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AIBU Managing conflict

(11 Posts)
beleagured Mon 30-May-16 18:40:43

Not much context, I'm afraid. DP and I have very different approaches to conflict in certain family relationships. DP wants me to take his side unquestioningly and argue his corner against family members, to the point almost of telling me what I should say. Tends to be in the heat of any upset. By nature I prefer to wait until the immediate heat has gone out of a situation, think carefully about how to put my view and send an email rather than make a phone call. More time to think about what's being said and why, more chance to get it right. Problem is that DP tends to see an immediate response reflecting his view is a matter of fundamental loyalty. My own view is that real support might lie in a more considered dialogue, perhaps telling both sides that they might need to adjust their positions. It's causing major conflict between DP and me!

Kr1stina Mon 30-May-16 18:46:16

How woudl it work if you just refused to get involved in his family disputes?

Because you seem to have fundamentally different approaches and it's hard to see a compromise between these

beleagured Mon 30-May-16 18:55:38

The context makes it difficult. Concerns our children.

beleagured Mon 30-May-16 22:52:18

All gone horrible. Every plan we've ever made is unravelling round this issue, after 4 years together. I can't think or hope or engage with my children, who are happy and healthy and lively when I feel suicidal. Is there more than one response out there?

HappyGirlNow Mon 30-May-16 22:58:06

Why are you getting involved in continual conflict? I can't imagine living like that.

Kr1stina Mon 30-May-16 23:00:20

Are you serious that you feel suicidal ?

beleagured Mon 30-May-16 23:09:13

DP has sibling issues, dating back many years. Don't fully understand why. Sisters are ok, a little overbearing at times but not out of the ordinary. DP also very successful in career. They just rub each other up in the wrong way. Can't agree over dealing with a Will. Can't agree over cousins and cousins by marriage seeing each other. Problem for me is that I can't see a fundamental problem between all of them. They are intelligent, decent people, all precious to me, but all determined on a path of hurting each other.

MistressIggi Mon 30-May-16 23:15:22

You don't have to see any of them or be involved with them. If it's actually your dp who is causing the conflict, well you don't have to stay with him if he's an unreasonable person. What you do have to do is stay alive, so if you fell suicidal please call the Samaritans or go to your hospital.

beleagured Mon 30-May-16 23:15:42

Suicidal probably overstates. Have self-harmed in the (distant ) past and I can feel the warnings. Sorry if I was too dramatic. But very, very low.

Kr1stina Mon 30-May-16 23:17:26

Do you mean that you think you have depression ? Because if so you need to see a doctor , that's more important that some counsins by marriage

buckingfrolicks Mon 30-May-16 23:19:11

As I see it, your job is to support your DH, unless he's being a total knob. It is not your job to mediate/ameliorate/broker an outcome between his family members.

That's when a really good family mediator would help.

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