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oh ignoring me when coming home

(22 Posts)
Dubaisummer Mon 30-May-16 21:29:40

Hi

Just a quick one for advice.
Iv come in from a weekend away with lo and oh has been at work in another city. He got back before me. Throughout the weekend everything seemed fine and we were messaging constantly but iv come back and he won't look me in the eyes like he's disgusted with me or not asking me any questions but I know I haven't done anything wrong and iv asked him and he's said no.

Am I being too sensitive?. I feel like he's doing it deliberately to make me feel bad for something I haven't done.

He hasn't asked me one question since I got in. I explained if somethings wrong let me know so I can help plus it's making me feel as though iv done something wrong. Let me know and I'll try and help but he just said "why do I need to ask you any questions".

How do I deal with this. I am quite sensitive to this do I put my feelings aside and just let him be.
He has done this before and we've spoken about it but he seems to keep on doing it forgetting how it makes a situation turn into something it doesn't need to.

Sparkletastic Mon 30-May-16 21:32:11

He sounds like a dickhead who is punishing you for some non-existent misdemeanour. Don't tiptoe around him. Get angry. Don't put up with this shitty treatment.

BonitaFangita Mon 30-May-16 21:37:19

What's he been up to this weekend?
Does he enjoy having you tiptoe around him like this?

0phelia Mon 30-May-16 21:38:02

Maybe he's very tired or had a shit time?

Maybe he's jealous that you went away and coped without him?

Maybe he's a passive aggressive twat?

Maybe you two are incompatible?

Ultimately you need to ask yourself what do you get out of this relationship and is it worth the headfuck.

Gide Mon 30-May-16 23:39:41

Mine used to do this when I came home from trips. I'd get the silent treatment, passive aggressive bollocks. I have no idea why. I couldn't get in touch-before mobile phones-and it was like I'd caught him out deliberately. Turns out he was just pissed off that I'd been gone for a week with work-unavoidable, months of advance warning. I used to get this when I came home early ('Why are you home?' Because I live here....?) or memorably, I had to sit through the last hour of his film before he would speak. Far more important than seeing how my day had been, clearly.

A frank chat would be good. You don't deserve this shite.

plimsolls Mon 30-May-16 23:51:19

This is horrible and he's being unfair.

My friend's girlfriend used to do this to him if he'd been away. It turned out she would spend the time he was away really working herself up about what he was doing, convinced he was cheating on her, inventing in her head all sorts of scenarios she would then dwell on. By the time he would come back, she'd have spent the weekend angry and upset about it and then feel justified ignoring him/being PA/being cold and getting further upset and angry when he didn't apologise. She was in a self-righteous mindset where she genuinely was the wronged, hard-done-by person. It was particularly difficult for my friend to understand as - like you- he'd generally have been in contact the whole time and of course never even dreamt of doing anything bad. Could that be the kind of thing your OH is doing?

The mark of an emotionally unstable and controlling individual, I'd say. Be calm and assertive and don't pander to it. You've done nothing wrong.

Hissy Tue 31-May-16 07:54:15

He's training you to not go and have your own time away from him.

Call him out on his sulking and make sure you book more weekends activities until he gets used to the idea that you are not a possession.

Is the Dubai in your name relevant?

daisychain01 Tue 31-May-16 08:09:37

He probably has low self esteem, but you shouldn't have to waste energy trying to second guess him.

If he isn't prepared to be upfront and say what's on his mind, just call him on it, ask him to explain what his 'beef' is or else he should snap out of his sulk pretty damn quick.

Dubaisummer Tue 31-May-16 08:11:36

Sorry about you going through the he same thing above posters. I do believe he was thinking negative things yes or probably thinking I'm cheating not sure why but earlier on in our relationship he used to mention me cheating all the time saying "you'd never cheat would you" it was a strain but I put it down to his insecurities because I did nothing to make him think I would cheat.

Gide this often happens to me as well I'd go out with friends for the day for a break and he'd say why did you come back you should of stayed out longer then acts weird with me when I come back...same with to or phone. I'll try and have a convo with him and he'll just stare at the to or phone and won't even look at me or say I'm just doing something really important I'll be a sec.

I don't think I can't take anymore of it. My frank chats don't seem to be working at all.

Hissy my username is just somewhere I like visiting x

Dubaisummer Tue 31-May-16 08:17:33

Daisychain01

Yh he does, he has some problems like he has trouble losing weight he has done well but he's not how he wants to be and he mentioned he ate loads over he weekend so it could be it I did ask him if that was the problem he said "no" but think it may be.

I try my best to bring his esteem up but ultimately he needs to do it on his own or at least feel good about himself.

It's hard living with someone who gets this low, I have to remind myself a lot of the time it's not my fault but sometimes I can't help but think it is and maybe someone else can help him better than me

daisychain01 Tue 31-May-16 08:22:39

He sound tedious, and it doesn't seem like he is making any effort towards resolving his problem. And talk about inconsistent!

he's either intimating you're off with another man or telling you to stay away, when you come back earlier than he thought.

He needs to grow up!

daisychain01 Tue 31-May-16 08:28:22

I admire your patience but it shouldn't be your mission in life to bolster his self esteem. My opinion fwiw, is he needs to get his head together and snap out of whatever dreamworld he is in, whether that's counselling or maybe talking things thru with a trusted friend, or opening up to you.

His choice, but the action needs to come from him. You aren't a mind reader smile

hellsbellsmelons Tue 31-May-16 08:31:52

It's a well know EA tactic.
Look up 'Stonewalling abuse'
When my ExH did this early on in our relationship I just packed up and left.
He couldn't understand it.
He'd learnt this from his mother.
I told him, that as adults we talk and resolve issues by compromising and if he wasn't going to be an adult that I didn't want to be with him.
It soon resolved the problem and he never did it again.
But I didn't have a child and it was easy for me to go back to my mum and dads.
Is this the tip of the iceberg?
Does he do other things too. to keep you in line?

seeyounearertime Tue 31-May-16 08:35:15

He's training you to not go and have your own time away from him.

This sounds like it to me.

He wants you to feel so uncomfortable with going that you decide to "save the arguments" and not go.
basically, sit down, shut up, never go anywhere.

Whether you want to live like that is a decision only you can make.

Dubaisummer Tue 31-May-16 17:49:27

Hellsbell, he just does this thing were everything is my fault if I'm making him so unhappy then I should just leave. He lives in my mothers house inherited with me at the moment so he would probably go.

Update we just had a chat and I explained this silence thing and not opening up is not good for us.

After 10 minutes of him being silent he said he was happy we're he was working in his home town then said when he got back he was miserable.

So I said ok that's understandable because you were with your family it's normal to miss home and I don't blame you because we don't know anyone in our town.
He then went on to say I'm part of his misery. When I pulled up he "thought back to the misery and my face being like a slapped ar** wasn't sure how to take it so I was just calm I didn't want him to think he hurt me and I said I haven't been miserable iv been happy I don't recall being upset about anything for a while.

Then he went on to say maybe he just needs a break from the routine... Like he was trying to back track but I can't get that out of my head now. I feel like I have a responsibility to call things off because I make him so u happy.

To me I'm just normal when he comes in from work I welcome him and ask him how's he's feeling etc get him a drink and stuff but he obviously is seeing something different now.

ScarletForYa Tue 31-May-16 18:13:06

Could he have met someone while he was there?

Sounds like his head has been turned?

seeyounearertime Tue 31-May-16 18:17:11

He's not making you very happy op, maybe it's time you found someone who will make you happy?

This guy wants to live in his home town? Show him where the door is and wish him luck, even pack for him. Whatever you do, don't let him emotionally bully you into selling up or moving, etc. Don't let him emotionally coerce you into doing anything you don't want to do.

Dubaisummer Tue 31-May-16 18:22:49

Not sure if he did or not but I know he went out for a meal with his family, took pics of the food etc. I don't think he did anything physical he may have messaged a few ppl I would put that past him but otherwise I'm not sure.

I think now he knows he hasn't upset me but pushed me further away from him instead he's trying to make a mends asking if I want dinner etc.
Think it's all a game or like previous posts have said its manipulation or emotionally unstable trying to put everything on me.

I think I might take a break and see what happens x

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Tue 31-May-16 18:38:45

This is confusing. HE is confusing. Playing mind games and probably gas lighting you (one minute upset, next minute fine, making you feel like you're imagining things).

JellyBean31 Tue 31-May-16 20:16:56

It sounds exhausting dubai. My exh was like this... I was constantly trying to 2nd guess what was wrong, but it was impossible as he was continually moving the goalposts.

Whoever above said about not talking until he'd finished a film he was watching... Yes yes yes... Usually a film he'd seen 20 times before as well... Ignorant b*stard!!!

I have no words of advice but echo what others have said. This is emotional abuse!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 31-May-16 21:15:15

He is hard work.

Does he pay you rent?

Dubaisummer Tue 31-May-16 21:34:24

It is exhausting yh and I'm extremely tired of it to a point I just don't care now. He does pay rent yh but even that was a struggle. Just realising how much hard work it has been thinking back on everything. I want I keep my youth and enjoy my life not have all this nonsense.

I told him I'm going to give up on the relationship and we'll sort arrangements with DD unless he agrees to fix this issue he has and he seemed to come back to life and discuss things a bit more than he was. But not sure how long it's going to last or if it's going to last at all.

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