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Impartial advice - Facebook, exes - am I being reasonable

(23 Posts)
Beren1 Tue 31-May-16 18:06:21

Simple one maybe, but I noticed a facebook conversation, on a public post, between my partner and someone I don't know. Seemed they know each other fairly well, not flirty, but jokey.
I asked who it was and it turns out it's an ex lover from uni days, 20 years ago... They went out for a few months, then split and stayed friends for rest of uni.
I wasn't happy as I think when in a relationship having exes on social media is a possible temptation in times of strife. Didn't make too much of deal of it but did a little looking back at posts and noticed that they have been liking each others profile pictures (virtually every one) for some months, and the odd little comment here and there.
I asked about this and said I thought it inappropriate, and was challenged back saying it's all public, no private messages, not seen them for 20 yrs, no flirting etc.
It's escalated, I feel I am being dismissed, my partner feels I am blowing things out of proportion.
Can't think straight... Help?

TheNaze73 Tue 31-May-16 18:30:21

If this post is genuine, I think you may have some issues. I don't see any problem with this other than your jealousy.

Tiggeryoubastard Tue 31-May-16 18:31:45

You sound jealous and controlling. That's your problem here. If this is true.

redgoat Tue 31-May-16 18:32:46

You're being jealous and over thinking things. Your partner must feel very suffocated.

When he hides things, then worry.

FeckinCrutches Tue 31-May-16 18:34:08

Totally your problem. I speak to various ex's on Facebook from 20+ years ago, I wouldn't think twice about it

SummerHouse Tue 31-May-16 18:35:57

I think you sound perfectly reasonable. I got a message from an ex in response to profile pic saying "you're looking well". I de- friended him. It just felt wrong. My DP is not on fb so would not have seen. But it felt like it was not fair to him. I have 100% confidence that neither of us would stray but its not about that. Not sure what the solution here is...

willconcern Tue 31-May-16 18:38:29

I am friends on FB with several exes, one I went out with the whole way through uni. I see no issue with that per set. Although I don't comment on his posts.

MummyBex1985 Tue 31-May-16 18:40:05

I have exes on my FB. I don't go through their profiles or like their photos though. I probably interact with them maybe once a year.

If the contact is reasonable and appropriate then I don't think it's a problem. If they're stalking and messaging each other then it probably is!

RusholmeRuffian Tue 31-May-16 18:40:21

I'm friends with several exes on social media and so is my partner. Total non issue.

Hellothereitsme Tue 31-May-16 18:42:07

Your jealousy is the issue here. If my art we told me I couldn't have any exs on my FB I would ignore him or tell him to stop being jealous. I'm an adult. I'm not going to jump into bed with every man that likes a post on FB. If I felt inclined to do that then there are serious problems in my relationship way beyond having exs on my FB.

jaffajiffy Tue 31-May-16 18:46:22

My ex used to comment on my stuff and my boyfriend didn't like it v much, but we talked about how it made him feel, and whole i left things as they were, I made sure never to seek out attention from the ex. The ex eventually tailed off and then left FB (or blocked me... Not sure... I only knew because looked years later). It would have been unreasonable of me not to listen to my boyfriend but would have been unreasonable of him to issue ultimatums or ask me to de friend. In my opinion. I'd be annoyed if your concerns weren't listened to. What's actually happened is not huge though.

holdontoyourbutts Tue 31-May-16 18:50:07

I'd have no problem with this. I'm friends with a couple of ex's on social media, we don't share private messages but I occasionally might 'like' or comment on a post. I've never even considered it an issue!

What do you mean when you say this has escalated? From what you've said I'd say your blowing it out of proportion.

leopardspice Tue 31-May-16 18:56:13

You have a jealousy issue. It's not as though your partner is planning a midnight rendezvous with said ex is it

Icanseeclearly Tue 31-May-16 18:59:04

My oh is friends with his ex wife on fb they occasionally like posts etc. They are a person from the past not their future.

I admit I'm probably a bit more laid back than some but 20 years and a relationship that lasted just a few months in uni... I'm afraid that's over thinking.

Minime85 Tue 31-May-16 19:11:01

So then he is at least 40 if he went straight to uni? I think as first responder said if this is genuine this is an overreaction. Surely at that age you aren't worrying over someone he was with in uni?

happypoobum Tue 31-May-16 19:13:27

Unless he has form for cheating you are overreacting.

Have you had issues with jealousy in the past?

Why are you worried about this?

TheFuckersBitingMe Tue 31-May-16 19:16:00

I don't think exes on Facebook are any more temptation than anyone else your DP might come into contact with. You either have trust or you don't. If you don't, there's no point carrying on with the relationship. And if you do, you won't mind them chatting to exes.

I stay in touch with two exes from Uni days. DH can't stand one but loves the other. No jealously, just life goes on and sometimes you can still quite like someone when a relationship ends.

Summerwalking16 Tue 31-May-16 19:18:58

Don't see a problem.

suspiciousofgoldfish Tue 31-May-16 19:29:25


Op don't get worked up about this. Imagine the DOZENS of other women he has slept with since then.....

Or, you know, don't.

plimsolls Tue 31-May-16 19:33:42

I think you're over-reacting.

You can't control everyone he has contact with who might be "temptation in times of strife"!

I know it's hard when you feel like your concerns are being dismissed but if I was your partner I would find it very difficult to know how to react to this in a way where you didn't feel dismissed, as to be honest I think it is unreasonable jealousy and I think you need to do something to address it, rather than relying on your partner to make it better. I think it's good that he's set a boundary.

Sorry. I hope you do feel better soon. Jealousy -whether irrational or not- is not a nice feeling

SandyY2K Wed 01-Jun-16 02:34:01

You aren't alone in feeling this way and for those who think 20 years is so long ago that nothing could happen, that's not the case.

Would your DH genuinely be okay if you had a similar friendship with an Ex? If he would , then I'd just leave it be.

Is she married or with someone?

whambamthankyoumaam Wed 01-Jun-16 11:56:14

Wow, not many supportive responses on here. I think things could turn from just jokey messages to flirty etc. I mean why do they need to talk after 20 years anyway? and why do they feel the need to like all of each others photos? I just find that odd, and not something someone in a relationship should need to do unless maybe they're looking for attention elsewhere.

I wouldn't be happy with it, but clearly I'm just a jealous person too wink

plimsolls Wed 01-Jun-16 13:55:15

whambam why would being in a relationship have anything to do with you liking/commenting on people's Facebook photos? FWIW, I'm in a relationship and regularly post, like and comment on Facebook. It's what it's there for!! It's not a dating site.

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