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Don't know what to do..

(16 Posts)
MoonlightPicnic Fri 03-Jun-16 09:09:04

My DW of four years has a large amount of unsecured debt (now on debt management plan). Over the years I’ve carried virtually all the household costs on my own back and consequently ended up in severely indebted situation myself (also now on a debt management plan). Throughout the six years we have been living together DW has been earning a fair wage, but is now since DS was born just over two years ago working part time (earning about £800 month). DW frequently works out of the country on weekends so I care solely for our little one on Saturday/Sunday and most of Monday and then work 40 hours plus commute between Tuesday and Friday.
I’ve tried talking to her about this, but get silenced by her retort, including her threatening to not let me have access to my DS if we split.
My main beef is as follows
The main reason cited by DW for not contributing is that she has been paying for a share of a stable block (about 10 acres) over the last thirteen years. This is a very informal arrangement DW’s sister took out a mortgage for the property which is spread three ways namely DW’s Mum, DW and her Sister. Mum and DW pay sister cash without any documentation.
Then a few months back the bank wanted to call in the mortgage, so Sisters husband had to take out a new loan with a new loan provider.
Somehow, and details are very scarce, DW and her Mum are now off the deeds to the property and the payment to her sister continues. I knew absolutely nothing about this (and always get told by DW that anything to do with the stables is none of my business! This is despite paying her share of the household so she can make the payments).
To be honest we are really (as in desperate) need of the money now to rent a bigger place as DS is pretty energetic so DW contributing the stables money would be a massive help should the property be sold. Sister or Mum haven’t the cash to buy DW out and as it is Sister has about 90% of the horses stabled at the yard so she’s entrenched her perceived ownership of the place.
I’ve been told that she’ll divorce me if I talk to her Sister/Husband about this.
I also got told recently that” I was more use dead” although she said she only meant it at the time and also that “she hopped that my son wouldn’t grow up to be like me”. I’m not one for boasting but I(or those who know me) would say I was a good, kind, supportive husband with a strong work ethic.
I’m not at all sure what to do. She’s a good mum, but this is really getting me down. Any advice would be lovely.

justwantaquietlifeplease Fri 03-Jun-16 10:15:39

You sound very passive in all of this. It seems to be all about what DW wants. Are you happy in your marriage? I can't see how you can be given what you have described. Your DW doesn't seem to have much respect for you and says very cruel things which must be hurtful. I think you ought to cut your losses and leave the marriage.

Her threats regarding access to your DS are worthless. There is no way she can prevent access when you can demonstrate your history of actively caring for you son. In fact, I think you would have a very good case for 50:50 residency, if that's what you wanted.

As for the debts then I think you are in a difficult position. All debts will be considered as joint marital debts. In a fair world you would be entitled to a share of the equity in the stables, however as your DW is no longer on the deeds or mortgage, then I think you are also going to have a job to prove your financial contribution over the years. You need legal advice on this and the debt, but I think cutting your losses and walking away and starting again would be the best thing for you in the long run.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Jun-16 11:13:24

Well she sounds delightful!
You need to understand where her money is going.
It's not benefiting any of you so it needs to be a cost that is looked at and cut out if possible.
Don't put up with her bullshit excuses and refusal to talk about it.
Go to your SIL and her DH if necessary.
So she divorces you!?
Sounds like it might be a good thing.
She can't withhold access of your DS.
She can threaten it but legally it's not OK and you can take her to court over it.
I honestly cannot stand women that pull this trick.
It's sick and feckin' down right awful and shows them up for who they really are.
A nasty vindictive bitch!
Sorry but that's how I see it.

MoonlightPicnic Fri 03-Jun-16 14:50:56

Thank you for your good advice. I'm considering leaving, but keep thinking of my lovely DS. Perhaps I need to be more firm and so how she shapes up. She can be kind and fun, but I can't see why she's being so selfish. I get most annoyed as to how SIL has absolute power and DW (and her Mum)would rather stick her head in the sand then rock the boat. This is DS's inheritance FGS.

picklypopcorn Fri 03-Jun-16 15:06:42

Are you sure the money is going where she says it is? It's a completely weird situation that she would be paying for a stable she has no claim to?

Why did the bank call in the mortgage? Did they lie on the application? Did she sell it without the banks knowledge? Did it burn down?

None of this rings even slightly true, I think your DW is hiding something from you and this cash is going somewhere else, hence why she won't let you speak to the rellies about it.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Jun-16 15:10:06

Well if you do leave she'll have to sort it out.
How else will she survive?
You will have to give child support and if you want to keep a stake in the house then you'll have to pay at least half the mortgage (if she is going to be resident carer) but she'll have to do the rest.
She can't do that if she's handing over all her money to her Sis.
Maybe put that to her.
Let her see the reality of not talking about it.
Let her threat hang in the air and tell her that it's OK to want to divorce and you'll try to make it as easy as possible for her.
She will panic then!
But you have to do something.
Family money is family money. You and DS are her family now and that is where her money should be going.

alvinp Fri 03-Jun-16 19:17:28

Sounds like a horrendous situation. Like Popcorn says, it doesn't add up. Could she have a spending habit and this is just cover? If you're going backwards financially then at some point it will become untenable, you owe your DS some stability which you may be better placed to provide out if the relationship. Get some legal advice.

icedcherrytea Sat 04-Jun-16 01:40:03

Blimey. Nothing is transparent is it. She gets angry and threats when you bring the subject up. Call her bluff. I would be very suspicious that there are things she does not want you to know.

icedcherrytea Sat 04-Jun-16 01:44:42

I would do some digging about. Would a bank call the mortgage in if payments were missed or if they had lent on false information? Are you sure your name isn't mentioned on the stable mortgage.

Being told your better off dead is low and shows that she is plainly with you for financial benefit only.

You hold the cards here op.

MoonlightPicnic Tue 14-Jun-16 23:05:49

Well I tried to talk to her re the stables as I had a punishing MOT bill, She said if I didn;t stop going on about it she'd slit her wrists (or words to the effect). She then went to the kitchen and started waving a large knife about. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't hurt herself or me nut it wasn't a nice experience.

Christ I feel shitty... I don't want her to go off with my DS to some shitty area to live. I'm scared.

springydaffs Wed 15-Jun-16 00:36:20

This sounds like an abusive relationship.

Perhaps research abuse in relationships op.

Is a desperate situation - she is bleeding you dry! She is forcing you to not only fund her life but you aren't even allowed to talk about the dire financial straits she has forced on you.

It sounds like you do a large part of the childcare - in which case you can legally expect equal custody of your boy if you split.

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation. Do research domestic abuse. Also speak to a lawyer /s (first half hour free - talk to a few) to get an idea where you stand legally and financially should you split. Also what you can expect re custody.

MoonlightPicnic Wed 15-Jun-16 08:38:40

Thank you everyone. It's lovely to be supported in this way smile

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jun-16 09:05:20

Wow - that's proper manipulation, emotional blackmail and controlling behaviour from her.
You need out of this now.
That's abuse and you shouldn't have to live with it.
More importantly, neither should your DS!!
If she threatens that again then call the police.
Look into some male domestic abuse support services.
mens advice line

tornandhurt Wed 15-Jun-16 09:17:06

I really do feel for you op. As others have said though, this just isn't sitting right. She's certainly keeping something from you.

Personally I'd approach the sister and husband and just ask what the situation is with the stables and see what they're reaction is. Don't go in all guns blazing as I strongly suspect that either the money is going elsewhere, or if it is going to the sister its for something else entirely (maybe she borrowed money from them when she got into debt??)

Without speaking to them, I don't see anything changing.

springydaffs Wed 15-Jun-16 15:46:17

You might like to take a look at the new 'coercive control ' law that has recently been passed. Also take a look at financial abuse.

Gazelda Wed 15-Jun-16 16:10:27

If DW is on a debt management plan, how is she able to siphon off cash payment to her sister? It's really not adding up.

Can you talk to the Sister's husband to get some facts? It might be a slightly less incendiary approach.

But I agree with other posters that a call to an advice line would be a good idea for you. Your posts read as though you feel powerless, some support and practical advice would do you the world of good.

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