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Is my life boring or just normal??

(115 Posts)
majorcrowdpleaser Tue 31-May-16 14:56:13

Sorry if this drags out a bit. I am 43 and not sure if this is a mid-life crisis thing but for the last couple of years I can't help but think my life has become so dull and destined to get more boring!

I adore my husband and we have been together for 26 years, have 2 children who we love and are obviously our lives, I live a nice house in a lovely area. We don't live a flashy life but aren't overly struggling either.

I have been a SAHM for the last 8 years. I would love to go back to work but I am not qualified in anything( having always worked in office admin) so I would either have to retrain for something (don't have the money for that and dh would'nt pay for it anyways) or take a job which will probably only pay min wage and by the time I pay for childcare it may not be worth working?!

As a couple we never really go out much perhaps 3-4 times a year at the most. DH makes all the fininacial decisions and whenever I come up with ideas which involves spending any money he will more often than not say we can't afford it (He saves ALOT as he has this fear of not having enough money when he retires!!). I am always asking him to take the odd day off just so we can have a day together but he never does even though he gets 30 days annual leave (He does take time off to have family breaks in our caravan).

I need to bring my inlaws into this because imo they are the most boring people in the world and I can't help but think dh is trying to base his life on theirs. They never spend any money (even though they have saved loads over the years) or go anywhere, MIL makes her own clothes, cuts her own hair, never wears make up or buys anything for herself. I can't help but think my life is slowly morphing into theirs and that scares the shit out of me!

DH did so much more when he was younger, he no longer wants to do anything, he would always spend an evening down the pub with his mates once a week but now prefers to watch tv every evening.

My parents have noticed this change over the years and ask if he is depressed or down. He isn't, I just believe this is the way he wants to live these days.

I feel that we are just parents these days when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate. I know he loves me and he is still affectionate.

How can I get some zing back into our lives when I have a husband who can't really see anything has changed??

timelytess Tue 31-May-16 14:59:31

Divorce him?
How old are your children?
He's stifling you - so what's your escape plan?

NoahVale Tue 31-May-16 15:01:32

make a life for yourself
go out to evening classes or something, anything.

go to the caravan with your dc without him if he wont go

NoahVale Tue 31-May-16 15:02:39

can you work when he is at home? so you at least have some independent money.
if not,work and pay for child care, you will at least get your foot in the door and get more money once dc at school?

Stripeybetty Tue 31-May-16 15:02:55

That is no life. I would seriously reconsider my marriage. You only have one life and it's for living.

Savagebeauty Tue 31-May-16 15:04:01

God that's dull. You go out 3 or 4 times a year?
Don't you go out with Friends yourself?
I would be totally depressed living like that.

PiledUpPenguins Tue 31-May-16 15:06:07

Sit down and talk to him about how you feel. Don't place blame, just let him know you are bored and feel trapped. Maybe suggest a hobby you could learn together.

I could not cope with a partner who controlled the money. I work but when I took time off for maternity etc I spoke to my husband about my fear of feeling the money was his because he had earned it. We agreed that I was taking time off for the whole family and he was earning for the whole family and I had as much right to make financial decisions as he had rights to make decisions about the children. We have always had a joint account and both our wages go in there and we both have equal access and neither of us justify our spending to the other. Could you suggest a similar arrangement?

BeautifulMaudOHara Tue 31-May-16 15:08:37

Have you talked to him? It sounds awful, it's no life and you're still young.

Iiwy I'd get a job and start doing what I wanted to do, plus talking to him and expecting things to change.

BeautifulMaudOHara Tue 31-May-16 15:09:21

(It's not my definition of normal btw)

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 31-May-16 15:09:52

Earn your own money. Spend it on fun with friends.

What's wrong with office admin? There are loads of jobs in that. You can climb the management ladder. Get loads of training from a big corporate company you go to work for. Expand your skills and experience by working for a small company where everyone pitches in.

If DH is happy with his life then he can carry on. If you are unhappy, you have to change things up, but it isn't fair to expect him to change personality. The money thing seems key. Get your own.

Childcare costs should be seen as shared expenses. Why should a career for you be optional?

seeyounearertime Tue 31-May-16 15:10:07

DH makes all the fininacial decisions and whenever I come up with ideas which involves spending any money he will more often than not say we can't afford it

Do you have access to the bank avccounts?
If you have and you spent money without his authorisation, what would he do?

I couldnt live like that i'm afraid.

PiledUpPenguins Tue 31-May-16 15:12:52

I forgot to answer your question about whether your life is normal. Normal is different to everybody and I am sure there are others who go out v v little but it's not normal as far as my peers are concerned. DH and I go out together about once a week and we each go out without the other by with friends about once a week. Most weekends we visit friends one day and have friends visit us the other day. We go away as a family 3x a year and we each have one weekend away with friends 1x a year. We have a weekend away together each year on our anniversary. I would feel utterly belittled if he ever called me "Mum."

You don't have to answer this but ask yourself whether your sex life is fulfilling. If it is then that's a strong plus for your relationship. But if you are staying home and never even having good sex then that's not good at all.

LadyLapsang Tue 31-May-16 15:20:19

It seems you expect your husband to give you permission to change but he won't, you need to change things for yourself. Even if it's difficult for you to get paid work at the moment you could still meet new people and learn skills through voluntary work. In about 10 years your children may both have left home, you will be in your early 50s; what then?

LoveArtDeco Tue 31-May-16 15:22:05

Thanks it sounds normal to me. Well apart from the calling you mum that's weird and I earn my own money.
Neither of us go out because we don't really have friends locally and we do go for weekends away a lot bur mostly with the kids. I usually have 1 weekend away with friends from home and we might have one child free weekend away together. Much prefer to stay in of an evening, I must be very boring oh well grin

LoveArtDeco Tue 31-May-16 15:22:55

Should say that sounds normal to me.

cosytoaster Tue 31-May-16 15:24:30

Is my life boring or just normal??

Sorry, I'm going to have to go with boring. How old are your children? I'd be looking for a job, if I were you and maybe thinking about an evening class or something. Just because he wants to sit home impersonating his parents doesn't mean you have to.

Cabrinha Tue 31-May-16 15:26:33

Of course it's worth working!
And it sounds like you haven't even done the sums.
If you've been a SAHM for 8 years then at least your eldest is school aged, if not both. Go cost the childcare.
Childcare comes from BOTH salaries.
But even if it was exactly equal to your income, you have a chance to progress, childcare will decrease in time and you WANT to work.
Don't forget to allow for the tax break of using childcare vouchers when you look at costs.

Far more worrying than anything else in your posts is that clearly your husband makes all the decisions. That's not right.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 31-May-16 15:29:37

Get going yourself. Join clubs.. Take up classes.Go out with friends, off for weekends.If ye have savings your dh shouldmnt be able to stop you spending money on a course.. Put your foot down. Its up to you to make life exciting for yourself. But you should have access to the money. Do something..

BirthdayBetty Tue 31-May-16 15:30:35

Christ that does sound dull. Are you happy? If not change it.

firesidechat Tue 31-May-16 15:32:47

I feel that we are just parents these days when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate. I know he loves me and he is still affectionate.

Blimey, I would hate that with a passion - it's so unsexy isn't it? Mums are loving and caring to those who call them mum, they aren't sexy or desirable. I mean they are, but not to their children who are the only ones who should call them mum. I would nip that one in the bud straight away.

Whisky2014 Tue 31-May-16 15:36:35

I'm also going with boring but... you can change this!!

Just because your husband doesn't wanna do anything doesn't mean you can't.
He can't stop you buying things or going on holiday etc. If only he has access to bank cards, his funds etc then this is financial abuse.

purplebud Tue 31-May-16 15:38:02

You should have a say over what happens in your life too. After 8 years at home a part- time job at least would be a bit if a change? Would he support you in that? You sound as though you could do with a bit of financial independence.

PirateFairy45 Tue 31-May-16 15:42:23

You sound in a rut and DH is keeping you there.

If you're in the UK you can apply for a government funding loan. Basically it's so you can go back to college and learn a new trade. It's called 24+ learning loan.

Learn a new trade and make you're own money to spend on what you like, having fun. Isn't that what life is about?. Yeah it's full of shit stuff but you've got to have a little fun otherwise what the hell is the point!

happypoobum Tue 31-May-16 15:46:14

How old are the DC? It sounds like you are in a real rut and that you are expected to play the little wifey at home.

Do you not have any friends you can go out with?

Get a part time job for starters, and remember as you are married, everything is joint, including all the money DH is squirrelling away for when he retires. No need for your wage to cover all the childcare costs, it should all be joint. Do you have access to bank account etc? It all sounds very old fashioned to me ( and I am in my fifties.)

stopfuckingshoutingatme Tue 31-May-16 15:47:27

three words. GET A JOB

you say :I would love to go back to work but I am not qualified in anything( having always worked in office admin)

Office admin is not minimum wage, and its a place to start. dust off the CV , as if you want to change your life you need to be financially a bit more viable

also, can you develop a social life with mates? Join a club/do something without your boring DH?

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