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Just found out dh had an affair

(487 Posts)
faffalotty Thu 02-Jun-16 11:09:34

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

Greenyogagirl Thu 02-Jun-16 11:10:16

I haven't got the words but sending you lots of love xxx

OnTheBr1nk Thu 02-Jun-16 11:10:50

Was it a one-off or a long-term thing~? (I'm guessing the latter). How did you find out, and have you discussed it with him?

SnoozeButtonAbuser Thu 02-Jun-16 11:17:00

Hello, handholding! I found out at Christmastime my dh of 10 years had a 6 month affair (it ended 6 months before I found out). It was a really shitty time, to say the very least. I hope you're ok. Tell us about it if it helps. How far have you got with finding out everything? Usually you only get an admission of the minimum he think he can divulge, then you think you know everything and every few days you learn something else and your heart breaks all over again. Why can't they just spit it all out the first time? Dicks. Thinking of you OP. x

TheNaze73 Thu 02-Jun-16 11:26:43

Just sending my sympathy. That is truly crap flowers

faffalotty Thu 02-Jun-16 11:34:02

Thanks lovely people. I don't have any rl support. I posted last week (different username) about repeated lying to me and not wanting me to contact his female friend. Finally came out this morning that the reason was that he had confided in her about the affair. He says they slept together once. It was a mistake and he feels so guilty.
I have gone out for a walk. I don't know what to do or where to go. Thinking if sitting in a pub and drinking (I've not drunk for two years)

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Jun-16 13:08:32

Aha - the minimising begins.
We only did it once.... blah blah blah.

This is totally your choice though.
Lots of couples come out the other side of an affair.
It's never quite the same but sometimes it can be better.
It was a deal-breaker for me although I was going to try.

But you've 28 years together.
That's a lot to think about.
Get yourself away for a bit if you can.
Drinking just deepens depression so don't do that.
Go the pub but have a coffee, most do that now.

It's crap and it's shit and it's heart breaking amongst many other things.
Take your time. No knee-jerk responses.
Decide what you want and then go from there.

NathalieM Thu 02-Jun-16 14:54:23

28 years is an incredible commitment, and to learn that it's been broken in such a way is just awful, you most definitely have my sympathies. I think you deserve a drink in that case! What you need (or rather want) to do will become clear.

dublingirl48653 Thu 02-Jun-16 15:12:49

so sorry to hear this

hope you have friends nearby to support you through this xxx

loobyloo1234 Thu 02-Jun-16 15:14:37

How did he leave it with you? Was he apologetic? Was he begging forgiveness? Is he still in contact with the OW?

Bless you - sending you hugs flowers

faffalotty Thu 02-Jun-16 15:44:16

Bad decision - decided to get pissed

timelytess Thu 02-Jun-16 15:50:16

And are you? Please stop, you might make things worse.
Handholding for whatever you decide to do right now.
With regard to him, I'd sack him. How is he worth your pain? He isn't.

Vagabond Thu 02-Jun-16 16:33:18

Talk talk talk to him.

28 years is not worth throwing away. I know lots of couples (well...2) who have had discreet affairs and were never found out. The coupes are still together and happier than ever. I also know couples who know about the other's affairs and are still together. My parents both had brief affairs and are about to celebrate 60 years together.

Don't throw it away. Find out why it happened and try to fix things. Don't listen to the "leave the bastard" brigade. Unless, that's what you want to hear.

dontknowwhatcomesnext Thu 02-Jun-16 16:58:36

I don't disagree at all with Vagabond, but what I would strongly, strongly suggest is that you take some time apart before you commit to staying in the marriage. I truly believe, from observation and my own experience, is that the marriages that survive something like this and come out of it in a way that is healthy and happy are those where the "wronged" party is willing to walk away, if necessary. It is trite but true: You must be willing to walk away from your marriage to save it. Please do not, under any circumstances, let him tell you it was because he was unhappy, flattered, etc. That may be true in one sense, of course, and of course you are responsible too for the state of the marriage at any point in time, but actually taking the steps leading up to cheating and executing them (and then lying about it) IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL. It is not a "mistake". If you sell yourself short now, you might end up still married, but not necessarily in a valuable marriage. There are no prizes for staying in a long term, unhealthy relationship. Counselling, counselling, counselling, counselling . . . individual and together. That should be your minimum requirement after taking some time apart. And you must look for insight from him as to why it happened, not bullshit. Best of luck. I so feel for you. Big hugs.

Jan45 Thu 02-Jun-16 17:42:44

Agree completely with dontknow...... an affair is not a mistake, it's a premeditated carefully thought out execution so don't just stay because you have history, he actually needs to be sorry and for you to feel you can trust him, I doubt you ever will completely but it needs to be enough to make you feel happy and secure and that will take a long time yet, if at all.

Shadow1986 Thu 02-Jun-16 17:45:43

So sorry OP. Look after yourself getting drunk by yourself if you've not drunk for so long...
Is there anyway he could go somewhere to give you some time to digest it all, not fair that it's you that's had to go out for space.

faffalotty Thu 02-Jun-16 17:46:32

Thank you for the considered advice.
I do not want to throw away our relationship. It has been my entire adult life. I hope we can rebuild but at the moment I feel in a lot of pain.

faffalotty Thu 02-Jun-16 17:47:00

I feel like this is something that happens to other people

SnoozeButtonAbuser Thu 02-Jun-16 18:23:12

I feel like this is something that happens to other people
I felt like that too. It's always someone else until it's you.

I recommend reading Shirley Glass 'Not just friends'. It's a really great book which will help you understand this and get through it. He should read it too. His boundaries are all over the bloody place - not just the affair but the confiding in another female friend about it as well.

You don't have to make any decisions in a hurry, don't worry about that. You need to get through all the trickle-truth first, find out the full extent of exactly what went on, and then start to digest that and see how you feel about the future.

BlackPeony Thu 02-Jun-16 21:07:52

I'm so sorry. I'm three months on from you (though I discovered an ongoing affair, rather than a confession of a historical one).

It has been one of the most painful episodes of my life, and it still occupies my thoughts most days, but it is getting better.

Where you are right now is agonising. Whatever happens with you and your DH, please know that it won't be this brutal forever.

Only you can decide where to go from here (and you don't need to make any firm decisions now, and you can change your mind at any time). There will be lots of LTB responses, but it's your life and your marriage. Don't feel as though you have to take any course of action because of what some people say they think they would hypothetically do in your situation.

Wishing you strength xx

Ludways Thu 02-Jun-16 21:23:26

We're 9 years post affair and happier than ever, it's possible if that's what you both want. Bloody hard work though, at least in the early days.

I got pissed very often the first week after I found out, drinking wine straight from the bottle, pffft, it felt good at the time.

228agreenend Thu 02-Jun-16 21:28:18

Was it a one night stand, or a long term affair? What was the circumstances?

If it were a drunken mistake, then I think I would find it easier to forgive and move on. If it were longer, and involved dates and kisses, then that would be harder.

Poppledopple Thu 02-Jun-16 21:50:15

I am so sorry. You are in for a massive roller coaster of all of the stages of grief (sometimes all at once) over the next year at least.....if YOU want to rebuild - HE needs to do 100% of the work. This short book (attached as a pdf) written by a marriage counsellor outlines the 15 actions/behaviours your DH needs to take and sustain whole heartedly if there is to be any chance of this not destroying your marriage from the inside out. You need to express your emotions - he needs to see them and respond appropriately, time and time again.

faffalotty Fri 03-Jun-16 04:44:25

Thank you for your understanding and positive stories. I took a sleeping tablet last night but have been awake since 3am. After effects of alcohol plus racing heart and just a horrible heavy, deep pain inside

Keep getting images in my head of the two of them together. How do you cope with that?

So sorry that you are going through this.

Completely understandable that you will feel just awful.

It's going to be one step at a time I think.

Do you have friends or family that you can talk to?

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