Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I go to my BIL's wedding?

(23 Posts)
Purple79b Wed 01-Jun-16 21:56:51

I don't want to give too many details away, but here goes.

My BIL is getting re-married in a few days. My husband was recently at his stag do. They are not close, little in common, and we rarely see him but they are civil. BIL likes to get drunk and get into fights. He has been aggressive towards my DH in the past but not in recent years. On the stag do, BIL suddenly and aggressively confronted my DH. DH had made a remark about a song that was playing to someone else. BIL fronted up to him, shouting at him in front of everyone there, who went silent. DH left. Was very shaken and upset when he got home. I know from other people that this is a true account of events.

Family agree that BIL was out of order but seem to think this behaviour is OK because he was drunk. I do not want to go to this man's wedding. He has a history of behaving this way but in MILs eyes he can do no wrong. If I don't go, it will be me who will be seen to be in the wrong, which makes me even more angry.

BIL has only recently met wife to be and I have only met her a couple of times. She has not made any effort to get to know me and is therefore a stranger, so I won't be going for her benefit.

I am angry and don't want to go. I don't feel my DH and I are safe around this man. Should I go?

KleineDracheKokosnuss Wed 01-Jun-16 21:59:13

He sounds like an arse and a potentially violent one at that. I wouldn't go.

Pigeonpost Wed 01-Jun-16 21:59:26

Go but keep as wide a berth as possible and leave early before anyone gets too pissed.

AnyFucker Wed 01-Jun-16 22:00:49

I would not go.

p0ppers Wed 01-Jun-16 22:02:07

Definitely wouldn't go!

Lilaclily Wed 01-Jun-16 22:03:06

Is your dh going though? If yes I'd go to support him but I'd leave asap before the drinking gets in full swing

SpongeCakeBigPants Wed 01-Jun-16 22:04:48

Could you make up another reason to not go to avoid the fall out? Fake a migraine? For what it's worth , I wouldn't go either.

Rainbowshine Wed 01-Jun-16 22:05:45

Go to the ceremony but then suddenly develop a terrible migraine meaning you sadly have to go home before he kicks off

ThatStewie Wed 01-Jun-16 22:08:17

Fake a comitong bug for both of you. That way you get out of the wedding without the added drama

ApocalypseSlough Wed 01-Jun-16 22:10:47

Go if DH can't get out of it.

Iflyaway Wed 01-Jun-16 22:13:18

Don't let yourself be intimidated by MIL & BIL.

I would say fuck off to the lot of them till they get some manners.

unless you want these pricks to rule your life

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Wed 01-Jun-16 22:17:57

There's a nasty D&V bug going around. Just saying. It would be a terrible disappointment for your and your DH to have to spend the whole day in bed watching Netflix instead of going to the wedding, but you really wouldn't want to pass the bug on to them as they set off on their honeymoon. wink

Aussiebean Wed 01-Jun-16 22:19:44

If you dh wants to go, go with him and support him.

This incident happened to him and it's his brother and family.

Let him decide and support it. If you do go. Be a calming influence and steer everyone away from each.

AddToBasket Wed 01-Jun-16 22:48:18

Go, but leave quietly before the drinking really kicks off.

I think if you don't go there will be so much more of a scene and the whole thing will roll on. If you go you can be friendly and smiley in all the photos, then slip away and have a glass of wine together when you get home.

I know you've only just met her but if she's going to stick around for the next X many years it is better to get off on the best footing possible. None of this is your fault, but if it was me I'd just be trying to keep the peace til after the wedding so you not going doesn't become one of the family axes that get ground forever after.

TheNaze73 Wed 01-Jun-16 23:54:23

Bin it off

ReySkywalker Thu 02-Jun-16 00:39:33

Is your DH going? Is so, support him by going. If he's staying away, support him by staying away. It will be a hard day for him and he'll want your support

LellyMcKelly Thu 02-Jun-16 05:35:11

Nobody should ever feel they have to lie to get out of something they don't want to go to. Just tell your BIL the truth when he's sober - that after what happened on the stag do you feel very uncomfortable about going to the wedding. If you don't want to do that, go to the wedding and leave as soon as is polite.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting Thu 02-Jun-16 06:01:22

I sympathise but I agree that if possible going along and leaving as early as is decent is the way to go. The man sounds like an arse but it's not worth causing a family rift over.

DinosaursRoar Thu 02-Jun-16 22:52:36

If your DH is going/feels he has to go, then you should go with him, you wouldn't be going for BILs benefit but to be a support to your DH.

Purple79b Thu 02-Jun-16 23:16:23

Thanks for all of your replies. Have decided to go, and leave early. Don't want to in principle, but I realise that if I don't, there will be consequences that go on for years potentially - easier to grin and bear it and then keep my distance afterwards!! wine

Purple79b Thu 02-Jun-16 23:21:29

Also want to add, what an awesome counselling service MN is! You've all made me feel very supported with your sage advice flowers

leelu66 Thu 02-Jun-16 23:31:33

It sounds like your DH is sort of the scapegoat and expected to suck up hiss brother's bad behaviour to keep the peace.

If you and your DH would prefer to have no contact with BIL then I would not go to the wedding. This sends a clear message to BIL that you don't want anything to do with him.

If you think you need to maintain the low contact you currently have then not going to the wedding may create a shit storm for you.

Has your BIL actually apologised to your DH? A third option would be for your DH to refuse to go until his brother apolgises. That will put the onus on your BIL and will make you/DH less of the 'bad guys'.

leelu66 Thu 02-Jun-16 23:32:17

X post! smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now