STBXH and I separated in May last year, continuing to live together (finances) till October, when I was offered an opportunity 350 miles away - thought it would be a good idea. I became aware before and whilst we were separating (separating on his instigation; he was admittedly very unhappy but couldn't say why etc) that he was becoming very friendly with a woman we both knew who lived where we had previously lived, 70 miles away where his mum lives (so visiting regularly, etc). I wasn't happy as honestly I thought we could fix things - it had seemed to me to be such a strong marriage (yeah, I know, I know). Anyway the separation has gone through various phases, less and more friendly, and we were in a friendly stage and getting more friendly - he sent me unexpected presents, was really helpful and forthcoming, etc. I'd asked a lot about this woman and had found various communications between them that I found rather close - he admitted he was thinking of a relationship with her and we'd discussed this. I had my doubts (not all of which were ego based) and had made this clear. I wanted more than anything to be able to trust him, for our friendship's sake, if nothing else. He told me that they had irregular contact, that he didn't know what he saw in her, there was no spark, she was unsuitable for various reasons and so on. I asked him to let me know whether there was contact, I think primarily so that if he did decide to go with that relationship, I 'd have a chance to pull myself away with dignity. Also, few new relationships want a close friendship with the ex on the scene. I asked this openly for the sake of my dignity and sense of self and he said there was nothing to tell, there'd been no contact for ages. I hadn't trusted him for a long time but decided to give it a go (trusting him I mean) and see how it went.
Visited last weekend - we had a lovely time, I felt safe and valued in the friendship. He was adamant he would tell me if there was contact. You all know where this is going: I found a receipt for flowers and a cake saying "I love you" that he'd sent her. A long discussion ensued in which he admitted they'd been in regular communication for the past 6 months and it had been building up to the day before my visit, when he rang her with a declaration of love, and wanting to take things to "the next level" - whatever that was. Only - he said something that was quite stupid and offensive and she got angry and shouted at him and after this he felt there was not going to be a relationship after all. He asked a friend the next day what he should do and the friend advised that since I knew nothing and there was not now apparently going to be a relationship, not to tell me anything - the old why cause problems argument. Not useful now that I found out.
I have serious issues around this breach of trust. Please feel free to tell me what an idiot I've been and remind me that I never want to see him again. I'm in such pain that he lied to me all that time, minimising things like sending her a link to a song "because she likes the backing singer" - when the lyrics were all about someone who makes everything better, and promising to be together forever. This is something he did to me early on in our relationship - different song, same tactic. He's felt like a big hero to this woman, coming to her rescue and pursuing her (I now see) and making himself seem sensitive and thoughtful (she knew I did not know about them - I'm assuming he told her I would not be able to handle it or something). Sadly this is exactly how he presented himself to me when we met - he had broken up with his ex but he was still in regular contact and not really entirely separate in his mind. However to me he's been quite dismissive of this woman, which again I find really distasteful of him.
I feel a fool, obviously, and am furious and hurt. I liked us being friends because I don't like being angry, I feel I am quite an understanding person and I preferred things not being tense between us. All I asked was for honesty and I am gutted he's not given it to me (he said he was going to tell me on the weekend once the new relationship had the green light - completely misunderstanding most of the reason I was asking to know). All (ok most) of this I can understand - but please can anyone help me understand why I am so angry with her? I'm pretty certain he presented himself as someone whose marriage had already broken down (though she certainly jumped right in there) - I'm not sure she's done anything wrong here. But I am so angry - I have The Rage with her (not only with her; most of my rage is at him). I don't even know why. For being there? Could have been anyone. For colluding in the secrecy? I'm sure he made the reasons for it compelling. For having something I thought of as mine? I hate to think I was thinking that way, though I suppose I might have been. I'd really like to stop being angry full stop, but I especially don't understand my anger at her, and I'd like some help.
If you don't have any help, handholding is appreciated. Also, when you tell me I'm an idiot, doing it with kindness is much appreciated.
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Relationships
Please help me understand
hareinthemoon · 02/06/2016 19:43
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