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DH had awful thing happen and now using!

(64 Posts)
mostlyrain Wed 01-Jun-16 05:00:40

I'm going to try and keep this short. My DH disclosed to me that he'd been raped my 2 men. Since then we've been struggling to move forward. 2 small children under 3, one of which was recently quite unwell, I've got PND and we don't have family close by to support. He's refusing to seek any support or help and won't discuss it with me or any other friends. I found out yesterday that he's taking a class A drug to 'get him through' a stressful work period. I'm devastated as he's been hiding it so well and I don't know what to do. I'm struggling myself with the PND but I need to help him. I don't know how we can survive this if we're not on the same page. He's threatened to leave me if I disclose what happened to him to any of our RL friends. I feel sick and can't sleep. Anyone help with a way forward?

winchester1 Wed 01-Jun-16 05:20:18

Would he talk to Samaritans (phone or email) so he can at least off load some feelings?
Is he the type to respond to the reality of drug taking - loss of job, criminal record etc and the affects it could have on your family and esp the kids so having a discussion just from.that point of view could help?
If its coke ita worth looking at the affects of long term use as it tends to cause anger and unfortunately you may find you need to leave to protect yourself and the kids so should also have a plan for that in place.

Have you been to the gp for your pnd and are you getting all / any outside support you can for that?

Sorry your both going through this flowers

erinaceus Wed 01-Jun-16 05:23:23


How awful for him and for you.

Do you have professional help for yourself? For example, if you have treatment for your PND does the person or people treating you know what has happened to your husband and what he is going through? If not, I think that making them aware of the situation would be one way forward.

Are you children safe, and are you?


mostlyrain Wed 01-Jun-16 05:23:38

He won't talk to anyone. That's what I don't understand. He's never used drugs before. Always had a disposition to drink but had counselling for that in the past. He's never been violent etc. His job is professional and he would instantly loose his career if he got caught. The only way I can challenge him is by telling him how I found out (his BF told me) and then he has no one to confide in (although he didn't tell his BF about the attack). I'm getting lots of support for my PND but I feel like I'm on a knife edge with this other problem and the deception.

mostlyrain Wed 01-Jun-16 05:24:51

I have a PND support buddy who knows everything. I think I need to intervene but I'm scared it will cost my marriage.

oabiti Wed 01-Jun-16 05:27:58

How awful for your partner and yourself. As above poster mentioned, please seek help for your PND. As you are wanting to help your partner, I feel you need as much support for you, in order to do that. And with small kids, it ain't easy.

notonyurjellybellynelly Wed 01-Jun-16 05:33:53

My goodness I actually thought of you this morning on the back of another thread.

The thing that I got from both of your threads is how good your husband is at hiding things from you.

If I recall correctly your husband went on a stag night and was raped by two men, he also caught an STD. He never spoke to anyone about it until he had to tell you, or you found out about the STD, and none of the other guys on the Stag noticed he'd gone missing on the night. Or perhaps they did and they assumed he'd gone off with a woman he met so they kept quiet.

Now you've found out he's using drugs (I've no idea what a class A drug is) and he's blaming it on work whilst emotionally blackmailing you into keeping quiet.

It all sounds like one huge sad and sorry mess and perhaps some time apart will help you to see things more clearly and find a way forward.

mostlyrain Wed 01-Jun-16 06:24:37

Thank you Noton. Yes, that's right. I've realised how good he is at hiding things from me. I can't stop thinking how did I not notice these things?!?! I've been with him 10 years. Surely I'm meant to know. Any idea how to move forward? I'm sat in the car crying.

thedogdaysareover Wed 01-Jun-16 06:33:40

I'm sorry lovely, this is terrible for you and your poor husband. What Winchester said basically. I don't know what to say other than thinking winchester's advice was good, only I couldn't move past this thread because you are crying in your car. It is great that you have posted this here and you will get some excellent support, you must feel very powerless if he is not ready to accept any support for himself. He is in very deep shock. I send you all the best wishes I can.

erinaceus Wed 01-Jun-16 07:03:39


You wrote that this might cost you your marriage. Have you discussed this with your DH? It might cost you your marriage but it is not a given that it will.

As thedogdaysareover says, he could be in shock right now. In time, you could suggest to him going to couple's counselling together. He does not have to disclose what happened to him but you could talk together about the effect that this is having on your relationship, that you are sitting in the car crying, and that in effect he has broken your trust in some way maybe?

I am glad that you are getting support and that your PND team know everything. Keep talking to them. If you need to talk to a trusted friend, you could, as long as you are sure that you and your children are safe. For example you said that he threatened to leave if you told anyone IRL. However you may be able to just explain to a trusted friend that things are shit right now, that your DH has had a big shock and by extension so have you and that you need whatever you need, a shoulder to cry on, help with the kids, someone to be with you to have a cup of tea. Pick a friend whom you can ask not to press you for details, and keep reaching out for the help that you need.


catsrus Wed 01-Jun-16 07:08:45

OP I suggest you contact survivors UK

They are a charity supporting men who have suffered rape or sexual abuse. They would be best placed to help you move forward and convince him to get some support.

I'm not saying forget about your dp - but if you have pnd and small children to support then you need to focus on that. You can't fix this for him, you need to be in as good a place yourself as you can be. I know what's happening to him is impacting hugely on your own wellbeing, of course it is, but with regards to his drug use the three Cs apply.
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it

Make sure you have, or create, good support networks for yourself and the DC. Good luck.

thedogdaysareover Wed 01-Jun-16 07:12:02

I think he has been incredibly brave in telling you what happened. After all, the perceived shame by victims about male rape is so strong in this society, he could have made up a story to explain why he got an STD, and he didn't, he told you. This is a really good thing, though it may not feel like it. He chose to trust you with the truth. A male friend of my stepdad got raped in Morocco, years ago, the truth came out much much later after his wife left him for being really unemotional and empty. You know the worst. You can work on that.

AuntyElle Wed 01-Jun-16 07:18:31

I'd just googled as well, Mostly. They offer support via webchat or text which might feel more manageable to your DH.
flowers for you x x

notonyurjellybellynelly Wed 01-Jun-16 07:20:32

Mostly I'm sorry your sat in your car crying and for now I'd like you to put yourself first and do all you can to look after yourself. Your husband can't be your concern right now because of his downright refusal to deal with what he says happened to him, as well as the drug use. He's also now abusing you by threatening to leave if you don't keep quiet. You have PND and I think you'd be entirely justified in saying to yourself and him - I'm saving myself.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 01-Jun-16 07:23:10

Which drug is he taking?

Did his BF tell you because it's getting out of control.

What happened to him is truly awful and it would of course be in his best interest to get help but he's not the only person you need to think about.

I would never say that if you were just having a rough time because he's not dealing with being raped.

But a possible drug addiction is something you cannot have around your dc.

He doesn't know you are aware of the drug use, is that right?

Perhaps it's time to tell him in a non-confrontational way.

Tell him that what happened to him was horrendous and not his fault. That he has done nothing wrong and has nothing to feel ashamed of.

But you cannot put your dc through having an addict in their home. You cannot risk their safety or well being, and he shouldn't want that either.

It's time for him to get some serious help or you'll have no choice but to seperate so your dc are in a healthy, safe environment.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 01-Jun-16 07:24:50

If you don't tell someone your marriage will be ruined anyway.

mostlyrain Wed 01-Jun-16 07:50:40

My BF is coming over and I'm going to talk to her. His BF told me that it isn't a habit or regular but how do I know that? Just to paint a picture, he's in a professional career, is going to work everyday, playing sport at the weekend, maintaining family life but all with this other stuff going on. I think his rationale for doing it is to keep going with work/life rather than the attack (according to his BF who doesn't know about the attack). He's gone to work now. I can't go along pretending everything is ok. I feel like I'm going to crack.

mostlyrain Wed 01-Jun-16 07:51:16

It's cocaine. I'm so naive I don't even know where he'd get it from!

arsenaltilidie Wed 01-Jun-16 08:10:44

FFS he has been abused. Some of these comments are outrageous, if sexes were reversed depression or no depression, no one would suggest the husband to leave his wife and have “time apart”

It's absolutely not your place to tell anyone, respect his choice and be there for him.

He needs help and your role as his partner is to be there for him and make his life easier until he gets the help he needs.

I know its difficult to feel betrayed with him hiding his drug use. But remember he is trying to numb his feelings and come to term with what happened to him.
Stop making it about how you feel betrayed because it doesn't help anyone. If anything it's just further pushes him further away.
Your marriage must be very strong for him to tell you what happened to him. Because hand on my heart I dont think most men would tell their DP.

If DW was sexually abused and a few months later I discover she is using class A drugs, the last thing I will be thinking about is myself. This is not the time to feel betrayed and deceived.
You should be creating a safe non judgemental environment for him.
Outside your house society is full of judgemental people especially when it comes to sexual abuse. He doesnt need any more pressure coming from home too.

thedogdaysareover Wed 01-Jun-16 08:14:42

Well said arsenal

notonyurjellybellynelly Wed 01-Jun-16 08:24:10

The OP has PND and children who rely on her. In my mind right now she's more important than someone who isn't willing to get help. She needs a safe environment and to be well. This is not all about her husband.

guinnessgirl Wed 01-Jun-16 08:24:47

Yy arsenal. Whatever happened to 'in sickness and in health' and 'for better, for worse'?

OP, I am so sorry you're going through this. It might not happen quickly, but your DH will, at some point, need some counselling or professional help to process what happened to him. Sorry if I've missed this but have you suggested this to him? flowers

notonyurjellybellynelly Wed 01-Jun-16 08:28:13

Yy arsenal. Whatever happened to 'in sickness and in health' and 'for better, for worse

The OP's husband needs to remember that as well as he's the one currently threatening to leave. She's being emotionally abused by her husband who has no interest right now in getting help for himself.

notonyurjellybellynelly Wed 01-Jun-16 08:29:10

Sorry if I've missed this but have you suggested this to him

Its there in the OP.

notonyurjellybellynelly Wed 01-Jun-16 08:30:20

OP, I wish you well and I'll repeat once more that this is not all about your husband. Its also about you and your wellbeing.

I hope things improve for you. flowers

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