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Confused, angry, hurt

(24 Posts)
Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 19:33:38

I have an ex who I am friends with, we have always had a very tumultuous friendship due to our history. He has a new girlfriend (she is the other women in our breakup) he doesn't know I know they're still together but we (she and I, he and I) have mutual friends who have told me.
He will always agree to meet me and then cancel last minute, he always lets me down, he rarely texts back. Yet, for the last couple of weeks he has been chatting to me, we've talked on the phone, been texting each other and it's been great. Last Friday we had phone sex, not for the first time, it was such a stupid mistake and I rationalised being the other woman by using the excuse that he cheated on me with the woman he is now in a relationship with.
i know there is no excuse and I have made a stupid mistake
His girlfriend has seen me out and has given me an "if looks could kill" look. This was before last Friday and for no reason I could think of.
I am so angry with myself and with him. He treats me poorly and I let him and even reward him. Now I have put myself in the position of being the other woman and if his girlfriend finds out she will be going through the pain and hurt I now am because he has started ignoring me and treating me as an expendable part of his life again.
I have discovered there is a part of me that wants justice and my justice is to tell her everything (I have the evidence on my phone) I want her to know she isn't special and he is still a cheat and I want him to know I will not lie down and take him treating me badly like this, but she doesn't deserve to get caught in the crossfire like this, no matter how much I hate him and myself for what we've done.
I'm expecting to get flamed for everything I have done. I just need some form of advice or common sense from someone. Thank you.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Jun-16 19:36:08

You'll only get flamed from me, for sounding about 17. You're being played by a cheat, surely you're better than that?

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 19:50:50

I am getting played by a cheat and I am better than that. There is no excuse but I always feel he knows what he's doing when he has an end goal of phone sex in sight. I always feel he's acting differently and maybe he's changed and then he reminds me who he really is.
I'm sick of this but am not ready to block him yet (I've set myself an end date to do this)

bumpingalong9386 Fri 03-Jun-16 19:54:14

And you're friends with him, why??!

Cut contact with this peanut and get on with your life, you will feel much better for it.

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 19:56:47

I always ask myself that, I'm gonna to cut him out I just have to put a few of my ducks in a row first.
Thank you both for kind responses I haven't been acting as I should and she (even if she was the other woman) doesnt deserve this treatment either.

1tsonlyme Fri 03-Jun-16 19:59:27

God love, life's to short for this. Cut contact and sort yourself out.

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 20:04:21

I will be cutting contact. I need a little time to do this but I shall.
I hope I can fight the urge to tell his girlfriend before I am able to cut him out.

maisiejones Fri 03-Jun-16 20:08:46

Why do you 'need time' to cut him out? Why can't you just do it now?

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 20:12:42

I have to organise a few things, he is involved in part of my life and I need to be able to move that on first, it's very vague but to say more would out me.

middleeasternpromise Fri 03-Jun-16 20:25:16

First you're not friends, he cheated on you with someone else and you're still in love with him so accepted any form of contact to avoid facing the end of the relationship. Secondly he's a player who probably only enjoys a relationship when it's bolstering his ego and giving him excitement through illicit risk taking. Please don't extend this dysfunctional arrangement by connecting with the third party. She is not your concern, she didn't worry about you when she got with him, she definitely isn't going to appreciate you telling her you and he are messing about. In her mind your motives will be suspect - revenge, to gloat, to break them up so you can have him back - the absolute last one she will buy is that you care about her and want to save the world's women from this awfully flawed man. If this mess doesn't give you enough motivation to walk away then carry on until it's a total car crash with everyone turning against you but if you can make a decision to take better care of yourself then please do it.

ChicRock Fri 03-Jun-16 20:30:43

I want her to know she isn't special

Neither are you.

He's mugged you off again, phone sex, urgh. You're just wank fodder.

What's that saying " fool me once...".

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 20:41:23

middle I can't say I'm still in love with him but I do have feelings for him, you are right that I shouldn't tell he she won't listen and I hope I will be able to ignore the feeling that justice will be done by telling her.

chic you speak the truth

Cabrinha Fri 03-Jun-16 21:01:22

I was about to use the phrase "wank fodder" too.
Fucksake, you're not even getting a proper fuck out of it, you're just cheap (in every sense) porn to him.

Change his name in your phone to "I am just cheap wank fodder". Then you can wind up whatever this necessary involvement is, but have a stark reminder to help you when he wants phone sex.

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 21:03:55

That's a good idea I'm going to do that thank you

Cabrinha Fri 03-Jun-16 21:06:42

You could put something kinder to yourself though! Like "Fuck This Shit" smile

Cabrinha Fri 03-Jun-16 21:07:06

(don't actually fuck that shit though!)

Daenerys2 Fri 03-Jun-16 21:09:21

I'm not judging in any way when I ask old are you? X

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 21:13:09

I think the need for kindness to myself has long since passed its time to be painfully real with myself.

I'm 27 old enough to know better

goddessofsmallthings Fri 03-Jun-16 21:24:25

I just have to put a few of my ducks in a row first

As yu're not married to this cheating tosser and you don't live with him you have no need whatsoever to put anything, let alone ducks, in a row before you block him.

You got off on the phone sex because it made you feel as if you meant something to him. You're also revelling in the feeling of being one up on his current victim gf and having some power over her in that you imagine you can bring her world crashing down by revealing what a scumbag he is, but that will also reveal what a deluded twat you are to believe that you hold the dubious status of being the ow.

It's obvious you don't want to block him because you're hoping that encouraging him to jack off on the phone will lead to more, but if you continue to carry on like this the only one who'll have need of tissues is you.

Fgs give yourself a shake and start working on your self-respect, OP, otherwise you'll become one those women who helplessly whimpers "but I love him" after being treated like shit by the undeserving objects of their affections.

1tsonlyme Fri 03-Jun-16 21:40:30

You said you need to fight telling his girl friend. I wouldn't bother you need to put your energies in to yourself not them.

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 21:45:06

goddess you're wrong you don't know my circumstances I'm not holding onto him using the excuse of getting my ducks in a row, I need to do that or I will never walk away. You are right that I need to get some self respect and yes maybe a part of me enjoyed having a one up on his current gf and that is something I need to ignore as I prepare to block him fully.

1ts yes I do need to out my energy into me right now

something2say Fri 03-Jun-16 22:12:11

Live and learn xxx
Tomorrow is a new day xxx

ExtraHotLatteToGo Fri 03-Jun-16 22:21:01

💐 line those ducks up, pronto, so you are at least free to block him, even if you don't do it straight away. It's not always easy to do what we know we should.

As for her, meh, no less than she deserves. I wouldn't gve her a second thought frankly.

Canihaveanamechange Fri 03-Jun-16 22:22:54

Thank you both, yes I'm going to speed up getting them in order and then I'm blocking him for good.

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