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Strange Relationship Between PILs and DH

(8 Posts)
YumBountyChoc Tue 31-May-16 18:51:53

I'm not really sure what I want out of this post but just trying to get my head around this weird relationship.

DH and I have been married nearly a month now, and have lived together for a year.

PILs seem pretty normal to me, they're in their late 40s (MILs 50 later this year), they have a nice house, decent jobs, 2 dogs and a teenage daughter who still lives at home (off to Uni next year). They've always been lovely to me; talk to me, invite me to family events, buy me Christmas and birthday presents, and are fantastic grandparents to my 11month old DD - looking after her once a week, having her overnight occasionally, spoiling her but also sticking my boundaries, in fact they're the complete opposite of my own mum who never makes the effort.

Thing is DH doesn't see it that way. He barely speaks to them and won't ask perfectly normal questions as he says it's not the done thing in his family.

For example, FIL has been ill recently which resulted in a 5 day hospital stay over Easter, he's still not back at work. DH will never ever ask how he's getting on, worried he'll upset his mum or be told to mind his own business however whenever I ask I'm given details about blood test results and tablets he's taking (basically medical information). I always ask how MILs coping too, and offer to help - DH should be the one asking though.

While I was pregnant, he refused to ask his parents about any genetic conditions or diseases that could affect the pregnancy/baby through fear of upsetting them.

He's always worried about "just walking in" to PILs house, despite them telling us to walk in and us having a key, instead he always knocks and waits for the door to be answered letting himself get wet/cold instead of just walking in - I usually just walk in, particularly if they're expecting me and I have DD in her pushchair with me, I've never been told off or asked not to do so. They're not the type of people to hold back if you're doing something wrong/disrespectful.

Similarly he never goes round unless invited. He never asks to go round/spend time with them, and I'm sure if I wasn't here he'd never see them. It's not that he dislikes them or anything (otherwise I wouldn't push for a relationship) but more he just can't be bothered to make the effort with them.

I have to tell him every year when his parents birthdays are and cajole him into buying a card for them, the same with mothers/fathers day.

I just don't get it, why doesn't he want a relationship with them? From what I can tell he was brought up in a normal family, his sister and him aren't close but they get along and don't dislike each other. When we first got together in 2012 he's spend 24 hours at a time in his room, his parents would invite him to spend time with them; on outings or just watching tv and he always said no, preferring to stay in his room when not working, I really don't get it.

What's up with my DH? Or am I missing something about PILs?

AddToBasket Tue 31-May-16 20:38:01

We aren't going to be able to answer that question. You will need to ask him.

CantAffordtoLive Tue 31-May-16 20:58:46

As pp said, there is no way we can answer your question as the problem seems to lie entirely with your DH and his relationship with his DPs.

How is his relationship with you? Does he do these thing that you have highlighted with you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 31-May-16 21:08:54

What's his explanation?

Heyho111 Tue 31-May-16 22:44:35

Unless something has happened he sounds like he's having difficulty moving on from teenage mode and still acts like he is one with them. With boys this can last until they are 25yrs most boys come out of it by 21.

Gide Wed 01-Jun-16 00:12:50

Was there an incident or treatment of him of which you're not aware? Is he generally quite insular/finds it hard to find frinds and/or socialise?

Gide Wed 01-Jun-16 00:13:22


YumBountyChoc Wed 01-Jun-16 07:29:23

He's really good with me and DD, looks after me when I'm ill, texts when he's at work to ask how I am, he's the same with DD when she's ill. He knows what date DDs Birthday is and uses my birthday as a pincode at work so he doesn't forget - I know he's already bought me a present as its in a few weeks.

He's quite introverted but he's never struggled with making friends, he has a couple of friends he spends time with and sees regularly and then a few colleagues at work he sits with a lunch/talks to.

I suppose there could be an incident, but I've known him since he was 12 - he's 23 now - seems like the sort of thing he'd mention to me at some point.

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