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help me get my head around this(7 Posts)
Been married to DH for 7 years - 3 DC. On the whole marriage is good and happy. I do often feel a bit taken for granted etc and it's almost impossible to get some time together without the children. However these are issues that most couples face.
Last Thursday I went out with work and has far to much to drink. Got chatting to a guy and there was a real spark. Ended up kissing him but I very quickly stopped as I knew it was a terrible thing to do.
We must have exchanged numbers (I don't remember) as I got a message from him over the weekend checking I was ok. I replied yes and apologised for giving him the wrong impression etc.
I know what I did was awful and I feel very guilty. However what worries me more is that I cannot stop thinking about this other guy and what it would be like to start messaging him. My sensible side tells me this is because he made me feel attractive and wanted and therefore just leave it. But there is this part of me that cannot stop thinking about him.
I know this is totally wreck less behaviour and will only lead to trouble and hurt for my DH and family but my mind is tormenting me.
So indeed that absolute kick up the arise to tell me just how foolish I am being
You know the reasons for why it happened. You know texting him is tempting, so remove the temptation - delete his number, block him. If you want to work on it with your husband, then start to talk to him about feeling taken for granted, date him again. It is all about effort, any relationship can get stuck in a rut. You made a mistake and you realise this, you just have to let your head win and take practical steps not to be in contact with this other man. That is if you want to work on it with your husband. Take this as your wake up call and don't throw your marriage away over another man you barely know.
Think about what you did at the weekend. Remember chatting to this other guy, starting to flirt a bit,maybe putting your hand on his arm, laughing, moving closer to him. Moving closer and kissing. Giving him your number. Now imagine it is your partner doing those things with a single,attractive woman. Doe it make you feel sick? Hurt? Heartbroken? That's how your partner would feel if he knew. Do you want to be responsible for making him feel that way?
When you think about messaging him, think about what you would write.
Now, imagine your partner seeing those messages. How would he feel, reading them? Do you want to be responsible for that?
It's natural to occasionally be attracted to someone else. You made a mistake by exchanging numbers with this guy and kissing him. What you do now is a very conscious choice and will have consequences for your whole life. Even if your partner never found out, how would you feel, knowing you were betraying his trust? Is it worth risking your relationship and your family unit for? If, after you've thought about all that, the pull is too much, the temptation too great to resist, then perhaps your relationship isn't as strong as you have been telling yourself. If that's the case, you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest about the way you feel.
I think you do love your partner and you don't want to hurt him. If so, draw a line under what happened, delete this other guys number, change yours if he contacts you again and don't let this happen again.
If you're feeling unappreciated, talk to your partner about it. Make time for each other without the children - going out together is great but if you can't get a sitter, have a night in together once the kids are in bed with a bottle of wine and take away.x
Thank you both for your replies - everything you say rings true and makes so much sense.
I've spent the last few days trying to picture DH doing the same thing with another women and yes it would hurt. The idea of him reading a message and the consequence of that is dreadful I know.
On reflection the excitement of the other man is tied up in a lot of other unhappiness in my life. I am almost verging on some sort of breakdown at work through stress, we have no family support nearby and so life can be a bit monotonous. Also during our conversation this man made me feel a bit sexy and fun again - I crave that feeling. Although I know deep down that a chat in a bar is almost an act, and quite rightly, he could have done that again over the weekend
I'm mostly shocked at my feelings though in all of this.
I don't think you should be shocked at your feelings, you are doing ok, you are showing self awareness, I think you have taken on board the advice of the previous posters and you seem to be getting real over this. You are aware of other life stressors and how you could have been thinking of escapism as a bit of a relief from that. I think tackle this work issue, you maybe have a stress problem not a relationship problem. Stress is terrible for self esteem and libido. Is there a way that you can relieve the pressure of therefore situation at all? Change jobs? Make yourself feel better as a priority and then this will naturally spill over into your marriage, change what you are able to change. What can you change about your life right now?
Ok, delete the number now. Otherwise next time you feel a bit tipsy or a bit low the temptation will be there.
Now...let's address the stress at work issue. What is happening there? Why are you feeling so stressed?
I think the kissing of Mr Sexy is just a smoke screen, what else is going on in your life?
I am in the process of resigning from my job - it's tricky though as very senior clinical role.
My DH has been really supportive of this lately, he has realised that I am at a breaking point and has finally supported me by agreeing I can quit. I need to find a job though it's not possible financially for me to not work for any given time.
You are so right, I just want an escape route from my current life and situation the other night allows me to create a fantasy in my head...can't believe I'm considering actions that would tear my life apart on the back of a few hours of flirting and a what's app message.
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