.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now