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Dd wants to call my partner dad but

(23 Posts)
BerrySquash Wed 01-Jun-16 13:37:59

I've been with my partner just short of two years (although I've known him quite a few years) , so not a really long relationship but we are serious. We've both said we'd like to get married one day and we're planning on buying a house together next year. My childrens dads not involved so he's the closest thing to a dad they have. My partner has said in the past he'd like my kids to call him dad one day "when he's earnt the name" and acts like a father to them. My daughter who is 7 has always said even after we move in/get married etc although she wants to have his last name she'd never call him dad, she adores him but she gets shy about things like that however the last couple of days she's decided she wants to call him dad which I think is lovely but he doesn't seem to keen. I dont know what to do as she's like me in that she's very sensitive and I know if I say anything it will completely break her heart and knock her confidence. I'm a bit annoyed at my partner aswell as he knows what a big deal this is and from the way he's spoken in the past I thought he'd be dead chuffed.

BerrySquash Wed 01-Jun-16 13:47:09

(I didn't introduce him to my children as "my partner" until I was 100% sure we were serious. I'm not the kind of person who gets into a relationship every five minutes or would have my children call every guy I date dad, infact this is the only relationship I've been in and I'd known him a good few years and trusted him before we started to date . Just wanted to add that incase anyone gets the wrong idea) smile

Isetan Wed 01-Jun-16 13:48:58

Has your DP explained why he's not ready to be called Dad by your DD? However, at this stage in your relationship I think it's way too soon and given that you are not living together, even more so.

Don't run before you can walk.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 01-Jun-16 13:51:31

Have you asked him why not keen?

Could you maybe come up with a father like name to call him rather than dad, eggs Pops or similar (sorry grasping at straws).

Or maybe talk with partner and decide that he will be known as Dad once you are married, and both communicate that to your daughter?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 01-Jun-16 13:51:55

Eg not eggs!

ImperialBlether Wed 01-Jun-16 13:52:27

I don't think that should happen unless you're married, personally.

Isetan Wed 01-Jun-16 13:53:48

The intimate relationship you're in now, is a very different dynamic to the friendship you had before and I fear that the pre existing friendship is making you rush getting to know him in the new dynamic.

ProfessorPickles Wed 01-Jun-16 13:55:07

I agree about waiting until you're married and living together, I feel it'd be more appropriate at that point. Hopefully your DD would find that fair and it won't hurt her feelings or anything!

TheNaze73 Wed 01-Jun-16 14:03:01

I think he's being totally respectful here, to both you & your daughter. As you said, it's only been 2 years, so indeed not long at all. Personally, don't see the problem & wouldn't even dream of that scenario until, you were married. Bottom line, it's not his Dad

TheNaze73 Wed 01-Jun-16 14:03:28

Her not his. Apologies

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Wed 01-Jun-16 14:07:12

I think Eggs is an awesome name

bumbleclat Wed 01-Jun-16 14:14:01

My DSD went through a phase of calling me mum but I referred to myself and DH referred to me as my real name until the novelty wore off. She is probably just trying to place this man in her life's identity.
She probably won't carry on doing this.

BerrySquash Wed 01-Jun-16 14:18:38

Thank you for your responses. To be honest I do agree re waiting til we're married and I did say to my partner I didn't know how I felt about it, its sweet but a bit too soon etc. She's known him since she was 2 years old, also 2 years is quite a long time for a 7 year old. confused I just don't know how to tell my daughter without really upsetting her or how it's not going to play on her mind. I think from how he behaves and things that have been said and planned for the future she felt it would be appropriate to call him that.

SilverBirchWithout Wed 01-Jun-16 14:21:31

I think the problem is that your DD wants to do it now, 2 years is a long time for a 7 year old, she can probably hardly remember when he was not on the scene.

The drivers in all this should be your DC not either you or DP. However II understand you and DP do not feel it is appropriate at the moment, but you cannot expect DD to get used to calling him one thing and then at a later date expect her to change that name when it is actually OK for you.

I personally would be a bit concerned about your DP seemingly getting cold feet about being a step-dad. In most relationships an accidental 'dad' naming by a DC would be a cause of celebration that she is starting to feel that way about him.

IMHO the label she calls him isn't really that important, you cannot actually change the fact she is seeing him as a father-figure. Just be sure he is actually committed enough not to disappoint her.

SilverBirchWithout Wed 01-Jun-16 14:22:35


BerrySquash Wed 01-Jun-16 14:27:32

I think I'll try that approach and keep refering to him by his first name. Hopefully that'll work sad

Yes, I spoke to DP last night and he said he wants to feel he's earned the name. He also said to Dd to call him whatever she feels comfortable with.

Thank you for your advice guys smile

BerrySquash Wed 01-Jun-16 14:30:02

I think you've explained what I meant better than I did smile

FunkyChunk Wed 01-Jun-16 14:33:52

My DD did this for a couple of weeks on and off. She is back to calling DP an affectionate short version of his name.

I do believe she was testing the waters to see how we/he would react and was trying to establish the relationship in her own mind. We didn't actively discourage/encourage it when she said it, or made a fuss. Similar to you, we just took her lead and whatever she was comfortable with.

The difference is that my DD does see her father every other weekend. I don't believe she calls her step-mum "Mum", but I imagine she would have done the same in the early-ish stages.

forumdonkey Wed 01-Jun-16 15:24:22

How about a pet name? Something like Pops rather than dad?

LellyMcKelly Wed 01-Jun-16 18:10:10

I think Eggs is a great name!

WalkingBlind Wed 01-Jun-16 23:17:30

I correct my DD if she called my DP dad, however her dad is still on the scene so i think it's important for the relationship between them to make sure she knows the difference. It's hard for her because he is my DS's dad so we use the term dad around the house confused

On the other hand i was heartbroken that my DSM didn't want me to call her mum sad To this day i slip up but never to her face. I think it's because my own DM is shit though lol.

NeeNahh Thu 02-Jun-16 00:04:02

I'd feel really uncomfortable if my boyfriend's kids wanted to call me mum (although their mum is their RP and I don't live with my boyfriend). I guess if they wanted to I would try and suck it up to save their feelings. I like forumdonkey's idea of a petname.

thedogstinks Thu 02-Jun-16 03:51:47

I'm going to go against the grain and wonder why he has an issue with it, if he's committed to you? You make the commitment to someone (and their children) before you walk down the aisle. Otherwise you wouldn't be getting married at all.

Two years is a very, very long time when you're 7. He is the only father she has known. I'm surprised he doesn't consider it an honour. I'd be protecting my daughter's feelings here.

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