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All dating gurus say don't chase a man, let him chase you. But there's a flaw in that plan

(169 Posts)
Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 11:56:20

.......nobody has ever approached me. No that's not quite true. Last year, a man 7 years younger than I am asked me out. I'll be told off for being a snob here but he was between jobs (and had been for a while) and he was a granddad at 37. On the plus side, he went every where on his bike so he wasn't completely unfit. So, to be 'open' I went for a coffee with him and he talked absolute shite for an hour. And that is it. In nearly a decade. I have had a few v short flings with people I met on courses or through a friend, but that is it. So if I sat around waiting for somebody to approach me a decade could pass.
Do you ask men out? Are you brave enough? How do you even know if they're single?
I can't wait another decade for another passing unemployed granddad on a bicycle to ask me out! I need to take control of my love life.

DeathStare Mon 30-May-16 11:59:12

There's a difference between approaching people and chasing them!

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 30-May-16 12:00:49

I hate all the "chase" nonsense. Dating gurus say things like "don't make yourself too available", "make him chase you". Sorry, as a grown man, I don't play games.

Similarly, if everyone just sat back and waited, nothing would ever happen. If you're looking for a new job, you go out and look for it and apply for ones that appeal. If you're looking for a new house, you go out and look for it and make an offer on ones that appeal. If you wait for a new job or new house to just fall into your lap, well, you'll have a long wait.

Male or female, get out there, be proactive - most men (I'm one) would love a woman to ask them out. And there are shy men out there who might make a wonderful partner. Age of equality and all that.

thedogdaysareover Mon 30-May-16 12:01:54

Do you ever see anybody you fancy, I mean, regularly, and what do you do to indicate your interest? I agree that men, and indeed nobody, should be chased for their affection, but I agree that men should be the ones asking women out. If a man wants something he will ask for it. If you ask for it you will never know if he liked you enough to ask you out himself. I have seen men being proposed to and saying yes and then later admitting they felt forced into it before they were ready.

But you must give them a clue, a big fat one normally, that you would be receptive to being asked out by them.

What are your clues like?

StartledByHisFurryShorts Mon 30-May-16 12:07:00

Do all dating guides say this? Or is it just the fucking stupid (and hateful) "Rules"?

I reckon any bloke who was put off by me making the first move is not someone I would want to spend time with anyway.

Get out there and meet people! Either in RL or through OLD. It's the 21st century. We women don't have to sit around meekly and subserviently, hoping someone will ask us to dance.

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 12:12:19

My clues are probably turn down very low, very dimmed clues. I could work on that.

It's hard though, I think men are hard wired to go off you as soon as they've slept with you. I've been 'lucky' , that only happened to me once; fledgling thing, died a death after sleeping with him. And it had been about 7 weeks. So.... for years, I thought that, ignore the dating gurus! I'm me! accept me as I am! But that is a very good way of staying single. :-/

StartledByHisFurryShorts Mon 30-May-16 12:14:22

men should be the ones asking women out

Really, dogdays? Maybe being bi skews my perspective (I presume it's OK with you if I make the first move with women) but I reckon if I was heterosexual, I still wouldn't have a problem asking men out.

concertplayer Mon 30-May-16 12:15:57

You need to find a natural way of meeting someone, which funnily
enough is how you find the right one. Nowadays most people meet
at work/college/uni , through friends or hobbies. Life is very narrow
you see and both sexes feel better meeting in a safe environment.
So do that part-time degree you have always been fascinated by,
take up le roc. Move to a larger city -abroad if that is your dream.
You see everyone is looking for the best, so if you do not make
yourself the best then they won't want you.
List your good points and make the best of them so you can be seen
at your true value.

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 12:16:26

ps, there's nobody atm, in my rl, I'm just trying to examine if I'm doing anything wrong before I go back on line. I would prefer to meet somebody in real life! but I rarely meet single men.
I joined a fitness group I thought might be mixed, I turned up.... all women.
It is very hard to meet men in rl I think.

Woodenmouse Mon 30-May-16 12:17:20

If I hadn't approached dh we would never have got together, dozy bastard didn't realise I was flirting with him! Screw the rules do what you want!

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 12:18:23

So true, concertplayer, but my DC are at secondary school and I really can't relocate! but yes, the things I go to, it's hard to get out, but I only go to things that genuinely do interest me.

CoolforKittyCats Mon 30-May-16 12:19:29

but I agree that men should be the ones asking women out


AgingJuvenileBinkyHuckaback Mon 30-May-16 12:19:41

Mathematically speaking, if men do the asking and work their way down the list, approaching in order of preference until they get to the best woman who will accept them, and if women wait to be asked and accept the first man who asks and meets their minimum standards, then the men will get a much better deal. That oversimplifies and assumes everyone is heterosexual and monogamous, but the logic stands good and is obvious if you think about it. If you wait to be asked you'll end up with a less high quality partner than you'd get if you went out and pursued the partners you actually preferred. I'll find a link.

funnychops Mon 30-May-16 12:20:51

Have you tried Meetup OP? You may be able to join a group and meet someone with a like minded interest, man or woman, which in turn will increase your social circles.

funnychops Mon 30-May-16 12:23:04

I think there's a difference between showing interest and pestering....pestering and over keeness is not an attractive feature whether you are male or female

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 12:24:29

I have tried meetup yes. I had to get a babysitter, and I went out to something on my own. People were vaguely friendly and sort of smiled in my direction but most people had come with somebody. However, the evening, its purpose, was interesting to me regardless and I did feel a bit empowered for having gone on my own. So no harm done, definitely. I'd consider it again.

Ageing juvenile. That's interesting all right. I need to message men I LIKE the look of online to kickstart things. And if 8 out of ten ignore me, I need to just take a deep breath and put that aside.

thedogdaysareover Mon 30-May-16 12:25:04

Yeah really, I have asked men out and of course they were delighted, the players especially so because they got first hand without trying that I was into them enough to ask them out. I was good for a shag by beyond that no. I am not saying all en are players and it takes months to find out who you're dealing with, but I would rather not take the chance of giving someone a big fat invitation to fuq me over that soon. Sorry if that offends but that is my experience as a heterosexual woman.

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 12:26:31

ps, not saying I wouldn't do it again, I will at some point, but I did feel a bit like it was a social experiment, paying a babysitter to take myself out. I enjoyed that evening. It was worth it. So I'm not a social recluse. I have reserves of bravery I can tap into. eeek

thedogdaysareover Mon 30-May-16 12:26:57

This is not game playing but basic self protection.

HappyJanuary Mon 30-May-16 12:29:22

I always thought that 'don't chase a man let him chase you' rule meant once you'd established some sort of fledgling relationship.

So he is the one mostly initiating contact and arranging the next date while you appear unconcerned, take-it-or-leave-it and like a prize he has to win.

I don't think it means 'never signal any interest to anyone and let them do all the running' because you'd have to be a supermodel to have that sort of pull.

My problem is signalling interest. Too scared to do so only to realise I've misread the signals and he's recoiling in horror, so far far too subtle.

Hellothereitsme Mon 30-May-16 12:30:30

OLD and joining a proper running club (I was a beginner) are my solutions to meeting men, being pro active, and gettng fit at the same time. Running clubs can be very sociable.

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 12:30:55

oh yes. I agree. A lot of pressure on women to lose sight of their own agenda (to have an equal respectful relationship) and just go with the flow, have 'fun' and I would preserve my self-esteem by not losing sight of my own wants and needs. That can be perceived by some to be game-playing.

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 12:35:05

Yes happyJanuary I think I need to sort out that distinction in my head. My mother raised me to never, ever show any visible interest in the opposite sex. As that would be terribly brazen and shameful. How she thought that would lead to the respectable place of marriage, the holy grail, I don't know ! the bit inbetween was never explained!

thedogdaysareover Mon 30-May-16 12:39:21

Women are more vulnerable and if that means I wait to get asked out and not ask them out then that is a chance I am more than willing to take. I fancied my husband right from the beginning but I thought, if he' s not got the balls to ask me out then I don't want him. Women do bloody everything these days, including having to be a man it seems, Christ, if a man can't even be arsed to ask you out then forget it. Please bear in mind that I was all up for asking men out before and doing all the work, and now I view that as rather controlling, on my part. Meeting my husband was the first time I just let things happen. Some might view that as me being a dizzy passive female but it took the biggest strength not to direct things and always wonder if they were really into me. and you know I really don't think they were. Delighted to have the attention of being asked out but it faded.

CoolforKittyCats Mon 30-May-16 12:42:42

if he' s not got the balls to ask me out then I don't want him


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