Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice needed on relationship

(28 Posts)
medondons Fri 03-Jun-16 02:50:09

Help me please as I am going out of my mind.

To give you some background. Married two teenage children. I lied to husband over finances. I took out loans without him knowing. I had a shopping addiction, which I now believe is under control. I know this was wrong. I have done everything in my power over the last two years to put this right and prove to husband that I am a different person and have a completely different attitude to money than I have in the past. I have been open and honest about everything.

I know what I have done is wrong and I am not excusing it and I can understand my husband being upset and to have lost his trust in me. But I have been hoping that my actions would at least help to prove to him that I am changed women now. We haven't slept together for over a year either. He has shown me little affection since the truth about my lying came out.

Well 13 weeks ago, he left me. I came home from work to find a letter outlining all I had done. He had already arranged somewhere else to live and was gone. We were all devastated.

We agreed to meet up and talk about things as he said that he still loved me. He agreed to give himself 2 weeks to sort his head out and come back. I said to give himself more time if necessary and in the end we agreed to three weeks.

The three weeks past and he came home to tell me he was not ready and could he have a bit longer. I agreed and we agreed to 10 more days. Before the 10 days were up, he emailed to say he couldn't go through with it and he was not coming back. Again me and the children were distraught and devastated.

We met up again and he decided that he did want us and that he would come home towards the end of April. You can guess what happened, another email but this one was not as bad. He said that he was coming back, but that he couldn't do it today, and could I give him more time.

Again we were distraught, my two children and I were in pieces, but I agreed and they agreed that they wanted their dad home and to give him more time.

That was 6 weeks ago now and he is still not home and although he keeps on telling us that he loves us and that he is coming home. He has still failed to do this.

We have had three rejections now and I am not sure I can wait for a forth.

What is really bringing this to a head now is the fact that it's my birthday this week and I really want him home by then. He knows this, but still wont commit to it. He is coming over tomorrow to buy my presents with the kids, but still won't commit to coming to live back at the family home.

All of this time me and the kids have not told a soul about the separation. I have lied to my parents, my family, my friends and colleagues and I am not sure I can take much more. I just want him to put an end to all f this and come home. The bottom line is that I love him and the kids love him too. He told me only on the phone this evening and in text messages during the day that this was the case.

So I need some advice:

Do I wait for him to come back to us and give him the time he needs?


Do I issue him with an ultimatum and say, be back by such and such a time or I will end it?


Do I just end it now?

I can't believe that I am in this nightmare and I am tired, anxious and depressed.

Thanks in advance xxxx

medondons Fri 03-Jun-16 02:54:05

He told me only on the phone this evening and in text messages during the day that this was the case.

He told me on the phone this evening and in text messages that he loves me too.....

seven201 Fri 03-Jun-16 03:15:02

Oh gosh this is tricky! If you can bear to I think you should give him more time. But... You really need to tell someone for support. Pick a trust worthy friend and just tell them! It's not fair on the kids to expect them to lie either. Also, has he told anyone? He probably needs someone to talk to himself. I can see why he needed space and it doesn't sound like he's being intentionally mean but it must be so horrible for you and the kids. Does he not feel guilty about the kids having to lie? I know this is completely different but when my mum was dying she made us (husband and daughters) keep it from her mother (my gran) for ages and it really really kissed me off and in the end we had to go against her wishes. I'm just saying that as you possibly don't appreciate the position your kids are in. Don't be ashamed, everyone fucks up sometimes so maybe you should just come clean to family. That might help dh see how seriously you take it etc. too.

seven201 Fri 03-Jun-16 03:15:54

* pissed not kissed!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Jun-16 08:48:46

I would tell him not to come home.
That he can stay away and you will be telling friends and family as you need some loving support.
That this is too much rejection for you and the DC and you aren't prepared to put up with it anymore.
He comes home today if he wants to otherwise, it's over.
Why is he getting to make all the decisions now?
This is not fair on your DC. He's messing with their heads, and yours too.
Protect them.
Today or fuck off!!!
Then go forward with your life knowing you have taken control.

FetchezLaVache Fri 03-Jun-16 08:55:22

The last option. I don't believe this is necessarily about the shopping addiction and the loans- if I've understood this correctly, that came out two years ago, so why now? I just think it's a stick to beat you with.

How dare he mess you and your children about like that? Yes, you did a bad thing, but that doesn't mean you have no right to object to any mistreatment of you, ever again.

Have you considered the possibility that there might be another woman?

AnotherEmma Fri 03-Jun-16 08:59:56

I think it's over and he is being weak and/or cruel by stringing you along.

I think you should tell him it's over and get yourself some counselling.


kerbys Fri 03-Jun-16 09:03:03

I too think there is something or someone else going on.

NerrSnerr Fri 03-Jun-16 09:04:52

I think it's over but he doesn't have the guts to finish it properly.

Obliviated Fri 03-Jun-16 09:07:55

I think you should both stop telling the kids that he might be coming home and then having to tell them again that he's not. They shouldn't have to keep it a secret either, they should be able to access support from people. It's totally unfair to them. He's a twat, and the situation is awful, but treating the kids this way is really bad behaviour from you both.

Absinthe9 Fri 03-Jun-16 09:17:52

FWIW the inability to man up and say it is over (whilst stringing your family along in a way which is actually far crueller) seems to be a common male way of exiting a relationship. My ExH did this (for 18 months before I finally snapped and ended it) as did several other blokes I know.

I'm sorry, but I think the relationship is over and you need to start telling people and looking after yourself and the DC. Go and get legal advice asap.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Fri 03-Jun-16 09:18:50

You absolutely need to put a stop to this or, at the very least, the secrecy. That is awful to do that to your DCs. The school should know and gps etc so they can get support, they must really be struggling. You too.

Your DH's behaviour is not acceptable at all, he's had ample time and however difficult it might be he is now taking the piss and it's up to you to put a stop to it. I know you don't want to risk pushing him away but allowing this bullshit will wreck your self esteem and sense of dignity. He decides now or it's over, as hard as that sounds if he does love you he won't want to lose you and will be back like a shot, if not then at least you know and you're not being strung along anymore.

CrazyDuchess Fri 03-Jun-16 09:25:58

I agree with the others - you need to draw a line under this now, all this uncertainty is not good for you or your kids.

End it now.

It's very cruel to keep stringing you along like this, save some heartache and take control of this situation.

It's really crappy! So good luck xxx

medondons Fri 03-Jun-16 11:56:03

Thank you for all your messages, you are very kind to take the time to reply to me. I very much appreciate it.

I am really worried about the future as I am scared of saying to him to 'go' but I know this is not doing my mental health any favours or that of our children. So I need to do something, I cannot languish in this hell for much longer.

He came over this morning to take the children out to buy my birthday presents and I am sat here weighing up my next move.

When I am here in my own, I feel brave and think I will tell him to go the hell. However when he walks through the door it's a different story and I don't know why I can't stay strong. This is so unlike me, in my professional life I am strong women, working in a male dominated environment in a senior role. How it is that my husband can make me feel so weak, worthless and feeble?

I am ashamed to have a failed marriage, but know that I deserve to feel happy and loved as well. I know that I owe it to my children to feel settled.

So I guess I need to do something and your posts have made me appreciate that.

I will keep you posted and thank you once again xxxx

SloppyDailyMailJournalism Fri 03-Jun-16 12:15:08

I don't think he is being cruel - I think he is struggling with his emotions and unsure what to do. Have you had marriage counselling or individual counselling of any sort. It was a big betrayal. If this was a thread about a man who had lied, replies would be saying that the onus is on the woman to be patient.

EarthboundMisfit Fri 03-Jun-16 12:37:11

I seriously hope that you haven't used this 'rejected US' language to your DC. It's you he has the issue with.

Jan45 Fri 03-Jun-16 16:58:26

Enough is enough, he is playing you like a fool, regardless of what bad things you did in the past, what he is doing is actually pre meditated cruelty, I suspect he has OW and is seeing how that pans out before he commits anything to you - how bloody charming, not!

He's had plenty time OP, take his undecidedness as meaning he is not coming back, he'd have been back before now otherwise, he's obviously enjoying his new found freedom, you are making yourself look very pityfull in his eyes and your children's, it's time to stand up and take back your self respect and tell him to do one, you may find once he sees that you are not lady lost without him he may actually realise what HE stands to lose!

Resilience16 Fri 03-Jun-16 17:31:04

I sorry you are in this horrible situation, being in limbo is hard I know.
The bottom line is that if your husband wanted to be with you, he would be. I think there us a good chance there is someone else in the scene (which would also explain the lack of sex for the last year).
I can understand your husband being upset by the lying and debt caused by your shopping addiction. I do hope you sought professional support to help you tackle the causes of that addiction. I don't think it is fair of your husband to use your addiction as a stick to punish you with tho.
You two need to seriously talk as the current situation isn't fair on you or your kids, particularly your kids.
You need to ask him outright if he wants to try and make the relationship work. You also need to ask if he is seeing someone else. You then need to decide what is best for you and the kids.
Good luck x

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Sat 04-Jun-16 11:34:59

sloppydailymail it sounds as though the OP has been patient though and really worked at things over the past couple of years and been transparent etc. If for whatever reason he just can't get over it two years down the line with her doing everything she can to make things work, there's no points stringing it out is there? At a certain point that does become cruel and I think the OP's husband has passed that point.

bluecashmere Sat 04-Jun-16 12:19:18

What a terrible situation to be in. It must be unbearable to be in limbo every day just waiting for him to make up his mind.

I agree with the other posts. You can't keep this a secret, particularly for the sake of dc.

Easier said than done but just take control and end it now, and get as much support as possible from those around you.

category12 Sat 04-Jun-16 12:33:46

I think you should stop talking in terms of him "coming back to us" - he will always be the dc's father. Try to keep the dc out of the he's coming back/he's not drama, not raising their hopes and it coming to nothing. You need to be strong on this for them. Arrange for them to have contact as if you're divorced, and keep things at home stable. Manage your relationship with him separately.

medondons Sat 04-Jun-16 20:32:33

Agree that I don't really mean 'coming back to us' in the true sense of that statement. I know the issues lie with me and my betrayal of trust in the past and that the children have done nothing wrong.

If we did end up separating - I would never stop the children from seeing their dad and I would always be accommodating to him. I am not like that, especially when I am the one in the wrong.

We did have a really long chat yesterday and although I did not give him a true ultimatum. I did make it very clear that his dilly and dallying was not fair on me or on the children or in fact on him. He agreed that his behaviour has not been helpful and he was sorry for upsetting us all.

I broached the subject of another women and he promised me that there has never been anyone else and I believed him. He is man of high morals, so I am hope I was right to believe him.

So although I don't have a date, he has promised me that he is definitely coming back and that it would be soon. Maybe I am a muppet to accept this, but I am living in hope. He said that he would give me a date next weekend? Let's hope he sticks to this. We also had a family chat where he apologised to the children and explained to them that he still was intending to come home as he misses them and loves them very much indeed. He said to them that he also loved me too. He tells me he still loves me every time he sees me.

Knowing him as I do, we have been married for 20 years, I know he does not cope with being 'forced' or 'coerced' into doing something and he has to make up his own mind. So I am hoping that this is the case yet again and that I am not being taking for a ride and it will all end up in tears again.

So thank you all vey much for your advice and support. I will keep you posted and I am hoping it is good news?

For what it's worth, he has texted me more than ever today and all the texts have been friendly and positive and he has just phoned also and the phone call was really pleasant.

Fingers crossed hey hmmconfusedsmile

Gide Sat 04-Jun-16 20:49:24

I fail to see why he keeps delaying. To me, this does not sound like it is going to end well. Where is he staying? If he won't commit to coming back, stop asking, it's pointless. Whilst he may be upset with your behaviour, that was two years ago no although the debt may still be impacting, I don't see the point of him now deciding to go.

In all seriousness, OP, you have the right to support, so tell whomever you choose and get some help.

medondons Sat 04-Jun-16 21:49:44

Oh Gide - what you're saying makes total sense, why is he delaying? And more to the point why am I letting him?

I am due to see him tomorrow, so will ask him that very same question. I need to know and so do the children. Can't believe I am bent such a doormat.

Yes misdemeanours were two years ago and debt is now pretty much paid off. Have been much more in control of money and have even got savings now too. This would have been unheard of in the past. I really am a changed women with regards to how I view our finances.

For those of you who have asked. He is renting a room from a work colleague.

whirlygirly Sat 04-Jun-16 22:11:09

This is just odd. He's definitely messing you about for some reason.

Even if he did come back tomorrow, would you feel secure then? Xh did a similar thing with me and it was the most damaging hit to my self esteem I've ever had. It was a horrible feeling of limbo. A massive relief when I eventually snapped and called time on it all.

For your wellbeing, I'd be tempted to bring this to a head sooner rather then later. If he's not sure how he feels after 20 years of marriage I'm not sure what else you can do. Don't fall into the trap of trying to be a perfect wife to come home to, it's a horrid, unsustainable way to live.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now