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Ending a relationship when dp wants to fix it

(38 Posts)
hawleybits Fri 03-Jun-16 20:26:48

Briefly, dp and I met three years ago and have a long distance relationship and definitely no end in sight for several more years. We each have a youngest dc of 15 and we're both committed to keeping their home lives stable.

That said, we have a mostly happy relationship when we are together, which is at weekends and also during school holidays.

Here's the however...Even with our restricted time, I still sometimes want some time for just me and I don't think it's unreasonable. He's quite hurt if we don't plan our free time together although he never puts pressure on me, I just feel it. We're getting to the point of not making the effort to chat on the phone as much and I find myself getting very wrapped up in things at my end, to the point, I sometimes wish I was single again. Not for dating but just to be able to do my own thing.

I'm a home owner; he rents and I always seem to have a project on the go. He doesn't need to set time aside for this sort of thing and I feel guilty asking for his help when he's here, as I feel we should be doing nice things together,

I'm at the stage where I'm thinking, perhaps we should end it and we have discussed it. I'm tired of the long journeys and starting to get a little bit resentful and I feel terribly selfish. He wants to keep going and make more effort...me, he means.

We did split for a few months last year but we missed one another and so decided to try again. This time though, I feel like it'd be a great relief. I'm actually very sad but the guilt is the worst part.

Would you end a relationship for these reasons?

ImperialBlether Fri 03-Jun-16 20:33:51

How often do you see him at the moment? When would you see yourselves as being together, if it all went well?

We need weekends to do everyday things - we can't spend them all like a mini holiday. Do you see each other every weekend?

hawleybits Fri 03-Jun-16 20:46:20

We both work full time and it always used to be alternate weekends. He'd come here more often than I'd go to him but usually because his dc would go to their mum and mine are here mostly.

It's crept up gradually to being almost every weekend because he says he doesn't mind the journey. I've agreed because I feel mean if I say no, especially when I don't have to do the drive. But, I do have to sometimes put things on hold - not hugely urgent things - might just be mowing the lawns but it never gets done if he's here.

It all sounds silly written down but there are other things I have to juggle and it's beginning to irritate me.

hawleybits Fri 03-Jun-16 20:47:53

Oh, and I can't see a way we could live together for at least until our youngest dc have finished uni.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Jun-16 22:05:15

You should talk to him, it's quite sad but, you shouldn't be with him out of sympathy

WillIEverBeASizeTen Fri 03-Jun-16 22:30:14

hawley..I'm in a similar situation and have toyed with posting here too, so I'm glad I've seen this thread.

I've been in a relationship for 4 years, we don't live together either. We both have a youngest dc, mine just 18 and his 17. We both work full time, or rather he did (recently redundant) but he worked from home. He has very little going on in his life and I am his main social outlet. We used to see each other in the week AND weekends, but I stopped it weekdays as 1) I never got anything done indoors and 2) no ME time. He has all the time in the world to get stuff done as he is at home. He is still in bed while I'm on my way to work, he just doesn't (want to) understand my needs.

Like you, I feel I SHOULD see him as he gets 'humpy' if I don'thmmit has bred resentment on my part and again, like you, I wish I was single again.

We are not in a LDR but I do feel suffocated sometimes. We are currently on a 'break'.

JennyHolzersGhost Fri 03-Jun-16 22:41:03

Tbh OP I think you have two choices :
1) integrate him into your weekend routine (so for example he cracks on with the washing up while you push the mower across the lawn, or whatever designation of chores suits);
Or
2) you limit your relationship and build in enough 'you time' to get stuff done and not feel swamped by him.

Tbh if he can't cope with either of those options then I'd have to say he's being a bit stifling.

hawleybits Fri 03-Jun-16 23:22:06

WillI it's really helpful to know I'm not alone! I also feel like I'm dp's little haven/ mini break. I'm the sort of person who likes to make things nice, so clean house, clean sheets, meals planned, in fact rushing around getting as much done as I possibly can before his arrival, so that we can do stuff.

What I'd really appreciate sometimes, is for him to offer to help me with things. He's walked up and down my half- painted staircase for the past few months without comment. It's too high for me without big ladders and I'll probably end up paying someone to do it. Wouldn't a decent, willing, helpful partner say, "let me help you?" He's not really a manual sort of person. I always just get on with things and he can come across as being a bit helpless.

So I'm stuck here still, wondering and worrying about upsetting him. You could say we're on a sort of break arm too.

hawleybits Fri 03-Jun-16 23:25:24

*atm

hawleybits Fri 03-Jun-16 23:33:49

Jenny, the thing is, he'll happily wash a few dishes and clear up after a meal, I'm not his total servant and if I go to his house, he is a brilliant host. But it's the bigger things I struggle with. DIY/garden/ kids who play music and sport, it all needs my time. If he lived around the corner, I still don't think he'd feel it was his place to start tackling anything other than things that directly concern him.

I like your thinking though smile

WillIEverBeASizeTen Fri 03-Jun-16 23:50:21

Have you actually asked him to help you with DIY though? It might be a case of just laying your cards on the table and telling him just how it is.

Men don't 'read' women, best to tell him what you want, they're not good with 'hints'!

My fella is good with a lot of the big stuff, but I feel I have to spend every waking moment with him as 'payment' iyswim. I've never been in a relationship so demanding as this, or maybe I'm just an intolerant middle aged hagsad

WillIEverBeASizeTen Fri 03-Jun-16 23:52:42

Oh and when I said 'I wish I was single' I also meant not for dating..I don't think I'd ever date againconfused

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 03-Jun-16 23:56:07

Yes OP, I would end it for the reasons you have given. It sounds as though the relationship has run its course and even if it was not long distance, you are very different people.

SeemsLegit Fri 03-Jun-16 23:57:14

If you're not happy you can end the relationship. It sounds like you might be a little bit bored of him and your arrangement.

You don't need a reason to finish things if you aren't happy then you aren't happy

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Sat 04-Jun-16 00:06:19

Do you still love him though? If you do I wouldn't break up with him just yet, you could really try to get him on board with doing things when he's there, and have a rule that every third weekend is for 'me' time. Ask him to help with the staircase! He's not a mind reader.
On the other hand if you don't love him or he won't accept those conditions (not that you'd need to present them that way), then yes I would say it's time to end the relationship sadly.

Casmama Sat 04-Jun-16 00:06:46

It sounds like you're just not that into him. It also sounds more hassle than it's worth. I would end it, cut ties and move on.

hawleybits Sat 04-Jun-16 00:24:16

Just to clarify, I've had him help out with some painting at my mother's house. He knew we were going to be doing it but didn't really come prepared and was pretty clueless and not terribly willing although he did pitch in. He's just not keen on DIY and has made that very clear to me.

I'm sure, (especially now he knows things aren't great between us) if I asked him outright to help me paint the staircase, he wouldn't refuse but he definitely wouldn't be very enthusiastic. I know him of old.

SandyY2K Sat 04-Jun-16 02:16:35

I agree that the relationship has run it's course on your side. There are things you'd rather do and he seems to get in the way of that or there just isn't enough time in your life for him.

It doesn't sound like you get an awful lot of pleasure from the relationship and the initial excitement has well and truly worn off.

Best to end it and let him move on.

WillIEverBeASizeTen Sat 04-Jun-16 09:23:32

I think,as far as DIY is concerned, not all men are good at it, or even willing! My ex was good at it but couldn't be arsed to do it.

This runs deeper than DIY though OP, just one of the 'niggles' about him (I'm guessing). Like me, If you truly wanted to be with him, his DIY skills, or the fact he wants your time wouldn't be an issue, you would make it work. We all get caught up with family life, but he should be a distraction, an exciting end to a mundane week!

The biggest question I guess is do you love him? Do you look forward to him coming over, or is it an inconvenience?

hawleybits Sat 04-Jun-16 11:09:49

WillI you've probably hit the nail on the head. It has to be more than just his lack of practical support. I used to look forward to seeing him but that was before I had so much to deal with. I've only recently bought my house and there's been a definite upturn in time spent doing jobs.

I'm just so unsure about everything but when I look at it, I really should be more excited about seeing him and not thinking I don't have the time. He likes to read and visit places and have coffee. I like those those things too but I'd just as happily spend a day, knocking down a wall or in the garden. I sound so boring but I think finally, our paths have taken a different turn.

I probably should calm down a bit but I can't!

WillIEverBeASizeTen Sat 04-Jun-16 11:41:55

Tbh maybe he sees it as YOUR house therefore no real interest for him?

You may just be resentful of his lack of help and it's not necessarily that you don't have feelings for him. It's actually a lovely quality for a man to want to visit places, have coffee etc, but it's all about a balance isn't it? Before you 'write him off' I would actually tell him how you feel/what you want, and the compromise between you to have those things.

I had a LDR before the relationship I'm in now..I finished with him purely because I hardly saw him (army) he had kids and an acrimonious split, I was at the very bottom of his pile. It was going to be a very long time before he could settle in one place. I couldn't carry on without the physical togetherness which I craved from him. It wasn't meant to be and he let me go without a backward glance, so I did the right thing. LDR's are fine if there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but quite frankly, they're not for me.

SandyY2K Sat 04-Jun-16 12:01:46

I agree with Will, it's your house so why would he really want to spend his time on the weekends doing DIY. He has no investment in the house.

Flip it around - if a man was complaining his DP wouldn't volunteer to do the traditional feminine roles in his house.

When you don't live with your partner, I don't know that you can really expect the amount of support you seem to want with your home.

DorindaJ Sat 04-Jun-16 12:17:17

You've said he doesn't like DIY, it's not his home, so I can see why he's not going to want to spend his free time doing that...is seeing him less for a while a big problem?

hawleybits Sat 04-Jun-16 19:37:49

Seeing him less isn't a problem for me but it is for him. He wants us to see one another as often as possible. I'm resentful because I have loads to do and not enough time to do it. I've never expected or asked for any sort of help but just always hope that he'll offer. And I do help him out at his house, always.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 04-Jun-16 22:23:27

You want time to yourself, which means seeing him less often. So do that.

Tell him that he only gets every other weekend or whatever it is that suits you. If he doesn't want to continue the relationship on that basis then fine, that's his choice.

You shouldn't carry on putting your needs second to his. It isn't right.

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