How do I get him out?

[finallyseenthelight]

Have been with my DH for years (married for 5, although split for just over a year some time ago, then got back together). Recently I had a breakdown and was drinking heavily (for me - bottle of wine most nights), and went to see a counsellor. Those sessions were a turning point for me, and the scales just fell from my eyes. I realised he's been emotionally abusing me for years, and I had lost all belief in myself about what was right and what was wrong. My friends and family all sighed with cautious relief at my sudden realisation, as you can imagine. My oldest son was just about to start his GCSEs, so I made the decision I would wait until he'd finished his exams before speaking to DH about divorce/him moving out. That was about 2 months ago. In the meantime my realisation has allowed me to mostly disengage from him and his little mind games, to the point where I try to ignore most things he does. And mostly I am successful, although every now and then I rise to one of his tactics (and then kick myself). Problem is, he's not stupid, and the more I ignore him the more withdrawn he has become. He is now on day 8 of not going to work, and he's not seen the GP to be signed off either. If I try to speak to him about it I just get pissed off with him and allow myself to be drawn in to our usual dance, and I don't want to do that. Part of me doesn't care if he gets the sack, but only once he's moved out. For him to get the sack before that happens will be a disaster, because it will be hard enough to get him out anyway.

This is the first time I've ever posted on MN - have been reading for ages, and actually, there have been several articles I've accessed through here that have helped me see the light about my relationship with this man. I don't want to get accused of drip feeding, so this is the reality of living with him: first and foremost he's a drug addict (weed - smokes it from the moment he gets up until the moment he goes to bed). We used to do it together in our 20s, but I gave up when we had kids and he never has. It was a massive part of why we split up last time, but he told me he'd given up and I believe him and let him back in to my life. He started doing it occasionally, and it became more and more frequent, but by that time I was being gaslighted left, right and centre and felt unable to get myself out of the situation (always kidding myself - and believing his promises - that things would improve). He stinks the house out, won't go outside, even though the kids are in here. He stays up most of the night, gets up really late, barely does anything round the house, is tight with his money (we have separate bank accounts - he gives me a set amount every month, then spends the rest on himself, while I absorb any extras), he takes really strong medication which makes him even dopier than smoking weed constantly - it's supposed to be for depression and anxiety, but I don't think it helps one little bit, he doesn't get involved with DS2 (11) - I do all the activities. He involves DS1 (15) in things, crying on his shoulder, which I abhor. Consequently DS1 is petrified of his dad being upset, and until recently would actually tell me to just let him get on with things (he has since told me he's sorry he always took his dad's side, as he can see things aren't quite what he thought - and that was unprompted by me). The house is falling down round our ears - he never does any work on it, nor is he willing to sacrifice his drugs money to invest in it. He's also a nightmare on holiday - won't help with the driving, complains and gets stressed for about 3 days before he settles down. God, when I read this back I would be asking why anyone would stay with this kind of shit! If you read the narcissistic relationship cycle (particularly the first bit), and mix in gas lighting, Stockholm syndrome, and probably other things, you might begin to understand. Clearly he's not the only one with issues, and I know that before I ever even think of another relationship there is more work I need to do on myself.

I've contacted a few solicitors, but they are so expensive, and I'm not sure what I even want to say to one. I am willing to pay of course, but want to make sure I'm going to use my money in the best possible way. I don't know where to start about his shenanigans with being off work. I'm finding it hard to remain biting my tongue until mid-June, which is when the exams end (if I thought he wouldn't involve DS1 in this I'd say something, but he absolutely will, and DS1 has enough stress on his plate). Where do I start? I want him to go - the house is in our joint names, but I'm the only one who's ever spent any money on it. I could put it on the market, but I'd be ashamed to let an estate agent in to value, let alone prospective buyers, as it is so run down.

Sorry this is so long! Been thinking about doing this for a while, but day 8 of being off sick has prompted me into action.

[EarthboundMisfit]

It sounds a complex situation. He sounds pretty seriously depressed...not fun to live with at all.

[KatieDesperado]

No advice, but your situation sounds so much like mine that I had to offer support. H smokes weed, doesn't contribute to the family either financially or emotionally and our house is falling down around our ears. Can't address things until DD's GCSEs finish. I too have realised that the man who I thought was lovely is actually bordering on EA. I've also realised that I've set my bar way too low in relationships and enable his behaviour.

The idea of having someone value our home also sparks panic in me. Been thinking about how to proceed for months now, but still not sure how it will actually all work out in practice.

Hope you manage to hang on - I've got 2 July as D Day - exams and prom over. My tongue is well and truly bitten.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Gosh I don't even know where to start and I'm on the outside looking in.
The middle of June isn't that far away so that's one good thing.
Could you get a free half hour with a couple of solicitors in your area?
Quite a few do this.
I would get an estate agent round.
A lot of people want a house to do up.
I know we did. We looked at all sorts.
Ended up with one that was actually quite nice but we still need to do a lot.
Many people can see past the initial stuff. Many can't as well!
But maybe get one or two round to give a valuation.
They've seen worse - believe me!!!

Do you earn quite well?
Would you be entitled to any benefits, tax credits etc....?
Maybe have a chat with CAB if this is the case.

If you've been EA for years then a call to Womens Aid would certainly help.
They may also be able to point you in the direction of local solicitors who specialise in dealing with abusive assholes!

It is certainly not an easy situation so just start looking at things one at a time and see what can be done.

He sounds pretty seriously depressed
Yep - continually smoking weed will do that to ya!

[finallyseenthelight]

Thank you both for responding. It is indeed a nightmare to live with - for all of us. And KatieDesperado, I'm really sorry you are in such a similar situation. I hadn't even thought about the prom

[finallyseenthelight]

Thanks Hellsbells. I've thought about Womens Aid, but I always talk myself out it. It's still hard for me to admit to myself that this is abuse (although the more I read about it, the more I see it is). I'm not sure about benefits - I think I can just about afford to keep it all going myself if we cut back on things. Good advice about unpicking it and looking at one thing at a time.

[KatieDesperado]

Good advice on getting the free half hour advice with a couple of solicitors Hellsbells - I hadn't thought of that and was busy trying to think which one I would go to.

finally I hadn't thought about prom either until someone else in a similar situation mentioned it on here and I realised that I had better wait for that to be done too. Just hope that I have the courage to do it and don't back down.

[finallyseenthelight]

Katie, I have been at the point of walking away so many times, and he's promised to 'try harder', stop smoking, do the things I want to do (like going out, on holiday, garden, house etc etc). I've believed him every time, and convinced myself I can live like this...until the next time. But this time is different. Even last time we split up I didn't feel quite as sure. There is nothing he can say or do that will change my mind now.

Have you read the thread about Abuser Profiles? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles
The Victim, The Demand Man and the mentally ill and addicted abuser. All rolled in to one delightful package As DS1 has got older I've really seen the effect living with H has had on him, and DS2 seems really ambivalent about him, which isn't right either.

[ImperialBlether]

As soon as threads like this mention the fact the guy is smoking weed my heart sinks. You need to get him out, don't you?

Have a look at this calculator - you might be pleasantly surprised at what you're entitled to.

Have a look at the CSA (or whatever it's called now) site and see what he'd have to give you.

Go to his doctor and talk to him/her about a sick note for the time being. It's likely he's already lost some money due to not having one.

I think you'll find your children are really relieved if he does go, obviously as long as they know he's safe. He's making your elder child the parent, isn't he? That is so wrong.

[clarrrp]

If you don't earn a lot then you might get legal aid - call and ask, your solicitor can provide you with a form to fill in.

Personally I would just tell him clearly and calmly that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him and then give him a date to move out by. Don't get angry about it, just be calm and straightforward.

I would also contact women's aid, as mentioned, and talk to your kids school and let them know that you are going though a breakup and so the kids behaviour might change and you would appreciat being told of any out of character things or issues that might come up at school - Ihave to say my daughters school were awesome when i was getting divorced in that aspect.

Failing that, wait until he goes out to meet his dealer and set his clothes on fire on the lawn.

[KatieDesperado]

finally I took a look at the abuser profiles and my H does seem somewhere between Demand Man (he is massively entitled) and mentally ill/addicted (he's struggled with depression and anger issues in the past - not so bad now).

I've contemplated leaving several times over the last 26 years (good Lord!) and I've also asked him if he's really happy (as he is so often miserable and leads an almost separate life) and would prefer us to split. He always says no. This time, like you, I'm more determined. Our daughter is older and I feel she will understand. In addition, I've recently calculated exactly how much money he has spent on himself in the past year whilst I've been worrying myself so much that I've lost sleep and weight - I'm incredulous as it runs into thousands. He knows how much I've worried and despite being told, he has not stepped up and contributed. His financial contribution to the family is whatever is left after he has paid for his weed and beer - something he has recognised as unfair, but which he doesn't address.

Our DD has been affected too - she's very sensitive and his occasional mood swings make her anxious. She won't go out with him often as in the past he has taken offence at something someone has done (eg their dog snapped at ours) and he will make a scene, being verbally aggressive. She worries about him, but his general misery and bad tempers also winds her up and she sometimes tells me that she wishes he would sod off. Having said that, I felt much the same about my dad and he most definitely never smoked!

I'm not too worried about money if he goes - he has paid so little that it will make no difference. In fact, I will be better off since I won't be paying to feed him.