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Practical advice to help Ds following domestic incident

(4 Posts)
twirlypoo Wed 01-Jun-16 09:22:43

I have had a few threads on here so I won't waffle on, but I need some practical advice / tips for how to help 4yo DS following on from a domestic incident where he saw me hit and was hit himself in quite a violent outburst where the police had to be called.

The person who did this has learning difficulties (but knew what she was doing) and Ds sees her as his best friend. How do I tell him they can't play together any more? Ds is desperate for her to apologise - do I let this happen and then manage it so they just don't see each other again? He has asked several times a day if she is ready to say sorry yet, so it is a big deal to him. I don't want them to see each other again but I don't know if that's the right thing.

Conversely to the above, Ds is also very scared at the moment - we saw her in the street and he hid behind the wall, then shouted "sorry!" After her. I have explained he doesn't need to say sorry and he got very upset. How do I tackle this?

I don't want to give him a complex that if he is "naughty" then he won't get to see people again. Is there a way to explain this?

Also, the police are making a social services referral because it was a domestic incident. I am paranoid and anxious and a bit of a mess about this. My house has never been cleaner or tidier which I know is stupid, but can any one tell me what will happen? No one has been in touch yet and it happened on sat.

Is there any advice sheets or something to help children after this sort of thing? Am I missing doing something obvious?

I went back to work yesterday and Ds really didn't want me to leave, should I be off work till he goes back to school? Do I need to log this with the doctor or anything? I have told Ds school who have been lovely, but what else do I need to do.

Thank you flowers

grannytomine Wed 01-Jun-16 09:45:54

Sounds horrible for you, I suppose the bank holiday hasn't helped with getting things sorted. Is this person a child or an adult, I'm not clear from your post but if the police are involved I am assuming they are considerably older than your son?

Have the Police mentioned Victim Support, they could probably advise or the police will have a unit that deals with children who have been hurt or abused in some way, they have different names in different forces but I am sure there will be officers who are experienced in this sort of thing and they could give advice. Well I hope they could.

Good luck, it must have shaken his little world and I hope he soon forgets.

twirlypoo Wed 01-Jun-16 09:54:14

Thank you for replying, they are an adult - they live with my mum next door which complicates matters a bit.

Police haven't mentioned any other help / services other than making a social services referral (and I don't know if that is for Ds or for the person with learning difficulties)

I have called the doctors and got an emergency appointment as I don't know who / where to ask for help with this. I don't think me and Ds are coping very well at the moment. He was hiding in my bed begging me not to goto work this morning, I just want to be at home with him.

Isetan Wed 01-Jun-16 11:07:21

I'm not an expert but DD was present when her father assaulted me.

It's been a long exhausting and frustrating process culminating in her father terminating contact but at every step we had the support of a fantastic Child Phycologist. It was very important that he father apologise and verbally (even though I don't think he meant it) took responsibility for his behaviour. Before DD's father terminated contact, contact was always supervised (Contact Centre) and although she was desperate for me and her him to be friends again, I made it clear that was the responsibility of me and her dad and given the past, I was being understandably cautious.

I'm waffling but the long and the short of it is, reassure him that you love him and for now, contact won't happen until your satisfied that the relative understands how badly they behaved and gets help. I would also push for the support of a Child Psychologist because ours was invaluable and I believe that the trauma therapy she had so soon after the incident, made and continues to make a massive difference. Several years later, DD underwent EDMR therapy when her father's decision to terminate contact triggered flashbacks.

I don't live in the UK but I found the SS equivalent where I live quite useless because DD's father was no longer in the picture and they saw me coping (which consisted in them coming to my house and looking in the fridge). The professional support I had access to was pure coincidence and when I did need SS help (Contact Centre funding) I had to fight damn hard for it.

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