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Estranged father - contact or not?

(10 Posts)
thecakeisalie Tue 31-May-16 15:54:19

My parents divorced when I was 2 and the last time I had contact with my father was when I was 3. I had a good childhood and didn't really grow up feeling like something was missing. I am now married with 3 kids of my own and I just keep wondering if I should contact him partly so he knows about his grandchildren. I know roughly whee he was living so I'm confident we could track him down.

I keep worrying I will regret not contacting him but equally I'm not really sure what I would want from him. I'm mostly just curious I think. I also worry about opening a can of worms and hurting my Mum.

I'm pretty sure he went on to marry again and possibly have kids so I could have half siblings. I just keep thinking he obviously doesn't want to know me otherwise he would have found me by now.

If i do contact him it would be because I figure i've got nothing to lose as I expect nothing from him. Anyone have any insight into situations like this? Is it better to regret not contacting him rather than putting myself in a position of potential rejection?

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 31-May-16 16:40:57

I think that you need to first figure out why you are contacting him.

I say this as you contradict yourself in your last paragraph.

thecakeisalie Tue 31-May-16 16:50:18

I'm sorry my post was a big rambling mess. I'm a bit under the weather today and it's an issue I'm all muddled up about on a good day.

I think the main reason would because I don't want to leave it too long and regret never finding him.

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 31-May-16 17:00:10

I think that if you are doing this initially for yourself, then you should find him.

I also think that you should let your DM know and find out what she thinks.

But go in with low expectations as you said he may not want to know you or he may want to know you but not be a GP to your children.

If he does reject you you will at least know what type of person he is.

SoleBizzz Tue 31-May-16 17:02:10

You really need to know that he might reject you. Maybe talk it over with your DM first?

concertplayer Tue 31-May-16 17:14:42

The fact that he has never tried to contact you himself speaks volumes.
Unless Dm used the kids as a warring point during the break up/
divorce.
Has Dm ever provided an explanation for the divorce ? Or a reason why
he is not in contact? Could she have made it difficult for him?
Def discuss with Dm but be aware anything she says may be from
the point of view of a wife not a child. eg he cheated is an effect on her
but he was an abusive drunkard would impact on the kids.
Could be just was a short relationship so he thought he would just
go off and make another family. Then as time went on it got more
difficult for him to make contact.

thecakeisalie Tue 31-May-16 17:58:37

My dm has always said it was my choice and has never stood in the way. I said I would wait until I was 18 and decide then. I think the fear of rejection and almost a bit of anger towards him has held me back. I want to know his side of things but part of me wonders how you can just walk away from your child. That thought has only deepened since having my own children and knowing their father would never just walk away from them.

The back story is they were married but my dm had cold feet about the whole thing. I was conceived, accidently, shortly after they were married. He worked away a lot and things just didn't work out for them. When they split dm moved us away and she says he kept missing arranged contact. He hasn't paid child support for most of my life and there has been some dispute over that. He sent birthday cards for a few years but that stopped when I was young. I wonder if there is more to it but I haven't dug to deeply as it doesn't seem like there is much more to tell. He wasn't abusive from what I'm aware.

concertplayer Tue 31-May-16 18:26:48

I had a friend whose mother did not want her at birth and so she was
brought up by paternal grandparents. She looked up her mother years
later and it only confirmed the abandonment. Sad for her.
Another looked up her father. He had a new partner and basically she
came first. He would blame Dm and Dm would blame him so
effectively she ended up the same as when they had separated
ie parents fighting years later
The thing is your father will not know you so it will be like meeting
a stranger.

thecakeisalie Tue 31-May-16 19:12:32

Oh trust me I am not expecting some teary eyed reunion where we hug and all the missed years are forgotten. I'm just curious about him and my extended family. I think you are right that it could just result in more heartache. Just wonder how I will feel if I found out he had died and I'd missed my opportunity.

britmodgirl Tue 31-May-16 21:31:10

On the other hand.....
I have a friend who did this & it worked out really well.
He was depressed and felt he could offer her nothing for most of her life as time went on it became harder.
She made contact and over the past few years they've been building on their relationship.
It has been really positive for them both.

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