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Gosh that was hard - but go me!

(61 Posts)
Dollygirl2008 Tue 31-May-16 11:57:54

Just that really. First time that my DC met "the other family" (exP left me for a witch with 3 little witches 9 months ago). It was the first "meet" this weekend for my 6 year old in the park. Gosh it was hard. The "hour" turned into 3, but I tried to just remain calm and took that a sign that it was going well. However, am I slightly twisted and wrong to wish it hadn't? I almost think "why the hell should you have it easy" even though I'm sure its not.

It was horrible when she came home and told me about the public displays of affection between them.

I know I must sound bitter and twisted, but will I ever get over this almost self consuming feeling of wanted constant revenge for being left and hurt??????

hellsbellsmelons Tue 31-May-16 12:01:18

Yes you will get over it.
Not for a while yet though.
It's hard, it's tough, it hurts like hell.
The hatred you feel is hard to explain.
But with time you will mellow.
When he is run ragged by 4 kids on his days you can sit at home and chill out or go out with your friends or off to the cinema on your own.
You WILL be fine, just give it time!

InaMay Tue 31-May-16 12:01:38

"3 little witches" hmm

Time, OP. As with most things in life, this too shall pass.

FeckinCrutches Tue 31-May-16 12:05:07

'3 little witches?' Really? Why be so bitchy about children who have nothing to do with it?

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 31-May-16 12:07:10

Sounds awful for you but not really fair on the 3 little girls calling them that? Its not their fault and your little one will be much happier getting on with them than not.

DeathStare Tue 31-May-16 12:07:18

Please don't refer to the children as "3 little witches". They are children and did nothing at all wrong. How would you feel if you heard someone referring to your child in that way?

TheNewManAgain Tue 31-May-16 12:07:40

Well done :D x

Dollygirl2008 Tue 31-May-16 12:14:03

Apologies if I've offended anyone by my childish and unfair attempt at dark humour in a time when I struggle to even know whats fair or right anymore. Of course the children aren't witches - I don't even know them - and I would never use the term in front of my own DC who has a right to make her mind up. However, it's the smallest of details that get me through my days.

Thank you to those who saw through the mask of hurt enough to comment positively enough to keep me putting one foot in front of another rather than push me backwards. Mumsnet has been amazing getting me through these dark, horrible moments.

HuckfromScandal Tue 31-May-16 12:16:32

Really, it's on your ex and not on her!!
Why is it that the OW is so demonised, she wasn't in a relationship with you, she didn't have any commitment to you.....
I hate the fact that the OW is always the bitch in this scenario.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 31-May-16 12:17:01

I've seen a family member get eaten up with bitterness which lasted for years, making her ill, unhappy & losing a lot of friends. I know its very very hard for you but I think thinking the way you do is just going to eat you up inside rather than help you move on. Is there anyone professional you can speak to?

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 31-May-16 12:17:45

Huck I wholeheartedly agree. I don't understand that either.

HuckfromScandal Tue 31-May-16 12:20:56

And in my experience
Bitterness is liking holding a hot coal in your hand, and expecting the other person to get burned - and that never happens,
Let it go and move on, you don't want him anyway.
And with that much anger and bitterness, you are not allowing yourself to heal.

fastdaytears Tue 31-May-16 12:21:00

The witches are nothing to do with this, particularly not the little ones. You might think you DC hasn't heard you say that but she will pick up on things.

Your ex was a twat and is now hopefully trying to do the best he can to make it as ok as possible. If this is the first time they've met then at least he hasn't been too fast about it all as plenty of MN exes do.

It sounds like it went well and looking at things from your DC's perspective that's a great thing.

fastdaytears Tue 31-May-16 12:21:33

Huck lots of wisdom AND an amazing username

Dollygirl2008 Tue 31-May-16 12:24:10

sorry, perhaps I misunderstood - but when did I specifically demonise the OW? By calling her a witch? Crikey, if you are so vanilla that you've never resorted to a childish bit of name calling, then forgive me for being so horrendous. My issue is with both of them, and how the whole life changing even was done.

I just wanted a little bit of "gee-ing" up - but now I feel worse than ever and wish I'd never started this.

Thanks to some of you though.

fastdaytears Tue 31-May-16 12:27:55

I think the comment about demonising the OW was more widely meant than just your thread.

But calling her a witch isn't actually making you feel better. You asked for advice about letting go of bitterness and that was an obvious thing for people to pick up on.

And calling her children names, however indirectly, was never going to be well received.

HuckfromScandal Tue 31-May-16 12:34:22

I'm sorry if I have made you feel bad.
Not my intention.
But I stand by my comments.

You need to move forward, and down crying ow and her kids, doesn't do anything other than entrench your own bitterness.

Let it go.
Take yourself to the movies, go for a walk in the sunshine.
Buy yourself a coffee..

life your very best life and be awesome, because that's the best way to get over something like this...

And I have been there
My ex left me holding a 10 day old baby and a 3 year old.
I hold no bitterness. I am very happy with who I am.

VeryFoolishFay Tue 31-May-16 12:37:25

I know it's trite but time is a great healer; it's a truly horrible situation to be put in (I know) and you wouldn't be human if you didn't have a vent. But I do agree that holding onto bitterness long term will hurt you and not others. I remember finally getting this when I was nursing a similar injustice. I realised that they were never going to understand how terribly they'd behaved, let alone apologise - if they understood they would never have done it in the first place.

Try and put down the burden of injustice and concentrate on trying to do positive things for yourself. It won't be all love's young dream for ever! Dirty pants and electricity bills will prevail like they do for everyone. Even though it's not what you wanted, you will have little pockets of time just for you, so learn something new, treat yourself, etc and look forward. All best wishes.

mummytime Tue 31-May-16 12:38:56

The point people are trying to make is if you demonise the OW, you are deflecting blame from the one who really deserves it: your ex.

Yes look at the good things, you will get free time. So plan of things to do during that time for you, definitely not housework etc.
Also when they have your DD they will have to deal with 4 girls, when it's your turn you only have 1.

Be pleased when things are going well, because they probably won't always be.

Kidnapped Tue 31-May-16 12:39:49

I know you're hurt, OP.

And it is good that it went well and your daughter can come home and tell you all about it. The bad side is that you get to hear details of their public displays of affection, which you know, you would think they could hold off on as this is the first meeting between your child and hers. hmm

But of course they are not decent people. You know that. I also wonder how things will turn out with 4 kids when the new-relationship shine wears off. I suspect neither of them will be inclined to stick around.

The first big hurdle has been negotiated well by you and there will be other hurdles to overcome as time goes on. But you will be stronger then, and less invested in how he chooses to spend his time. Try to do something nice for yourself when your daughter is at her dad's and then you won't be clock-watching so much.

In the meantime, you are allowed to feel how you feel as long as it doesn't affect your daughter. Can't have him taking that away as well.

Good luck.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 31-May-16 12:42:29

OP I think your feelings are perfectly valid about the OW if your H left you for her. She must have known you and your DC existed, so of course she is not innocent in this situation.

Re her DCs - of course you know it's not their fault, but deep-seated anger and resentment can manifest on many ways, we're only human.

You're venting on an anonymous forum. If that helps you to take the high road in real life even through the hurt and resentment, then it's no bad thing.

Maybe you're resentful of the ow and also resentful of the children on behalf of your DC. I know I was, when my exH was spending more time with his new gf DC than he was with his own DC. My kids felt that and it really hurt them.

Of course you know the dcs are innocent in this, but doesn't stop the anger and hurt at the situation.

I agree though that directing the anger more at your ex will be more helpful in the long run. You'll realise you're better off without him.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 31-May-16 12:43:08

I think you handled it in an adult way. Go you Dollygirl smile
It will get easier.

happypoobum Tue 31-May-16 12:43:34

I understand how you feel OP, but actually, when PP are pointing out that it's not helpful to call OW and her children names, they are genuinely trying to help you.

You think it is helping you get over it but it isn't, it's just prolonging all the misery and bad feelings. I don't expect you to ever forgive him or her, but for your own protection you do need to be pointing yourself in the direction of indifference. I don't know how long it will take you to get there, but you need to at least be heading in that direction IYSWIM?

I can assure you it's much worse when DC don't like OW, it causes all kinds of issues. I agree with Huck you need to be really kind to yourself, do whatever you can to rebuild your self esteem, and before you know it, you really won't give a shit what they are doing.

One final thing, I have been in your DDs shoes, and I can never forgive my mother for all the interrogations she put me through and how awkward she made me feel about my visits to see my dad and OW, who was lovely to me. You mentioned their public displays of affection. It just made me wonder if you had questioned DD about this or if she had volunteered the info for some odd reason? Just be wary of being too inquisitive. Did you have a nice time is the only question needed.

I know it's hard bit it will get better. flowers

OurBlanche Tue 31-May-16 12:43:40

Dolly- get it all out here, anonymously... vent away. Nothing wrong with that at all. Your ex and his OW have, jointly, pulled your life apart. I have never understood why women here feel it is necessary to chastise other women for feeling bitter, angry, pissed off etc at both parties... even if that means innocents occasionally get verbally taken as collateral damage.

a) If you vent here you won't have to do it in real life
b) When you vent here you might find someone like me who will say, blurt it all out, take on a real conniption fit and get it all over and done with... read it back later
c) When you have read it back, choose to leave it lying here, on the page, you don't need to let their actions change who you are. Once blurted it is out of your system.

You know it is good that your dd will get on with The Witch and her Little'Uns, you know it will take a while for you to be able to stomach the Happy Family they appear to portray... but, if you can get all the bile out, you also know that, once the initial angst s over you could choose to let it all go. Live well, enjoy!

Good luck.

Kitsa Tue 31-May-16 12:46:46

Goodness leave her alone about the witches! Huck I'm sure she would love to get to the very best life place where you are but it doesn't happen instantly, does it?

That must have been so, so hard OP, I can't even imagine. The way you have managed it, letting it run as long as necessary, and listening to your daughter's comments about her dad's new partner without showing how it made you feel, are to your credit.

It is horrible to live with a wound that keeps being opened this way. One day you will stop feeling it so much, I promise.

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