Revoked POA

[SymphonyofShadows]

Long, sorry. I was going to NC for this but can't be arsed.

Last year my mother, who is visually impaired, took out POAs for money and health, giving me the power of attorney. I get shopping, deal with mail, meds, applied for all her benefits, got her a iphone so she can use SIRI to call/text etc. and visit most days. My oldest DS also helps out a lot. Neither of my sisters live near and perhaps see her once a month. She made me POA because I do all the 'care' and as she blames one of my sisters for bad decisions made when my father was at the end of his life, regarding his medical care.
My other sister has a disability which means it would be difficult for her practically to act as POA.

A couple of months ago DP's elderly aunt, who has no children, needed our help. She lives quite some distance so we went overnight. While we were away my mother behaved appallingly, phoning me demanding I do things for her that I wasn't able to do etc. When I came back she had a massive strop over nothing which led to a heated row.

Now the aunt has suddenly been taken ill and is not expected to live for very much longer (particularly aggressive cancer). This means that we have had to fit in visiting her and sorting out practical things for her at a distance, DP is next of kin. My mother is still getting everything she needs but is not the main focus iyswim?

I was summoned yesterday to be told that she has revoked POA as "she wants to be more independent". I can't quite believe the stupidity. I tried to explain that she has just made herself more vulnerable purely out of spite. I just really don't know how to deal with this. When I went to walk away after the previous row she screamed "that's it, let me starve". She depends on me to get her food as there is literally no one else who is prepared to do it, I can't walk away but I dearly want to. I think she is worried that she won't have her will as a stick to beat me with once the aunt passes as she assumes DP will be the main beneficiary. My sisters are obsessed with their inheritance but I really don't think that way, particularly as I can see a time when she needs constant care so there may be no inheritance left, she has very little apart from her house. This doesn't seem to have occurred to the others. We have no idea what arrangements the aunt has made but we think most will go to charity, so my mother is making a lot of incorrect assumptions. I suspect she thinks her hold on me is somehow slipping away, which is ridiculous, I help because she is my mother not what's in it for me. I really don't know how to continue dealing with her.

[cansu]

Tell her that's fine but you will not be able to manage things for her in the way you have been doing. Don't get sucked into it. She will either manage herself, get one of your other siblings to do it or change her mind. She needs to work this out for herself though so leave her to it.

[SymphonyofShadows]

Thanks cansu, I know you are right.

[weaselwords]

I would check she really has revoked LPA and isn't just saying she has to upset you.

If she really has and has the capacity to make this decision (as I'd be a bit worried about dementia with this behaviour), then she can do that but must accept that she now pays for someone else to do her shopping etc.

Easier said than done, though. I think there is a good thread for support of people caring for elderly relatives on mumsnet. Good luck with it all.

[SymphonyofShadows]

I just so incredulous that she could do something so stupid out of spite or petulance. It took a fair chunk of her savings to set these up and safeguard her interests, only for her to throw it away by behaving like a spoiled child. I don't think she realises just how vulnerable she has made herself. It's my understanding that if she becomes incapable in any way that social services could apply for guardianship, particularly if there is family disagreement, which is bound to happen.

[SymphonyofShadows]

Thanks weasel, cross posts. I am a bit worried about dementia too. I might have a word with her hairdresser who visits weekly and is a friend, just to see if she's noticed anything.

[weaselwords]

Is this a change in behaviour or worsening of previous stuff?

[SymphonyofShadows]

Worsening really. She doesn't really listen properly so I end up repeating myself, but she has always done that. She obsesses over things too, always has. It's like she needs to have an all-encompassing worry or isn't happy if that makes sense?

A few years ago she was obsessing over a tree in the garden possibly falling on the house. I told her it was unlikely to fall in high winds due to its sheltered position, and it wouldn't have reached the house, but she spent the best part of £1000 having it cut down anyway. The latest thing is her smart meter. BG need to fit a bigger fuse on their side of the meter but have said it isn't crucial and will get round to it once this lot of installations are done. I have explained this to her at least 6 times and explained how a smaller fuse means it's safer as more likely to trip, and that its on their side so it's their responsibility and we can't do it. She is still obsessing over it. She also misheard something a neighbour said and is now convinced they are all talking about her. This is not new behaviour but she seems more agitated.

[SymphonyofShadows]

She's 87, not sure I mentioned that

[TheCrumpettyTree]

You can only get poa when the person is still capable of making decisions. If she's revoked it and is now or becoming incapable then I assume you may not get it back, which is not going to help anyone.

[OurBlanche]

Check the legal status of the POA. If she is acting oddly the chances are that any solicitor might have questioned her ability to do so, you should raise this with them. They won't be surprised, it is, after all, what POA is for!

You certainly shouldn't just take her word for it... not saying you have done that though

[SymphonyofShadows]

I'll call the solicitor and check. I was doubtful about her being able to revoke it as she doesn't leave the house without me due to her vision and mobility issues. I suppose she could have got a taxi and she is certainly calculating enough to have done all this in secret when she knows I won't be around.

[SymphonyofShadows]

I have called my sister and told her my concerns. She had no idea about the POA, which is going to open a whole can of worms, but at least it's all out on the open. I have said that I am not willing to keep doing what I have been doing if I'm just going to get abuse and talked to like a four year old. I have other care responsibilities and I feel at the moment like my shit bucket is full.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

Have you ever spoken to Age uk? They might be able to advise you, if not just for you to rant (well not rant) at someone impartial who knows what your worries are about.

[SymphonyofShadows]

Thanks Crumpetty, I haven't yet but I will. I'm still trying to process where it all went so wrong. For the last 18 months I have done everything for her and now I'm the villian and my sisters are angels. I had to call my mother as DS was going to visit but has refused to go because of the swearing and shouting (he has ASD). I asked her if she understood who she was hurting by revoking the POA and pointed out some of the things that could now happen but she said she'd take her chances. I really can't understand what I have done that is so wrong. I'm heartbroken about the aunt too, who has only ever treated me with love. I wish I could be there for her more instead of dealing with all this madness. So sorry to vent.

[tb]

Solicitors vary. Some 10 years after my late dm wrote a letter to me and someone called Norman - my late df's name, not DH's name, a solicitor local to her was writing a new will for her every 6 months or so, depending who she hated most at the time.

Whether she had the capacity to make a will, who knows?

Leaving mouldy fruit that we'd bought in the fruit bowl, protected by cling-film so as not to pollute 'her' fruit would make me doubt her capacity somewhat, but she could be very convincing when she wanted to be.

[weaselwords]

I'm quite suspicious that she may have a degree of dementia. Can you talk to her GP?

Even people in the early stages of dementia don't get to treat their daughters like shit. You are right to feel aggrieved and don't have to put up with it.

[Sucksfake1]

Has your mam always been that way inclined op. I'm only asking as since my Gran has been diagnosed with althzeimers (sp) her personality has changed a lot.

Just little things like refusing to write out birthday cards etc but not like her at all.

It sounds rotten for you and in sorry about your DP's aunt

[TheCrumpettyTree]

Has she got dementia? Sadly some people do go aggressive with it.

[SymphonyofShadows]

She has always had a nasty streak and can have quite a vicious tongue. We have noticed that one sister is always in the doghouse too, and we all seem to take a turn. When I spoke to my sister she laughed off the idea of dementia, which is why I wanted the health POA in the first place, I can forsee a lot of difficulties as the other two will do what they think is best for them and 'the inheritance' not necessarily what is best for our mum. I will speak to the GP and check with the solicitor to see if she has actually revoked the POA then, depending on what happens, I think I need to take a step back for my own mental health. Thanks for the replies everyone.

[weaselwords]

If she's always had a nasty streak, she could be upping the ante because she's got less control over you now.

A step back for your own mental health is a great idea. You won't see her suffer, but she can pay someone else to do the things you do and you can just phone or visit.

Many, many people don't have family to run around after them so rely on meals on wheels (or whatever it's called now) a cleaner and carers to help with personal care. Social services will set up a council appointee to manage money and make sure the bills are paid.

Most people rail against this, as they don't want strangers looking after them and don't like spending the money, but it is a perfectly reasonable option and you aren't cruel if you allow this to happen.

[Arkengarthdale]

I would ask the GP to check for dementia. My dad was like this, we thought he just didn't listen (you could actually see him tuning out) but it eventually became clear that it was dementia. An early diagnosis is best for slowing the decline. We scraped through POA by the skin of our teeth as he would not agree until he had read everything about it, but then would have no idea that I'd left him info to read. No advice for getting it back if she has revoked it, I'm afraid, but what I will say is that you need to look after yourself and your mental health and if that means limiting the time you spend with your mum while your DP's aunt is so ill, then do it. I speak from bitter experience - look after yourself! Best wishes and I'm sorry it's difficult - I really do feel for you.

[SymphonyofShadows]

I've just spoken to the solicitor and she has actually done it, it's not just an empty threat. That would have taken some doing as she is totally blind in one eye and only has a bit of peripheral vision in the other, so she must have either taken a taxi or roped a neighbour in to take her. I did ask whether the solicitor felt she was mentally capable of making the decision and the solicitor said that in her opinion she was. So that is that. It's a relief actually as it means that I can now shovel the whole lot onto my sister with a clear conscience. I think my mum will get a shock at the cost of paying someone but that isn't my problem.

I'm not sure what to say to the GP, but at least if I call and speak to her there will be a paper trial if other signs of dementia show themselves later.

[SymphonyofShadows]

and to you all for listening

[weaselwords]

I really hoped she was just pulling your leg, I do feel for you as this is a massive slap in the face

[SymphonyofShadows]

I think the solicitor may have been rash agreeing to revoke it. If there is dementia then she is on very thin ice I would have thought. I really don't know how to approach the GP without it seeming like sour grapes.

My friend has glaucoma and her daughter does a lot for her but they happily bump along. I'm going to read some of the posts on toxic parents I think.