Porn - wants porn instead of me

[confused123455]

Hi all,

I really need some advice, over an issue with porn. Am interested in both sides of the spectrum, but will give mine - sorry so long!

I have been with my husband for 11 years (I'm 29). I'm currently pregnant with twin boys which was planned, but this was the only reason we were having sex. Before then and after then he doesn't want to know.

History: 6 years ago (before our first son was born) He would watch porn occasionally but this changed to most/every day which would fulfil his needs in that area and so I was redundant - despite my efforts, he just didn't want to know. This went on for months. He would get pictures from girls on XBOX (he's pretty gorgeous) which didn't bother me too much I don't mind a bit of flirting etc and it was occasional rather than regularly (to my knowledge), I'm not a particularly jealous person and don't believe he would actually do the deed with someone else and don't really see the harm in it, it probably made him feel good.

Porn was another issue. To me, there is a difference between looking/flirting and getting off on someone else/someone else making you climax. No matter how I try to look at it, I felt like he needs other girls to feel satisfied and actively sought out other people to fulfil himself sexually. I hadn't even had children then so was size 10, decent boobs and figure (I think), can't do much about my face, but you don't need to look at it I guess? And would wear make up if he wanted me to. When I told him how I felt about it he was a bit shocked it bothered me so much and that I had reacted so badly. I told him exactly how I felt about it and I also have issues to do with my father where I think it stems from so told him about that too so he could try to understand from my perspective a bit more. (My mother left when I was 8 and I took over housekeeping/cooking/cleaning etc which meant every two weeks I would change my father's sheets (he would NEVER do it if I didn't) his room was always filled with videos, DVDs, magazines, pictures, I could go on. So from a young age I knew what it was and have always deeply hated it, it disgusted me.) I knew my husband did it occasionally (he's not very computer savy) and I didn't have a problem with that, thought it might be a fetish thing that he was embarrassed to explore with me etc, or just fancied looking but there is a difference between occasionally and every day/several times a day and wanting to watch porn instead of being with me.

It almost split us up - that's how strongly I felt/feel about it, he moved out. I eventually agreed to give it another go provided he didn't watch do/it. He agreed and we have been together since without incident.

6 years down the line we are here again. But this time we have a son and I am currently pregnant. My body is completely changed, I can't even try to lose weight until the babies are born - I would do it happily if that's what he wanted/needed, I would have surgery too. I have stretch marks on my tummy from my first pregnancy and my boobs aren't as firm - they're not saggy or anything, but not the way they were. I so understand that he doesn't like me any more, I wouldn't either. But he claims he does, why can't he be honest? It has been going on for months and months and he has been doing it all the time, when I'm out, in bed, in the bath literally any chance he gets. I didn't say a thing for months because I thought he'd stop, he'd remember how it makes me feel and just stop but he never did. What started as once a week very quickly became everyday, sometimes up to 3 times a day. He says I don't instigate enough so I have really tried to, I've bought clothes I hate wearing, acted in ways I despise, tried to be obvious, tried to be discreet, tried to take the lead, let him lead, be more relaxed and open/willing. But he just doesn't want to know. He would much rather watch these women than be with me and it's killing me, no matter what I do. I can't look like them I try and I try to act like them but nothing. He used to accept oral sometimes, but rarely even that any more, I think it's just me and I can't live like that. I want to be with someone who wants me and not feel like the ugly, fat woman at home.

A few weeks ago I confronted him again. I have told him I want the marriage to end, I can't be with someone I don't trust and who wants other people. It's affecting everything and I'm worried my little boy will pick up on things in the house - it's not healthy for him. He knows exactly how it makes me feel and how much I hate it, but still he chooses to do it every time, I would never do that to him, I can't understand why he is so willing to do it to me. I hate lying in bed wondering if some other woman is making him come. I think I need to admit defeat but then he says I can't take him away from his children and can't make him sleep under another roof - which I understand, you couldn't rip me from them. He says he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, that I am overreacting and being silly and that it's because we don't have sex (I don't know what else I can do to make him want to have sex with me). He says he has admitted it and could have just denied everything, but he told me the truth so that should mean something, but I can count the number of times we have had sex in the past year on my hands - that's how bad it is and that's including trying for a baby. I asked him to show me what he likes, to tell me so I can try, but he says it's private and none of my business. I thought I'll pretend it didn't happen and carry on as normal which I have been doing for a couple weeks, but I can't any more, it's done too much damage and I truly believe he needs other people. In the two weeks we have 'been normal' we have had sex once and that was instigated by me and completely in the dark so he could pretend I was someone else if he wanted (I did all whole act so he didn't have to move and didn't face him, in case my face is the problem) which seemed to work, but he hasn't wanted it since despite my efforts.

What do I do? I don't want to end our marriage, I deeply love him, but I think in the end he will cheat, I'm just not enough for him. Is what I'm feeling normal or do I need counselling perhaps? Do all men do this? Am I the only woman that has an issue with it? He says I am overreacting because I'm pregnant and my hormones are everywhere, but I wasn't last time and still feel the same. I am so conflicted. I feel like he should only want me. I only want him and always have, if I do self-pleasure I only EVER think of him, but it seems he will do anything not to think of me.

I need help, I really do, please tell me what to do, I've never been this unhappy. Ever.

Thank you and so sorry it's so long, it's not the kind of thing I can talk to friends about.

[Whatsername17]

It has been proven that pornographt addictive. When men watch a lot of porn it blurs their view on reality. It makes real world sex seem boring in comparison. The problem is not you. Not at all. It's him. He has an addiction and you do not deserve to be treated like this. Just like an alcoholic, you are quite within your rights to tell him to get help or leave. His children will always be his children and you can decide on whatever contact arrangement fits you all. But he needs to want to get help and acknowledge his problem.

[CommonBurdock]

He needs therapy, urgently. This is completely his problem to sort out, he needs to own the problem, take responsibility and realise what itbis doing to you. He doesn't seem to accept that he has a problem and what his behaviour is doing to the family he claims to adore.

Have you asked him whether he will go to therapy?

[bellendoftheball]

This is really heartbreaking OP. Your self-esteem sounds shot to pieces. Other posters are right, he has a problem, this is not about you - please don't demean yourself any more by agonising over what is wrong with you, or what you can do to make him want you. You need to put your energy into your DC. I understand that you don't want to separate, and that the prospect of him not being around to help when your twins arrive must be scary, but on the other hand his behaviour will only get worse when you're post-natal because he'll use it as further self-justification. And it will make you miserable, and affect how emotionally available you are to your children. I've been there when one of my DC was a baby, and it was awful. I deeply regret not just telling him to go because the lack of trust distracted me from devoting myself to my baby, and nearly destroyed my confidence. You don't need it OP, and he doesn't sound worth the energy you're putting into trying to figure him out. I'd ask him to leave, and make him pull his weight as a parent. Maybe when he sees what he is losing he'll address his issues, maybe not. It's down to him. Look after yourself and your babies

[category12]

"we have had sex once and that was instigated by me and completely in the dark so he could pretend I was someone else if he wanted (I did all whole act so he didn't have to move and didn't face him, in case my face is the problem)"...

I'm sorry, what? You really need to scrape up your self esteem and get out. No man is worth this. You're worried he doesn't fancy you because of your face?! Wtf. He's destroying you.

[Morasssassafras]

Get a solicitor and file for divorce. The only way he will stop doing this is if he wants to stop.

Do most men watch porn? Yes, (I said most not all!) but not at the expense of having a sex life with their wife/partner.

And please get some counselling about why you think it's okay to have sex with him making sure he can't see your face in case it puts him off. That is not healthy for you at all.

[AnyFucker]

That was painful to read.

Your husband is a pathetic pornhound and you are compromising yourself to attract his attention.

There is nothing you can do to improve your marriage. It isn't you, it is him. Make plans to leave him either before or after the babies are born, whatever works best practically.

He is toxic and a very poor example of a father.

[Jan45]

Eugh, just yuck, he's full of bullshit OP, you need to stop trying to mould yourself into someone he wants, it wouldn't matter if you were Kate Moss, he's going to do it regardless because he's a selfish prick, who doesn't give a fuck about your feelings.

Sorry to sound harsh but you have to stop doing this for your own sanity, you should be asking yourself why YOU put up with a man that behaves like a dirty old man in a raincoat - he should only want you but he wants others, god knows what he is up to Online.

So yes admit defeat and believe me most men are not like this, he's untrustworthy, no trust = no real relationship.

[Jan45]

Jesus, just read the bit about hiding your face, please indeed pick up your self worth.

[HandbagCrazy]

Oh OP, I'm sorry but you're wasting your time.
Can you see what he's doing?
You want sex - he turns you down.
He watches porn. You tell him you don't like it - he tells you it's because he's not getting enough sex
You give him sex, it's not the right kind / position / place etc and if goes on. You say you're unhappy, he is basically replying saying "well I like it. You being unhappy is not my problem."

Can you think of it the other way around - if you did something, and your DH told you that it upset and hurt him, even if you enjoyed it, would you stop? Would you talk about it? Or would you disregard him altogether and carry on?

He isn't going to stop. Addiction or not, it's not something you have to put up with. And he doesn't get to make all the decisions either - you have the right to leave, to not live in the house, to share custody of your dc's.

[flatbellyfella]

This man does not warrant another moment of effort from you, it's utterly disgusting what he is doing to you. He has taken all of your dignity & self confidence away from you, until you leave he will just drag you lower & lower.

[riceuten]

You've spent most of the OP making fairly pathetic excuses for his appalling behaviour - DON'T ! I can only think that you don't have that much self-confidence, or (I doubt this very much) you are daft enough to think that because he is a "catch", you should stay with him, come what may. Please tell me this is not the case...

If he doesn't love you for what you are, then it's probably time to call it a day on the relationship. You are obviously worth so much more than this.

I am not morally opposed to porn personally, but he sounds like a real sleaze - yes, a sleaze. If you don't leave him, he will have a fake tan, and spiked blonde hair in his 40s and he will be hitting in teenage waitresses whilst you sit there quietly seething and fuming.

GO.

[MummyBex1985]

You've let him turn you into a doormat with no self esteem. I found it very sad reading your post.

Men aren't usually like this. Your DH is an arse and you're enabling his behaviour by thinking its you that has to change. It really isn't!

Not easy when you're pregnant but something has to change - you can't live your life like that!

If you can find a way to leave, do it. Find someone who values and respects you!

[thrillhouse]

This is so sad. He's an absolute scumbag for putting you through this.

Re-read your post. How would you feel if a friend described themselves the way you have?

You're doing things you dislike, wearing clothes you hate, even saying you'd have surgery to please this man's idea of how you should look. And for what?

I think you need to start being kinder to yourself and do what's best for you and your children. Your partner has clearly shown he prizes porn over your relationship. If he wanted to make this work he'd accept that he needed help.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

Another one saying you need to scrape your dignity off the floor and leave. How dare this pathetic excuse for a man make you feel so worthless your hiding your face from him during one sided sex where he gets his jollies and you get to feel shit. What a twat of a man.

[PestilentialCat]

Your partner ought to want to have sex with you because he loves you & want to please you, regardless as to whether your shape has changed.

[SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals]

I have twin girls and believe me when you do become a twin mum this ridiculous man-child behaviour will not be tolerated, with three young children you really wont have the energy or patience. Twins are fabulous but bloody hard work, please please please get rid of him now. I can honestly say your mental health needs protecting before this idiot of a man pulls you down anymore. Its not your face, or your body, its not you love, you deserve so much better. Please put you and your children first. Straight away.

[Iamthinking]

All men do not do this. And you don't have to do all the things you are having to do. Your self-esteem is shot to pieces, I was shocked to read how low you rate yourself and the lengths you will go to.

What you feel about porn is perfectly normal. You don't need counselling to get over your dislike of porn. I would feel the same as you if I were in your shoes.

I think some therapy for you alone, dealing with your own esteem and self-confidence might be helpful. But not to get over your dislike of porn.

[Greenandmighty]

So sad to read your post. Agree with everyone, H needs help. The alcohol metaphor is accurate. This has nothing to do with you. I am just so sorry you are having to deal with this while you're pregnant. You need to get some family or friends' support behind you before taking action. Then you can request that he seeks help as a condition of remaining in the relationship. I wish you luck and a healthy pregnancy.

[GloriaGaynor]

If he wants porn instead of you then leave him to it - let him have his films and his right hand alone in a flat, and get on with the rest of your life.

[GloriaGaynor]

I don't know that he does need help to be honest - or rather I don't think he's grasped that there's a problem. Addiction is something someone can't stop when they try, I don't get the sense he's ever tried. If he's perfectly happy wanking away, and completely ruining his marriage, that's up to him.

He seems completely oblivious to the effect it's having in the OP, when she tells him he doesn't seem in the slightest bit bothered.

[FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes]

This is possibly the saddest post I've ever read on MN relating to sexual relationships, and there's been a few in my time here.
OP.- please please please file for divorce from this man idiot, on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. And be free. You will need someone lovely in time who will make you feel beautiful. And the way you (and every person) deserves to feel.
It's nothing to do with your face or your body.
He has a porn addiction, and he needs to address it if you're to have a Future together.

[Topsy44]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is clear for all of us to see how much this has affected your self esteem.

I was married to a porn addict. The one thing you have to know is that you did not cause this, it's not your fault and it has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

There is a great book called The Porn Trap. It really helped me to see that his addiction had nothing to do with me.

[confused123455]

Update:

Hi all, thank you so much for your comments, it gave me the courage to tell him that it's not OK, I had had enough and I was leaving last night. I started to put things in motion.

At that, he panicked and said he'd show me, to try to make me see. I didn't want to look because of what I might see, I thought he was just trying to humiliate me more, but did. He sat me in front of the computer and got up the site(s) he uses, showed me what he types in and the phrases he searches for, what he would watch - it reduced him to tears. Turns out the sites aren't the beautiful women I thought they were, they were fetishes that he is utterly ashamed of, to the point of crying. I didn't think they were that bad at all (obviously don't want to say what they were) and when I saw it, all I felt was relief. I understand completely why he didn't want me to see them or know about them. I asked him why it had stopped us having sex and he said that the more I did things he wasn't used to, the more he felt completely disconnected from me like I didn't want to be having sex with him (obviously because I hated what I was doing). He thought maybe it was him, that I didn't like him any more so was trying to change things up to get my feelings back. He said my behaviour started to change around him and he didn't want to make me feel like I 'had' to have sex with him. He said it got worse and worse and there was no-one he could talk to about it because of what it was so he watched it more. He says he has no idea why he started doing it more, but just did, that he didn't really understand the way he was feeling. He said he stopped wanting oral because I won't look at him and keep my hair so he can't see my face and he doesn't like it, he wants to look at me, same with sex. I told him how I felt about my body and he said he knows that which is another reason he didn't want to push sex or put pressure on me, particularly when I fell pregnant and thought I'd be more self concious than I was already. He said the way my body has changed is because it needed to bring our baby into the world and he loves it, he says my body is a mark of our family and of his son. We talked for a long time.

I told him it is still not OK to put me through that, the way it made me feel, particularly that he knows how my confidence is. And that it's not OK that he did it in spite of how it made me feel. He said he couldn't answer that and that I was right, he did know exactly how it made me feel but did it anyway. He has said he will do whatever I want to do and obviously stop, but wanted me to know that it really isn't about me, it's to do with himself.

He said regardless of whether or not I want to be with him he is pleased he has told me/shown me because it feels like a weight has gone and that there is no secret or shame hovering in the background. He wants strongly to get things back on track and start again, openly and honestly. He has said he is completely open to counselling, or any place I want him to go to address the issues he has and if I want to leave, that's OK too, but didn't want me to leave thinking what I thought.

Now I feel very odd. I don't feel as betrayed in that it wasn't at all what I thought, but how could our communication be so wrong after this long being together and he still did it knowing it hurt me, something is wrong there, we shouldn't be like that. Talking like that has made me feel miles better about myself, I feel like I want to draw a line and start again, but still a bit confused, is giving it another shot the right thing to do? I don't want to be blinded because I love him. I want to make the right decision for my children.

[CommonBurdock]

I think you've both done really well by talking it through. You all have a lot to gain IF he can follow through on what he says.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

He has said he will do whatever I want to do and obviously stop = lip service.

He has done porn before and claimed to have stopped but then started again. So his actions are speaking louder than his words.

I would have a hard time believing him, tbh. His responses sounded too much of poor little lost boy...painting his behavior choices as a response to you, knowing full well that you were trying to cope with his 'habit'. That is quite a manipulation, imho.

(he's pretty gorgeous) That is just a facade. He certainly doesn't act gorgeous; not really a great 'catch' then is he?

When you are thinking of having surgery (!) to, (maybe - maybe it won't work), entice him sexually...that is a big huge Red Flag that enough is enough. Hiding your face- enough is enough. Wardrobe and performance-some are into that, but you aren't. It didn't work so enough of that too.

Imho, I really do not think this is going to work for you. Your history with your dad is awful. You had to put up with it then; you do not have to put up with it now. I also recommend individual counselling for yourself to resolve and try to heal the past injustices done to you. You won't be able to make progress with that while you are in the middle of the similar behavior from your husband.