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When red flags aren't really red

(370 Posts)
Hiphopopotamus Tue 31-May-16 19:32:07

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

DoreenLethal Tue 31-May-16 19:37:03

I can identify because I was in an abusive relationship that escalated when I didn't obey.

But now, and for many many years since, I have been in relationships where the care doesn't seep into control.

Shallishanti Tue 31-May-16 19:37:43

no, sorry, that's controlling behaviour
what would happen if for example you had a dress you really liked and wanted to wear but he thought it 'revealing'?
people who respect you might offer an opinion IF ASKED but don't tell you what to wear

Costacoffeeplease Tue 31-May-16 19:38:27

No - my husband would never tell me what I could or couldn't wear, or keep track of me

CharlotteCollins Tue 31-May-16 19:41:38

Control is the key word. Is he frequently in contact because he wants to know where you are, what you're doing? That would be motivated by control. Or is it just a random text that gets no response and he worries?

43percentburnt Tue 31-May-16 19:45:02

Telling you what to wear is a red flag.

What would happen if you wore the offending item anyway?

monkeywithacowface Tue 31-May-16 19:45:14

That's not a good relationship, it will only escalate you'll be back here in 5 years time wanting to leave but not knowing how.

I'm not sure in what context being told what to wear and being obliged to be in contact at all times is OK or normal.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Tue 31-May-16 19:47:01

Why doesn't he like you wearing anything revealing in public?

I can't think of a single explanation you could give for that which would make him look ok...

Trills Tue 31-May-16 19:47:39

He doesn't like you wearing anything revealing in public?

If it was him hating green or having an aversion to anything asymmetric I'd say fair enough for him to express a preference, but being against things that are "revealing" is not a style preference, it is an issue of ownership.

Zaurak Tue 31-May-16 19:47:44

It doesn't sound good to me.

HeffalumpHistory Tue 31-May-16 19:48:14

No. I'm sorry but that is completely controlling.
That's some red flags there. Not out of context, not another colour...

What would happen if you didn't do what he wanted?

bucketsandaceofspades Tue 31-May-16 19:48:16

No, I think those red flags are pretty red, actually.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 31-May-16 19:49:13

I sort of got the thing about contact - yeah we all might wonder if we text dh and he doesn't respond as per his usual pattern - but worry? Hmmmm

He TELLS you what to wear? That isn't normal, at all BUT I do discuss my dh clothing choices with him blush and tell him what suits him and what isn't really his colour

You talk about respect and clothing choices - now if I was going to wear a mini skirt and a boob tube to go into town my dh might mention that but a normal skirt he would offer only compliments

I think you are being hoodwinked here - your dh paints his control as concern and love, you have fallen for it or like it as it makes you feel secure

Zaurak Tue 31-May-16 19:49:15

And unless you're covered in national front tattoos, there's no justification for him not liking you wearing anything revealing in public.
You may not want to hear it, but your husband sounds controlling and yes, those flags are red.

Hiphopopotamus Tue 31-May-16 19:51:56

Thanks for the responses so far.

He likes to know where I am - our relationship is fairly long distance at the moment, though we used to live nearby. He likes to be able to picture what I'm doing and where I am. Plus he does worry if he can't get hold of me when I haven't told him I'm going to be out of contact.

The clothes thing - if I bought a dress I loved that he found far too revealing, I wouldn't wear it out. I might keep it and wear it when I was just with him. He doesn't like other men to be able to see parts of me that he thinks only he should. I indulge him in this and respect it.

Hiphopopotamus Tue 31-May-16 19:52:57

Just to clarify - he is my partner, not my husband, but we are planning to marry.

Hiphopopotamus Tue 31-May-16 19:53:57

To me it seems more that I let him control the things that are important to him. We genuinely do have a very loving and equal relationship.

Trills Tue 31-May-16 19:55:01

He doesn't like other men to be able to see parts of me that he thinks only he should.

What parts are these? If they are parts that would usually be covered by a bikini, then that's just common decency.

Trills Tue 31-May-16 19:55:38

And what do you control about his life?

CalleighDoodle Tue 31-May-16 19:56:42

My husband told me this weekend that he loved that id kept my dress on in the evening rather than being in pjs by 7pm He would not tell me to keep my dresses on in the evening. See the difference?

plimsolls Tue 31-May-16 19:58:05

I personally find the clothing thing a bit odd (I'd be hmm if my oh told me not to wear something) but I think I understand the question you are asking even if I don't agree with the examples you've given.....

Is it like how sometimes you read threads or posts on here where posters openly advocate banning partners from having contact with females or having female friends because "it's inappropriate" (etc).... Even though controlling contact with people is seen as a red flag for abuse?

CalleighDoodle Tue 31-May-16 19:58:59

Do you usually have your nipples on display? Is that what he thinks only a husband should see? Because i agree with that! But i doubt thats the case...

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Tue 31-May-16 19:59:55

and how long are you allowed to be busy for?

I bet he knows to the minute when you are home/at work/on lunch....you try being busy when he expects you to be home and see how well that goes down.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Tue 31-May-16 20:00:19

OP you say you indulge his need for control.

What would happen if you didn't?

CharlotteCollins Tue 31-May-16 20:00:35

It's not equal! You may allow him to control aspects of your life.... He still chooses to relate to you in that dynamic! An equal partner wouldn't want to treat you like his child.

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