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I'm doing my own head in

(18 Posts)
RoundAndRoundInCirclesAgain Wed 01-Jun-16 15:53:08

I go round in circles with this every day at the moment, I'm making myself I'll trying to work out what to do for the best....

Simple facts
- dp and I have been together 4 yes
- own a house together
- no dcs
- both just under 30
- both work full time

The issues
- I do almost all the household chores (he claims he does half...he doesn't). He will do probably 2 hours of cleaning on most weekends. He's supposed to be in charge of mowing the lawn and it's currently incredibly long
- he is very dogmatic which I find tough
- I struggle with sleep but he'll chat to me late at night and get upset I don't want to talk at that time
- he will use all my things and never replace them so I'll need something and it will be gone
- I look after all bill payments then have to ask for half the money
- I have stopped doing big food shops to see what happens. The fridge and freezer are empty

There's probably more

A million insignificant things but they're making me feel shite and unlovEd even when he says he loves me

What do I do wise people?

TheNaze73 Wed 01-Jun-16 16:07:47

I think you need to talk to him and be direct. Don't be whingy or go around the houses, be direct. He may not even think he's doing a thing wrong. Be prepared though, if you open up a hornets nest, he may have some harsh words back for you. Good luck

HandyWoman Wed 01-Jun-16 16:46:31

Your feelings matter. You are entitled to be heard on this stuff...

Feeling this way is understandable. You must feel taken for granted to be treated this way?

Time for a frank talk. And if things are festering like this in the absence of children then please make sure your contraception is belt-and-braces until you find a way to resolve the issue. Because it'll be a thousand time worse with kids in the mix.

Marmighty Wed 01-Jun-16 16:58:01

Practical suggestions:
Do a rota for chores, and alternate which chores you do - if you both did two hours cleaning every weekend that should get most of it done. And if you both work full time that's a reasonable amount to do. Alternating is to make it fair. Identify all tasks and agree on frequency - eg lawn is not weekly so he should have other things to do on weekly basis. Or, get a cleaner.

Get separate bank account for bills and both pay in set sums in advance.

Do food/toiletries shop online, include all things you both use (so no 'he's used up all my stuff') - pay from joint account.

Once you don't have so much of this practical house-admin stuff to stress about, then you will have time and headspace to think about other aspects of his character - dogmatic, night-owl etc. and whether he is the right person for you long-term.

ImperialBlether Wed 01-Jun-16 17:02:17

I think what happens is that when you get together in your twenties you often just stay together even when that person isn't right for you. Maybe this guy just isn't right for you? He might be perfectly nice in other ways, but there might be others out there that would suit you a hell of a lot more. He lacks responsibility and I think I would be tempted to kill him if he stopped me from sleeping - those two things aren't good as he's making you live in a way you don't want to live.

RoundAndRoundInCirclesAgain Wed 01-Jun-16 17:24:52

I think a rota is a good idea. Although so much of me thinks it shouldn't be needed.

I don't know if he's just livEd in house shares too long. He does things like if I leave a mug by the sink to wash up and h3 does some washing up he'll leave it and do his. I'd do all of it.

I've tried to talk about it but it's just like he doesn't see it. It also all sounds so petty

HandyWoman Wed 01-Jun-16 17:46:23

Oh gawd. This guy just may not be the man for you, OP.

Who wants to be a mother to their DP and train them how to live respectfully alongside a partner?

Total clit-shriveller.

With only a house between you (I appreciate it's a big thing but far less complicated than a family) I would consider moving out and reassessing whether this relationship had legs.

Oddsocksgalore Wed 01-Jun-16 17:57:15

Clit shrivelled- oh my god I'm dying laughing!

ImperialBlether Wed 01-Jun-16 18:14:21

I think anyone who washes up his own things and leaves something of yours is selfish.

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago - does anyone remember? The OP was working so hard and her twat of a boyfriend used to leave her breakfast dishes for her when she got home at 10 pm. He had finished his PhD and was arsing around teaching himself something unrelated and living off her. I always wondered whether she dumped him.

RoundAndRoundInCirclesAgain Wed 01-Jun-16 18:23:07

I'm really struggling as I don't feel like I know what is normal in a relationship anymore, whether I'm expecting too much

Clit shriveller made me laugh though

Some people have told me just to nag more and see how that goes.....

Middleagedmumoftwo Wed 01-Jun-16 18:27:31

Sounds like he needs to grow up...washing up and leaving your mug?! Some frank discussion is required and some agreements made before you move forward. If he's anything like my husband he needs things spelled out very clearly in terms of what you expect 🙄 Good luck!

RoundAndRoundInCirclesAgain Wed 01-Jun-16 18:34:38

I feel like I've tried to talk things through. I'll try again though, feeling a bit down trodden and uncared for to be honest

He says the right things but doesn't make me feel like he loves me because he never helps

PiratesHat Wed 01-Jun-16 18:47:10

OP what does he say when you confront him about the inbalance of housework chores?

How is he dogmatic, any examples?

The reason I ask is this sounds a lot like my partner when we first bought our house together. Not to worry you, but he slowly became emotionally and verbally abusive when I fell pregnant (now trying to split up with him).

I'm not saying for a minute this applies to you (or ever will) but I would advise thinking carefully before starting a family with this guy - by that I mean make sure you resolve your issues first.

RoundAndRoundInCirclesAgain Wed 01-Jun-16 19:13:33

He says that he does his fair share of the chores, or that he's been busy.

Dogmatic is the term he uses for himself. I say he is prone to bringing his work stress home and I take the brunt of it. He's been better lately since I talked to him about it but I still feel like it could come back anytime

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 01-Jun-16 19:29:33

I remember reading something on here a little while ago about all those little jobs that people just don't do because they can't be arsed and they know you'll do it instead.

One poster said that she tells her DH that it's ok for him to leave a mug on the side instead of washing it up etc, but that he has to say "Fuck you, wash it up yourself" or words to that effect, so that he is experiencing the same emotions around it as she is when she finds it sat there unwashed! The idea being that by showing a lack of respect on the chores front, he is showing a lack of respect for you and he needs to accept that.

I'm all for spelling things out when required, but it is exhausting having to accept someone else's standards or pick up after them. He sounds quite selfish from what you've put here. Is he also financially stingy or selfish in the bedroom? Your "million things" suggest that he is just not the right one for you tbh.

I'm just thinking that I put up with having to be in charge of tidying, washing etc because (even though my DP doesn't live here full time) if the fridge is empty DP will take us out to eat or get takeaway. If he uses all my toiletries he'll pick up more if he remembers or chuck me £20 to rebuy those things. If his stuff isn't washed he doesn't really care and will wear something else. And also he's dynamite in the bedroom, so not at all selfish there

If your DP is letting you down in so many areas I think it's only a matter of time before you split and better now than later when you're married or have DCs. You're young and have no baggage, don't settle!

ravenmum Wed 01-Jun-16 19:31:35

I also felt like I didn't know if I was expecting too much. Now I realise that's because I had been gradually adjusting them lower and lower, and trying to find excuses for why he gave me so little (to avoid the conclusion that he couldn't give a shit).

People don't feel uncared for without a reason. How does he react when you do caring things for him?

JellyBean31 Wed 01-Jun-16 19:44:40

When my exh used to say he did his fair share my response was "do you do as much as me? No? Well as we both work full time explain to me how that is fair"

RoundAndRoundInCirclesAgain Wed 01-Jun-16 20:05:39

I have questioned whether he notices the things I do so they almost don't register as having been done. He knows I do all the washing and does say thank you.

He's definitely noticed I've not done the food shop but does keep saying he will....and has done for just over a month now. I always make sure there's milk for breakfast so I guess if that stopped then he'd really see.

Often he says leave chores and he will do them.later. if I leave them they don't get done later then I do them when I would rather have just done it before.

I think he is selfish (although to be fair not in bed). Or at least puts his needs first and doesn't realise the impact on anyone else.

He is quite immature. I don't know. I feel like I might have fallen out of love with him inadvertently

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