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Am I selfish to expect DP to spend time with me after operation?

(50 Posts)
HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 00:03:21

I had extensive abdominal surgery last Friday, and came out of hospital on Sunday. My DP took Mon & Tues off work to look after me, and since then my Mum has been helping out.

DP works Saturdays, but has next Sunday and Monday off. So he's just announced that he wants to go and do his hobby next Sunday dependent on how well I am. If I still need care, he'll stay home and care for me, but if I'm well enough to be left alone, he'll go out for the day.

I got upset ,and said that he's basically saying he'll be with me if he has to, but if he doesn't have to, he's off. I said that I'm home alone all day every day from now on, and it would have been nice for him to want to be with me to cheer me up. He said "don't expect me to hang around with you for the next 4 weeks" (the amount of time I'm likely to be off sick) and "I'm not the one who has had an operation", and "your family don't want to be with you, so you should be used to it".

He thinks that by offering to spend the day with me on Monday, that's plenty and I'm being selfish expecting him to give up his Sunday for me as well.

I think that he ought to actually want to be with me, to see me happy and to cheer me up. Am I the selfish one?

I'm lying in bed sobbing, less than a week post op, while he snores next to me.

HandyWoman Fri 03-Jun-16 00:29:54

He sounds delightful. Especially with the 'you should be used to it' comment.

What's he like day to day??? Supportive? Caring? Somehow I doubt it?

Poor you. Sorry you are feeling so alone as well as vulnerable

flowers and cake and get well soon. Perhaps while you are recuperating you could ponder whether this man has your back or whether you might fare just as well (or better) without him?

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 00:34:45

Thank you.

He's usually lovely, we have a very loving relationship. But he's been acting like a martyr since I've been off, he doesn't complain but rolls his eyes when I ask him to do stuff - I did point out that all the stuff I'm asking him to do is all stuff that I would normally do every single day.

He has been lovely with me the whole year that I've been getting sicker and sicker while I waited for this operation. Our lives have been put on hold, so I do understand that it has been hard on him too and that we've not been able to do the stuff we normally do so he's had to do it alone (sporty stuff).

I don't want to stop him doing anything, I just wanted to feel like he wanted to be with me more than he wanted to go out and have fun on his own.

soundofthenightingale Fri 03-Jun-16 00:35:12

<<< What HandyWoman says, every word. Though you may be feeling v poorly - maybe you could use this time of rest and recuperation to reflect.

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 00:38:21

When I challenged him on those comments, he said he just lashed out because I was pushing him, and that I was making this into something more than it was.

He said he thought he could do both - do his hobby, and spend Monday with me so he couldn't see the problem. He thinks I'm unreasonable for trying to stop him having fun.

He hasn't apologised for making me cry.

Am I being selfish?

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 00:40:06

I had similar surgery last year, and he behaved in a very similar way.

I told him I feel like he's a fair weather boyfriend, which he said isn't true because he's stuck with me this opast year while I've been sick. But I feel like he wants me if I'm fun and sporty, but is clearly bored of me if I'm disabled or sick.

situatedknowledge Fri 03-Jun-16 00:40:51

You are absolutely not being selfish.

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 00:51:18

Thank you.

His comment re my family by the way - my Mum spent each day in hospital with me, and spent all day Wednesday with me (i.e. The first day that DP went back to work), and offered to come today but I told her not to bother because my friend was coming in the morning and in the afternoon I'd just sleep. She's coming tomorrow too.

So that comment really wasn't warranted. My Mum has been brilliant. My sister has only popped by once, despite passing my house on the way to work each day, so that's a bit hurtful, and I think that's what he was getting at.

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 08:23:55

Just had a discussion with him about his behaviour. He thinks I'm over reacting, and can't see anything wrong with him wanting to spend his free time doing his hobby.

I explained to him that from next week onwards, I'm going to be on my own every single day (My Mum is going on holiday) and so the only company I am going to have is him. I said that he ought to want to spend his 2 days off spending quality time with me to help make me happy.

He completely disagrees. He thinks he should be allowed to do what he wants to do, and because he's spending Monday with me (he's offered to take me out for a coffee, whoopee) I should be happy with that. He says I'm making more of it than it is.

He has apologised briefly for his nasty comment about my family, but he stands by the one about not having to spend 4 weeks with me.

Am I over reacting? It's difficult for me to get perspective while I'm laid up. I just think if the tables were turned and he was sick, I'd think yeah it's shit if the weather is nice because I'd love to go out out and do our hobby, but that's life and I'd make the sacrifice for him to see him happy.

kerbys Fri 03-Jun-16 08:51:51

I would tell him to do his hobby, not because I'd be happy about it, but because I wouldn't want to spend the day with someone who would rather be somewhere else.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Jun-16 08:59:08

I don't think you are asking much here

peggyundercrackers Fri 03-Jun-16 09:20:35

I think if your well enough to cope on your own then it's ok for him to go out. If you were really struggling to do something or couldn't do some things then no he shouldn't go out. I think your being a little unreasonable because as you any he has stuck with you the last year and supported you.

KinkyAfro Fri 03-Jun-16 09:22:29

I'd be kicking him so far down the fucking road and never letting him back, nasty pig.

KinkyAfro Fri 03-Jun-16 09:23:49

stuck with you, Peggy, he's her fucking partner, he should be supporting her, helping her.

kerbys Fri 03-Jun-16 09:29:41

Kinky would you tell him he has to spend both days with you?

TendonQueen Fri 03-Jun-16 09:35:43

It's the 'and why should I spend time with you?' Attitude that's the problem. He sounds like a dick. And it doesn't sound like he pulls his weight in the house either, if he's eyerolling at being asked to do your usual jobs. Do you have kids, or want to have them? He sounds like he'd be one of those types who would expect his life to carry on unchanged while you take care of all the hassle.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 03-Jun-16 09:54:54

For a start I'd downgrade him to 'P' in your posts. There's very little of the 'D' about him.

No, you're not expecting too much. He's showing you how much he values you - very little it seems. What are you going to do about it? If you do nothing and let him keep treating you like an inconvenience, nothing will change.

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 10:09:52

It's the 'and why should I spend time with you?' Attitude that's the problem.

Yes it's exactly that.

He thinks I'm totally over reacting and there's no reason why he can't do his hobby for part of Sunday and spend the rest of Sunday evening / Monday with me. He doesn't get that it's the principle of the matter.

What am I going to do about it? Nothing, if I'm honest. We ordinarily have a good relationship. He has always had moments of selfishness, sometimes acts like a single man (i.e. buying things for himself, doing things with his mates without discussing it with me) but he has never tried to stop me doing the same. So it can be occasionally annoying. THis time it's hurtful.

We don't have DCs, we're TTC once I've recovered from surgery. I think that might be part of the issue. I've had reduced mobility for over a year due to my illness, and I'm looking forward to going back to our active lifestyle and having some big holidays - if I do manage to get pregnant, we'll have to lose that aspect of our lives just as we're about to get it back. I wonder if he's thinking about that too.

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 10:12:50

I think I'm almost equally upset at his reaction to me crying last night. I'm lying there propped up with pillows in bed because I can't yet lie flat. I'm sobbing my heart out. And he goes to sleep.

No matter what he thought was right or wrong, he should have been mortified to have upset me like that less than a week after me having major surgery. I just think he should be caring for me and loving me, not getting in a huff with me no matter what the circumstances.

scarlets Fri 03-Jun-16 10:19:14

I don't think that he's a keeper. Sorry, OP.

I hope you have a speedy recovery.

FetchezLaVache Fri 03-Jun-16 10:20:07

In your shoes, I would have been absolutely fine for my DP to go off to do his hobby on the Sunday, so it was a YABU from me- until I read his responses to you. And everything you've said about him since. Does he always lash out with the bitchiest thing he can think of when pulled up on anything?

Arfarfanarf Fri 03-Jun-16 10:22:21

If he's only nice when you don't need him but isn't there for you when you need him and gets nasty with you because you need him - what's the point of him?

Someone who loves you is there for you more in difficult times, not less.

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 10:26:08

Yeah I was originally fine with him going off on Sunday, but then I thought about it a bit more - it's the principle. And yes, his reactions, which he still stands by 'why should he hang around with me for 4 weeks', and 'why should he have to stop doing stuff just because I've had an operation'.

He sometimes lashes out with bitchy comments like this, not always. I never do, it's just not my instinct to lash out by hurting. I shout and strop and cry, but I don't say nasty things. So I find it hard to comprehend.

I'm in two minds - of course he shouldn't have to put his hobbies to one side just because I'm sick. But also, he should want to make me happy and enjoy time with me. He can't see why he can't do both.

I think part of this comes down to loneliness. I get very isolated stuck at home (not allowed to drive), so I could literally go a whole week without seeing anyone else. So days spent with him / days out will be precious.

HospitalHassler Fri 03-Jun-16 10:27:30

Someone who loves you is there for you more in difficult times, not less.

He has been great doing everything for me while I've needed him to. It's the voluntarily spending time with me thing that he's struggling with.

birdsdestiny Fri 03-Jun-16 10:29:41

I would be very careful about having children with him.

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