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Ridiculous crush

(33 Posts)
Cowscockwithonions Fri 03-Jun-16 18:23:28

Last year I came out of an emotionally abusive relationship, I ended the relationship and to say it was traumatic is an understatement, my ex dug his heels in and has been horrible to me.
Anyway, while all this was going on I developed a crush on a man (he's a single dad of a boy in my son's class) I have no idea why, our sons have been in the same class since they were 4 years old, they're now 11, and I was never attracted to him before.
He'd always smile at me, and the more I saw him, the more I liked him.
I thought, nothing ventured, nothing gained, so I sent him a valentines card (pathetic I know) , I said in it that I find him very attractive and that I'd like to get to know him, I put my number in the card, anyway, a few days later I got a text from him thanking me for the card, and saying "unfortunately I am not able to get to know you at this time".
I was ridiculously upset at this, I actually cried, which is so stupid considering the fact I don't know him, and that I've been treated like shit by my ex and never felt that upset.
The problem is, I just can't get this man out of my head, I see him now and again dropping his son off and he always smiles, which I know means he's being friendly, but I always feel stupidly elated when he smiles at me. I know he's not interested in me, and I've accepted that, so why can't I stop thinking about him? It's driving me mad.
I've tried dating other men to take my mind off him, but it just hasn't worked.
I'm feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment, and I miss feeling loved, I know I shouldn't be dating.
Im not sure if anyone can shed any light on why I'm so obsessed with this man, and why I can't stop thinking about him. I just feel so weak and pathetic.

TheNotoriousPMT Fri 03-Jun-16 18:35:25

1) Having a crush on someone makes you fairly normal, not weak and pathetic.

2) Your ex was abusive. This man, by contrast, has been nice to you for about seven years, so you're bound to feel like you can trust him. Also, you see him parenting his son well (I assume, but if he looked like a shit dad you would've said), your sons are the same age.... It would make sense that your subconscious would look at the four of you together and think "Why not?"

I think you're fine to be dating as long as you are not so vulnerable that you let unkind people take advantage of you. And I think if you meet someone who really like, this crush will evaporate overnight.

* Not a psychotherapist *

TheNotoriousPMT Fri 03-Jun-16 18:36:21

someone who you really like

notagiraffe Fri 03-Jun-16 18:39:07

I'm sure you know why. It's very safe to have a crush on someone. It's exciting without genuine risk. He's not real, in the sense that you haven't smelled his bad breath, got sick of him grunting at the TV when you ask him important questions and lain awake worrying about his uselessness with money/drink/his ex/whatever.
You had an abusive relationship and got out, so it's very natural that you'd get a crush next, as a way of protecting yourself against falling into another potentially harmful relationship. While you have a serious crush on an unavailable man, no available ones can hurt you.
When you're ready you'll lose interest in him and become attracted to someone who is free and interested in you, don't you think?

notagiraffe Fri 03-Jun-16 18:40:05

crossed with notorious

CherryPicking Fri 03-Jun-16 18:40:21

I really wouldn't waste any more time on him. His response was pretty blunt. Something like "I'd like to get to know you as a friend but I'm not interested in a relationship" would have exhibited more kindness and regard for you as a fellow human being. That you're still thinking of him after a pretty brutal rejection probably says a lot about your self esteem right now. I'd concentrate on doing things that build you up and give you a sense of your own worth so you can walk away from blunt, uncaring people without a second thought. Also, therapy could be good. Sorry if this sounds blunt but I've been there and it's taken me a long time to realise I'm worth more.

Cowscockwithonions Fri 03-Jun-16 18:43:01

Thank you notorious for your reply, he is clearly a good dad, and is a nice man, unfortunately he just doesn't want me sad.
I have 3 other children, I wonder whether he was put off by that, I don't know, he didn't really give a reason for not wanting me, it could be any number of things, he may not fancy me sad , I know he works alot, so it may be that he's too busy, either way, I feel so sad that he doesn't want me

Cowscockwithonions Fri 03-Jun-16 18:47:44

Thank you cherry, I know he had every right to say that he wasnt interested, but it hurt when he responded so bluntly.
Notagiraffe, I wish I could lose interest in him, there is other men that I've kind of been interested in, but they aren't him sad

Cowscockwithonions Fri 03-Jun-16 20:35:58


Unicow Fri 03-Jun-16 20:46:05

I read the reply and thought that he already has a relationship. It reads very politely like a gentle let down. This experience shows that you can feel that tingly giddy feeling. Go find someone else who can give you that. Good luck.

AutumnRose1988 Fri 03-Jun-16 21:43:09

Reply reads like he is already seeing someone hence the "at this time".

When someone rejects you (in a none nasty sort of way) it can make you pine for them even more. In my opinion you need to show him what he is missing. Treat yourself to a few new clothes, get your hair done and feel great in your own skin and perhaps not meeting his gaze to exchange smiles as often might intrigue him xx

wherearemymarbles Fri 03-Jun-16 21:53:36

Try not to take it personally

1. Maybe he has a girlfriend
2. Maybe he has a boyfriend which is why he appears single
3. Maybe he just isnt really interested in a relationship with anyone.

PestilentialCat Fri 03-Jun-16 21:57:56

Did he know it was you who sent the card?

Cowscockwithonions Fri 03-Jun-16 22:57:18

I know for sure that he's single, and he knows it was me who sent the card.
He works alot, so I dunno, maybe he's just too busy for a relationship, maybe he doesn't want a relationship, maybe I'm just not his type, who knows, I just hate not knowing why he doesn't want me, I know I'm not ugly, but him turning me down has had a massive impact for some unknown reason.
I feel ridiculous, and have tried to convince myself that i don't care, and that rejection is part of life, but I just can't seem to get him out of my head

AutumnRose1988 Sat 04-Jun-16 08:46:02

Awww I know it's an absolutely awful feeling and we have all been there but you really need to do your best to start loving yourself a bit more and to fight through the upset feelings and shake it off and move on.

This is not meant in a nasty way, this is from life experience - don't ponder over why a man doesn't want to date you if he is single. I think it's a case of 'he is just not that into you'. Guys don't not date girls they are attracted to because of work etc. IMO he's just not interested and that has absolutely no bearing on what an amazing, attractive person you are! We all have these set backs and disappointments and at a particularly vulnerable time they can really sting but pondering over whether he's not interested because of work etc isn't going to help the healing process. Like I said, pamper yourself and get to liking yourself and perhaps if he is single he might notice if you are a little bit more aloof and not so eager to exchange smiles etc.

AddToBasket Sat 04-Jun-16 09:14:11

Yeah, I think you do need to pull back from the smiles, etc. Not to the point of rudeness, of course, but you may seem like a bit of a vulnerable puppy smile. TBH, it does sound a case of "not that into you'. Horrible, I know - we have all been there.

Thinking about him sounds as though it has become a bit of a habit. A comfortable fantasy. You can't get it out of your head because it's perfect - you've made it that way.

I think you need to sleep with someone else.

AutumnRose1988 Sat 04-Jun-16 09:47:14

Reading addtobaskets advice I was like yes, yes, yes completely agree and then nearly spat my toast out at her closing comment hehe. Straight and to the point lol grin

She is right though OP, if life's a little mundane and you've had a bit of excitement with a crush you see on the daily then it can becoming habitual. It's like a happy place you can go when the kids are playing up or you are pegging out the washing but imagine how amazing it will feel next time when things start to develop over and above a crush???

PreciousVagine Sat 04-Jun-16 09:54:36

I think this is more about your emotions at the time of leaving your ex than this man in particular. You were going through a tough time and needed something to daydream about and feel happy about like an emotional escape. That's this crush. Getting told that happy daydream can't happen has shaken you up more than a crush normally would because it's helped you get through a tough time.

frieda909 Sat 04-Jun-16 10:01:42

I threw myself into dating pretty quickly after breaking up with my abusive ex. At first I found myself getting completely obsessed with pretty much every guy I went on a date with. I look back on some of them now and think '...what was I thinking?!' I seriously think they could have been absolutely anyone and I still would have been (temporarily) besotted!

There was one guy in particular who I kind of went full bunny-boiler with, convinced myself he was my future husband blush and got so wrapped up in it that I couldn't see he was actually a textbook player who, sure enough, dropped me as soon as I slept with him. Classic, huh? At the time it really hurt, but now I look back and I have no idea what I even liked about him. I barely knew him and he wasn't even that good looking. But it was the first time I'd been showered with affection and made to feel special in so long. That had been missing from my life for years and years, and getting that taste of it kind of sent me flying off into fantasy land!

I think that's maybe why this rejection has hit you so hard. And rejection is never nice even at the best of times. After everything you've been through, perhaps you are craving some affection and nice treatment, and you can see in this man something that you've been missing for a long time. Be kind to yourself, don't be angry at yourself for feeling this way, but try to remember that this WILL pass and one day you'll wake up wondering why you were ever so obsessed with him!

Cowscockwithonions Sat 04-Jun-16 10:10:15

I've tried sleeping with someone wink it work.
I know he's just not that into me, and that thought makes me feel sick.
Precious is right, he was my escape through the tough times, and for him to turn round and say he's not interested is awful.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not deluded, a part of me knows I'm just being silly, and that I'll get over him, but at the moment I'm hurting, and need him out of my head.
I'm not going to bother smiling at him anymore, what's the point?

Cowscockwithonions Sat 04-Jun-16 10:10:39

*it didn't work

VocationalGoat Sat 04-Jun-16 10:13:04

Roll on secondary school. You need distance. Crushes can get a bit obsessive and this one has sort of taken you over. I've been there, years ago after dealing with a difficult divorce and the subsequent abusive sh*t my ex hurled in my direction.

I think you'll find it easier when you're no longer seeing this dad at the school gates. It doesn't matter why he's not available. Don't tie yourself in knots wondering because the outcome, regardless of his reasons, will remain as it is.

Rejection, when you're down, is the kick in the teeth you don't need. You just need time to build yourself back up and regain confidence. I had a similar experience years ago when DC1 was little and I was a lone parent. I started a new job not long after. For me that was healing.

GloriaGaynor Sat 04-Jun-16 10:18:42

I think the whole experience is sign that you're really not over the emotional trauma of your previous relationship and you need some time out of relationships to recover. It's very easy to get addicted and unrealistic about people when you're vulnerable.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

AutumnRose1988 Sat 04-Jun-16 10:57:15

OP...I'm sorry...but woman up a bit Hun! I know you can't read our advice and instantly feel better but you have said the rejection is awful and you have said that it hurts...we know this because that's why we are offering advice and we have all been there!

In reality it sounds as though there's not that much to actually get over apart from what you have built up and the hopes you have in your head. It sounds as though you are heartbroken over a man you only know at face value. Have you had a conversation? Shared a joke? Consider each other friends/acquaintances? If not then you need to ask yourself what the root of the problem actually is and perhaps a bit of counselling might help?? It really can help with habitual thought patterns and low self esteem. You need to ask yourself whether there's a genuine connection or whether you needed some joy in your life that much that you have pushed it all on to this random guy?

HarmlessChap Sat 04-Jun-16 16:05:19

I don't like his response at all. By saying "at this time" he's kind of leaving the door open for the future so either he's involved or it would be awkward at present but its not right to respond that way IMO

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