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Online dating anxiety

(9 Posts)
bonjournono Fri 03-Jun-16 19:43:48

After being single for over 2 years, I've recently tried out online dating. I met up for a coffee with one man, who was nice but there was no spark. I then took a short break and have been texting another man I met online. He seems nice and we've arranged to meet for coffee on Sunday but I'm having mass anxiety about it and it's taking all of my strength not to cancel.

I think it's partly because I'm scared of being in a relationship again. I'm in my late 20s and have been single since my last LTR which ended very badly. We were planning to get married when he said out of the blue that the relationship wasn't working and he wanted to end it. I then found out he had been cheating and the OW was pregnant. I moved back in with my parents and it's taken me a long time to get over everything. I still feel like I'm in a fog sometimes, just going through life without any interest in anyone. I can honestly say I haven't fancied anyone since my ex. I have problems with anxiety and depression anyway so I'm not sure if that's masking it but I'm happy to be single, although I don't want to be single forever.

The man I'm speaking to at the moment is worrying me because he seems far too keen. He's 2 years younger than me and seems a bit immature. He's the type who wants to have text conversations which last all day, from the moment he gets up to the moment he goes to sleep. He treats me like a good friend already, telling me how his day at work is and what he's up to etc. This is very weird to me as I still regard him as a total stranger - we haven't met and I would have been happy to stop texting when we'd arranged to meet and save the chat for then. I don't always reply to his messages but he just follows it up with another the next day. When I told him I live with family but my life is still independent as I do everything for myself, he said "it should be the other way around! My parents do everything for me when I go home."

I just feel confused and need perspective. Do you think I'm over reacting by wanting to cancel and talking myself out of this meeting because of my anxiety? Or should I meet him and see how it goes, as it could be what I need to move on? It could be the start of a good relationship and I don't want to sabotage it if that's the case.

Does anyone else feel like this about online dating? Happy to arrange to meet one minute then worrying and wanting to cancel the next?

Vintage1996 Fri 03-Jun-16 20:04:46

I think you are doing fine. The man you are talking to is giving you alarm bells due to the fact he is too forward which is a red flag for me, back off a bit and see how he reacts?

pocketsaviour Fri 03-Jun-16 20:09:45

He's the type who wants to have text conversations which last all day, from the moment he gets up to the moment he goes to sleep. He treats me like a good friend already, telling me how his day at work is and what he's up to etc.

"Hey u, how's ur day? I got sacked for texting too much lol"

In all seriousness, if you don't feel ready to date, then don't date. Especially since you said you're happy to be single. What is your end goal here? If you feel you "should" be in a relationships because all your friends are or your parents think you should, well fuck that.

bonjournono Sat 04-Jun-16 10:32:28

I think the end goal is to be happy. I feel quite lonely sometimes. All of my single friends are now finding partners, buying homes, moving on and I feel like the odd one out. I feel a bit of a loser to be honest, still living with my parents. I have a good job but I currently work part time as I had a breakdown last year due to bereavement and (ironically) work stress which made my MH issues worse. I'm saving for a house deposit and after the breakup, the plan was to buy a house by myself but I'm not sure what I'll do because I don't think living alone would suit me.

Maybe I should stop online dating. It's just that I don't have the opportunity to meet people in everyday life as circumstances and anxiety get in the way.

Starrynights03 Sat 04-Jun-16 11:08:54

Hi. Just wanted to say the beginning of online dating is a bit scary and it's easy to fall into doing whatever the person you're chatting to, wants to do. You will soon get the hang of it. Only do what you feel comfortable with. I've had the over familiar guys who after a couple of messages behave as if we are married! I've had the 'let's Skype baby' immediately kind of ones etc. etc. Everyone is different. I now do what feels comfortable for ME! And it would appear that this varies from man to man. I've got a date tonight with someone who does not want to message all day. That's quite refreshing as before I always took the lots of messaging to mean super keen. Its not always the case. I've done the crazy all day messaging thing and then they've just disappeared. So again just do what feels natural.

In relation to buying a house. You could always get a flat share. I always shared flats in my twenties and it was a good transition for me, from moving from living with my parents. OLD is a numbers game and I think you need to be fairly resilient as there's a lot of dross to wade through....lots of inappropriate sexually explicit messages etc. from total strangers. But I've met a couple of very decent guys online so good luck! x

loobyloo1234 Sat 04-Jun-16 11:11:50

Tbh this guy sounds quite sweet? There are a lot of online men who would be asking you what underwear you're wearing after just a few texts. I think you need to go on the date and then make a decision. I suffer from anxiety too - the only way to overcome our fear of things, is to actually do them sometimes. Let us know how you get on tomorrow grin

Starrynights03 Sat 04-Jun-16 11:21:51

I've just checked. And the guy I'm meeting tonight actually sent me 32 messages yesterday! Lol. And I said I didn't think he texted much. God I must be a text demanding crazy woman! Lol x

HandyWoman Sat 04-Jun-16 11:36:39

32 text messages a day from a stranger. It's a massive overinvestment. The fact it makes you angsty means your instincts are fine. You are also right to respond at your own pace and not feel the need to respond to each message. Look after yourself. Keep asking yoursel 'am I ok with this!' And listen to the answer.

Inexperiencedchick Sat 04-Jun-16 11:51:54

Hi OP, I had the same few weeks back...

Was soooo scared to meet up with him, health issues made me cancel the date. At that time I didn't think of rearranging as I only thought about my health. But when I got better I'm facing the reality now as he disappeared.
And there were so many questions to the extend I felt myself having a job interview...

I don't know what to suggest but just go and feel relaxed.
As pp said check from time to time if you are okay with it.

Good luck and have fun, 💐

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