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pain of my affair hitting me all over again

(23 Posts)
steamtrainderailed Tue 31-May-16 13:17:24

I'm a regular here and last year/ early this year I posted about a affair I ended up in.

Recap is 3 years ago first day in new job I met a guy who worked there, total fireworks and chemistry moment for both of us, nothing happen to begin then he left our place of work ) contractor) and took my number, we texted regularly guess was a little flirty and suddenly one day I get a call form a lady saying she is his partner, as far as I was aware he was single and we had no more contact from that point on! that was the end of it until a year later when he returned to my work and basically started chasing me, we used to go out in groups and slowly that developed into us spending time alone, he told me he was unhappy, he wanted me etc etc

Despite knowing it was wrong I ended up in a affair with him, I believed him when he said he loved me and was leaving, I was head over heels for him!

Towards the end of last year his gf found out, as he requested I didn't talk to her at all and gave her no info regards our affair and from the day it came out he totally cut me out of his life he just ignored me totally st work and I never heard from him again.... I was in peices, heartbroken and ended up in anti d's

Then March this year he injured himself and has been off work so I haven't seen him and I was finally feeling better until Friday just gone when he arrived back at work, he actually spoke to me a bit and besides the general politeness I just ignore him like he did to me but seeing him again as brought all those feelings back!

I'm upset all over again, I'm angry at him for all the things he said and clearly didn't mean and I'm upset that he is everything I thought he wasn't!

Jan45 Tue 31-May-16 13:29:25

Sorry no sympathy from me OP, you knowingly got involved with a man with a girlfriend and it turns out surprise surprise that's he's really no great catch.

I'd work on why you think think having sloppy seconds is good enough for you and I'd vow to stay away from men involved in relationships, your story is such a cliche.

You should be glad he ignored you, he's a cunt, if you go back with him then so are you. No idea why you are even giving him the time of day.

PPie10 Tue 31-May-16 13:31:08

Well why are you angry with him when you were an equally willing participant in the affair. You were made aware initially he was in a relationship so why did you choose to pursue this when he came back again? He didn't make you do anything you didn't want as well.
Sounds like you both do actually deserve each other.

steamtrainderailed Tue 31-May-16 13:34:54

Your right I did know he was involved and should of stay away until he made himself available and honestly I tried and I stupidly believed him when he said he was leaving etc etc.

I think I worded that last bit wrong, I don't give him the time of day at all I ignore him totally, the only time I actually do speak to him is if I have to occasionally answer a work related question and then it's just a one word answer, he is the one who tries to talk to me a bit more and I totally blank and remove myself from the situation

Just finding it hard again after feeling like I came a long way it moving on and learning from this

Jan45 Tue 31-May-16 14:13:18

Why would you NOT ignore him, sounds like he played you like a fiddle, I just don't understand how any person can have sex with another knowing they are in a relationship - it's just icky and nasty.

He's probably sniffing around cos he fancies another shag, he gave you nothing else.

TheNaze73 Tue 31-May-16 14:35:30

The bit I don't get, is that you're angry with him? You should be angry at yourself for showing yourself no self respect

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc Tue 31-May-16 14:40:24

Are you upset because he was the love of your life or are you upset because you feel rejected that he chose someone else over you?

He's not a good man, move on.

SandyY2K Tue 31-May-16 14:56:15

Unfortunately you caused yourself this pain and suffering, which could have easily been avoided. Initially you didn't know he was with someone but after she told you, your actions showed you didn't give a damn about her and wanted what you wanted.

Just because you fancy a man doesn't mean he's the one for you. Next time wait until the man is single before taking it further or you'll be in for a heap of heartbreak.

Cabrinha Tue 31-May-16 15:32:07

I just turn off the second I read "ended up in".
Try - chose to be in
Then I might be sympathetic about why you made bad choices. But FFS, own what you did.
"Ended up in" - pffffft hmm

SandyY2K Tue 31-May-16 15:50:23

Whilst I don't support your choices, I'm going to private message you with a link for a site for TOW (the other woman).

You'll get support from others who made the same choices you did and you'll find the stories are pretty much all the same. The same lies from the MM, who says he's unhappy and is leaving his wife.

The support should help you not go down that route again.

loobyloo1234 Tue 31-May-16 16:11:20

Learn from this and move on. I have been - unfortunately - in your situation. Broke my heart, difference is, I had no idea he was in a relationship to start with. By time I found out, I was in deep

Had to break it off for my own sanity. You will be ok - however can't you leave and get a new job somewhere else? I went with the block from my life and move on route. The best way

Isetan Tue 31-May-16 18:22:51

If his absence was helping you get over him, have you considered changing jobs? Just like getting involved with this player was your responsibility, so is doing what you need to do to get over him. Stop acting like the wronged woman, you aren't. You're just another silly/deluded woman who thought that her vagina had magic powers, which could turn a cheat into a respectable human.

Enough with the pity party and start being proactive.

Oddsocksgalore Tue 31-May-16 18:26:01

Enough with the pity party inde d.

NeatSoda Tue 31-May-16 18:36:05

You're just another silly/deluded woman who thought that her vagina had magic powers

Urgh. That's such a crude and misogynistic take on this situation. Where does the OP even imply that? Or are you just throwing that is as some woman hating addition to the discussion?!

OP, affair or not, you have my sympathy. Not nice to be rejected, finally get your feelings under control and then have them all brought back up again. The thing is, at least you know you can and you will feel better.

Artistic Tue 31-May-16 20:26:06

I can totally sympathise with you. I can understand where you were and where you are now. It really hurts. Especially the silence...and the rejection - without any apology or explanation. And just when you think you've built yourself up again, here he is to shatter you to pieces again. Probably his gf/ partner has left him and he's looking to see if you will still give him a chance? Tempting as it may be, please don't. Because what he's done to you will always hurt. I won't even comment on why you did it. Anyone who's ever been there knows - it just happens and no logic can ever stop it, not until someone finds out, and someone breaks the other's heart. Hugs to you, stay strong, stay focussed.

JonesTheSteam Tue 31-May-16 20:46:24

Struggling to find sympathy I'm afraid.

You chose to have an affair. It isn't something that you 'ended up in'. hmm

If you felt anger towards yourself for your selfish behaviour shagging a man who was already involved elsewhere, maybe I'd muster up some sympathy for you.

But your anger is all directed at him. Like you had no free will. Find some self-respect and a backbone; realise the part you had to play in this and get some counselling to work out why you made such appalling choices. Until you admit that you chose to do this horrible thing, and stop blaming this man for everything, I suspect you'll moon after him for a long time, or repeat the behaviour with someone else.

I'll reserve my sympathy for his girlfriend, who must have felt so devastated when she discovered the affair had restarted. Poor woman...

SooticaTheWitchesCat Tue 31-May-16 22:14:48

Sorry but I can never have any sympathy for the other woman.

AddToBasket Tue 31-May-16 22:36:20

If you felt anger towards yourself for your selfish behaviour shagging a man who was already involved elsewhere, maybe I'd muster up some sympathy for you.

Isn't all shagging selfish behaviour? God save us from the sympathy/pity shag.

Blaming other women is just another aspect of society chauvinism. Why on earth should his being 'involved elsewhere' reflect on the OP? It doesn't. If you treat people like adults then expect them to take responsibility for their own relationships - they don't need OW/OM to take responsibility too.

MaMaof04 Wed 01-Jun-16 12:15:44

''Why on earth should his being 'involved elsewhere' reflect on the OP?''
So in your code of behavior it is OK to go after men/women in relationships?
I have found it incredible that some women do support OW- putting all the blame on the man/woman. The cheating partner clearly got issues, boundaries or otherwise- but the OW/OM have no moral compass and must in fact review their approach to relationships; do they need the existence of the partner to validate the person they have an affair with? do they need his/her existence for comparisons purposes? do they think they can provide to the man/woman what his/her partner can't give him/her and hence break up their partnership and easily consolidate their affair into a steady relationship?
And you wonder whether their sisterhood solidarity or their mere human empathy work well- if they exist at all.
Like this standupist said:
Single women/men look not for a husband but for a single man/woman....

ijustwannadance Wed 01-Jun-16 12:26:14

I can't believe he told uou to never talk to his partner. Cheeky fucker.
You won't be the last op, he already knows that she won't leave him no matter how many other women he shags. Be thankful you're not stuck with him and move on. Lesson learned.

lifesablessing Wed 01-Jun-16 14:52:30

Why did he tell you not to talk to her again? You say the gf found out the first time and you still went back for more, did you think she wasn't on the scene again it is that what he told you.

If you willingly started a second affair knowing he was still with his gf then you really have no right to feel anything but guilt and shame. Put yourself in her shoes....

CoolforKittyCats Wed 01-Jun-16 14:58:12

Struggling to find sympathy I'm afraid.

Me too. You had an affair with him knowing full well he was in a relationship.

My sympathy is with his gf.

Isetan Thu 02-Jun-16 19:01:09

Urgh. That's such a crude and misogynistic take on this situation. Where does the OP even imply that? Or are you just throwing that is as some woman hating addition to the discussion?!

Please tell me why calling out the selfish stupidity of some women, women hating? Yes the analogy is crude but so is the simplistic self interest that some women employ to excuse colluding with some arsewipe to screw over their OH's. He could not have sold her the 'It's practically over/ she doesn't understand me' line, if she wasn't in the market to buy.

The OP can start taking steps to eliminate this player from her life permanently but that's unlikely to happen while she's assuming the role of wronged woman.

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