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Please Help my friend, re the 'script'

(41 Posts)
IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 09:46:27

I'm writing on behalf of a friend.

She's been in a gradual increasing abusive relationship, controlling, EA, and now psychical.

Other other night she had to have the police remove him from the house. She's got bruises on her face and neck, doors have been pulled of there Hinge's.

Yesterday she knew it was all over, and he was told to leave, but..........

He's now so remorse full, he'll change, he'll do therapy, he'll give her the space she needs, because he loves her, and respects her.

She's now wavering.

They were living together, planning on getting married. There aren't any DC involved. He has his own place too.

She's happy to read the responses to this thread.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 31-May-16 09:51:03

Not yet married, no kids.... she needs to run for the hills now without looking back.

Jemmima Tue 31-May-16 09:54:15

Not sure this has much to do with "the script". The script is about the way people behave when they have started an affair, towards their DH/DW

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 09:55:04

I know, that's what I'm trying to help her with. But she so wants to believe he'll change.

sorry I'm the OP, but wrote this forgetting I'd changed my name last night, I'll ask MNHQ if the can Change my OP name.

WellWhoKnew Tue 31-May-16 09:57:26

Can you ask her to ring women's aid if she's in the UK? They are great at explaining the behaviour of the abusive man. You can also ring them for a chat about how to help your friend.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 09:57:44

Yes sorry, maybe not the 'script' but what abusers say or do when they want to keep the relationship, maybe whether anyone has manage to 'Change'

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 09:59:20

She rang them, three days before this happened. I've also said about her doing the freedom project.

WellWhoKnew Tue 31-May-16 10:00:29

0808 2000 247 if in England.

Doinmummy Tue 31-May-16 10:01:55

He will maybe send her flowers, he will be on his best behaviour for a while (until he gets his own way that is). He'll cry. He may even go as far as making an appt to see a counsellor. He may get a family member to call her and say what an emotional wreck he is and can she give him another chance.

SHE MUST NOT HAVE HIM BACK. HE WILL NOT CHANGE

MrsKCastle Tue 31-May-16 10:02:08

Physical aggression almost always escalates and any form of strangulation is one of the worst red flags possible. (I presume that's how her neck got bruied?)

As you say, the 'I'll change, I'll do therapy' is textbook abuser behaviour. He will probably be on his best behaviour for a while, extra loving and attentive. But the abusive behaviour will start again and it will escalate.

Ask your friend to read the Lundy Bancroft book and maybe take a look at some of the relationship threads on here.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 10:05:58

She just said it all well reading this, but it's the emotions, the fact she loved him.

She can't believe, that people are the same, she wants to believe that there is some small static were people do change.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 10:06:46

*Loves not loved

diddl Tue 31-May-16 10:11:53

"Other other night she had to have the police remove him from the house. She's got bruises on her face and neck, doors have been pulled of there Hinge's."

Why would she want to ever risk that happening again?

She might love him, but he most certainly does not love her!

DoreenLethal Tue 31-May-16 10:14:32

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

She might want to read the above.

So, she loves him. But she doesn't really. She loves what he pretends to be. The real him is an abusive violent cunt. She should be running for the hills.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 10:16:38

She feels that's not true, she feels he does love her. But he has issues which he has now said he will get help for.

I know, I know I'm just as frustrated, which is why I'm asking for help here

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 10:17:28

I made her read that before I posted.

Baconyum Tue 31-May-16 10:19:02

Think you actually mean cycle of abuse

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

BloomingAzalea Tue 31-May-16 10:19:15

She needs to tell herself repeatedly she is worth much more than this. Is she going to wait until he's knocked all teeth out , broken bones ? Of course she loved /loves him but that's totally irrelevant.
Get out now before marriage and children, when it all gets really stressful and pressurized.
She needs to go no contact and be determined, make herself busy with other things so doesn't dwell on him.

carwashing Tue 31-May-16 10:22:56

These are all signs of classic abusive behaviour.

The promises of changing, declarations of love are simply PART of the abuse. Designed to reel your friend in again so that the abusive cycle can begin once again.

(Been there & got the T-shirt)

As others have suggested please read www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656.

Also Women's Aid and highly recommend The Freedom Programme for support and education.

DoreenLethal Tue 31-May-16 10:26:53

But he has issues which he has now said he will get help for

If he really wanted to help her, surely he would end it until he knew he was cured? If he cares for her why doesn't he want her to be safe?

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Tue 31-May-16 10:31:23

He has, sort of said that, "he respects and loves her so he will, respects her wishes of space"

diddl Tue 31-May-16 10:34:32

Sadly she probably won't listen until it becomes apparent that he hasn't changed.

Does she accept that he has always(?) been abusive & that it has got steadily worse?

And that he has waited until the point of beating her to to seek help?

Why did he let it get so bad if he loves her?

Doinmummy Tue 31-May-16 10:35:06

The 'issues ' he has will be blamed on her at some point. He is no different to any of the other abusive bastards out there . She cannot help him and she's a fool if she thinks she can.

My ex has been in therapy for 18 years and he still hasn't changed .

Doinmummy Tue 31-May-16 10:37:51

My ex used to use the therapy against me. He'd say things like 'my therapist says you have to be more considerate if I need to go to the pub' 'my therapist says you mustn't wind me up'

MrsMushrooms Tue 31-May-16 10:41:46

The fact she's willing to read these responses and seems unsure what to do suggests to me that she already knows she obviously has to leave him, but is scared to do so because ending a relationship is a scary thing. She is looking for excuses not to have to do it which will just drag things out. Instead, she should be looking for ways to make it easier - you obviously want to support her, why not make plans to do more things together over the coming weeks so she won't feel as lonely? Perhaps she can book herself a few days away somewhere nice to ease the transition with a change of scenery?

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