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Newbie advice needed......1 year on from husbands affair 😔

(65 Posts)
Fleek123 Mon 30-May-16 11:41:07

Hello everyone, I'm new and would love some sound advice if you have a second.

Little bit of a back story first...... My husband started a new job little over a year ago and became very successful in his role. He started having an affair with a young work colleague which lasted for about 5 weeks before I found out. It devastated us, devastated him (he hated himself, thought he was weak, cried all the time - he has always been a fabulous husband and father) the affair ended the day I found out and he has fought long and hard over the year to build something new, and I have to admit our relationship in better that it ever was, he's more attentive, generous, I've even said that the affair was the best thing that could have happened to us.......

Back to reality now......as ive said he's become very successful in his new role and has a lovely assistant who works for him (you see where I am going with this) last week the company he works for all went out for drinks after work, and another work colleague (was pissed) said to
my husband to be careful as his assistant has eyes for him. He asked his assistant to leave to go for a drink on their own immediately and asked her straight out if she had feelings for him? She denied it, and he told her that nothing could ever happen between them and then told her he'd had an affair last year!!!!! I am Bloody fuming that he would do this.

Am I right to feel like this or should I just be grateful that he has has the courage to be open and honest about it?

Costacoffeeplease Mon 30-May-16 11:45:18

He took the word of a pissed up colleague, dragged this woman aside and embarrassed her? Wow, he sounds unhinged

Fleek123 Mon 30-May-16 12:00:39

Well you could say that, but I think he may have suspected she may have feelings for him, and the pissed up woman confirmed it?!

Costacoffeeplease Mon 30-May-16 12:03:12

It's still a batshit thing to do but the good thing is, if she did have feelings for him she won't now

smilingeyes11 Mon 30-May-16 12:03:34

took her for a drink on her own to tell her he won't have an affair - you actually believe his lies?? Blimey.

BatLetRat Mon 30-May-16 12:05:03

He sounds utterly bizarre and embarrassing

Costacoffeeplease Mon 30-May-16 12:07:15

Does he think everyone fancies him?

BatLetRat Mon 30-May-16 12:08:12

This is only understandable if he's 19.

YvaineStormhold Mon 30-May-16 12:09:31

He chanced his arm and she turned him down.

Then he felt guilty and gave you a half-baked version of events that cast him as some kind of hero.

Sorry, OP, but I think he's a player and you're right not to trust him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 30-May-16 12:14:11

If you read back what you've written objectively, the first part and the second part don't go together.

He had an affair. The rest of his reasoning is largely irrelevant, not all successful people start having an affair, it doesn't matter how old she was. He had an affair. You found out, he ended it, he said and did the right things to show that he wanted to be with you and it worked, you rebuilt.

Is he in a new job again now, or the same one from last year? Either way, He's got a lovely assistant again, and again, he's failed to build appropriate boundaries. A drunk colleague has mentioned this - it's more likely that she intended this to be a friendly warning that people have noticed them getting close than that she actually thinks the assistant has feelings for him and he didn't know, but either way.

Most people, at that point, would build better boundaries. Even if the boundaries were good in the first place, you'd reinforce a bit. Drop contact to strictly necessary levels, maybe keep conversations more work-related than they were before, make sure they limit alone time. Some people would mention their family more.

He didn't. He asked her to go for a drink on their own - big green light to someone who fancies him, yes? And then asks her if she fancies him. Everyone under the sun would deny it at that point I think, it's a horrendously awkward question. He then overshared that nothing could happen because he's previously had an affair... which is weird. Firstly because "Nothing can happen between us" is usually what star-crossed lovers say to each other before embarking on their tragic affairs, but because it suggests he wants it too, but it can't. And secondly because the revelation of the affair shows he has no willpower. He has no qualms with cheating, he's done it before. It almost undermines what he just said. It would be like saying "We can't steal this...but I stole one last year", or "We can't sneak in there.... but I did sneak in last year."

I suspect he told you because he thought it would get back to you that they "disappeared" together for a drink.

Maybe last year was a very good act and he wasn't all that devastated. Maybe he was very devastated, but over time he's learnt that now he's picked the pieces up once, he could do it again. Maybe he thinks his success and charms mean you could never leave him. Who knows. It's not the behaviour of someone who had an affair, regretted it and went to great lengths to stop it happening again, though. At the very best, he's flirting with danger.

Although I think Costa is right and at least he's pretty much guaranteed that she won't have feelings for him anymore.

HoppingForward Mon 30-May-16 12:26:15

What?? Why an earth would he do that and why is he telling you about it? I'd feel like it was a stab at me to remind me that other women find him attractive enough to be talked about!

He sounds like a shit manager as well, who does that sort of thing shock

goddessofsmallthings Mon 30-May-16 12:36:03

He asked his assistant to leave to go for a drink on their own immediately and asked her straight out if she had feelings for him?

Who the fuck does this? Your h may consider that "he's become very successful in his new role" but he's shown himself to be thoroughly unprofessional in adding another woman to the list of colleauges who could raise a grievance against him in little more than a year of working for the company.

"Bloody fuming"? If I were you I'd be incensed that he has so little regard for you and for his career that he uses his working environment to shit on his own doorstep step outside the boundaries of your marriage.

It goes without saying that he's not been open or honest with you and it remains to be seen whether this weak willed dick-led knobber has it in him to shape up and become the husband you deserve. On present sbowing I wouldn't put money on it.

Cabrinha Mon 30-May-16 12:45:32

He's lying to you, and you know it.
If that a REALLY happened, his assistant could go straight to HR to complain about him.

Best case scenario he tried it on with her and she said no and he's covering his tracks about you finding out he went off with her.

Or she didn't say no - something happened and he's still covering his tracks.

Worst case scenario your cheating arsehole husband tried it on and she's reported him for harrassment and he's covering his tracks for when the shit hits the fan.

All conjecture, but the one thing I guarantee is true: what he told you is not what happened.

cheesecadet Mon 30-May-16 13:24:31

Agree with Cabrinha most likely being the second scenario.

AnyFucker Mon 30-May-16 13:28:13

Your husband is not a trustworthy person

He is making a fool of you. Again.

How many more "strikes" will you give him ?

MaMaof04 Mon 30-May-16 13:32:40

Gosh! How many judgmental comments about a man we do not even know.
So OP: You are the one who knows best whether what he said is the truth or not. I have the feeling that you think that he was honest and that all you wanted to hear from us is what do we think of the behavior displayed by your husband? From what you say about him (regretting the affair- kind of disappointment in himself - crying and improving his behavior post affair etc) he comes across as a very gentle and sensitive man. He might also be the kind of man who strives to be a very good person in general, and a very good partner in particular. He deceived you and himself once; he might have decided to redeem his past behavior by preventing this young woman of developing feelings for him and redirecting them to someone who is free. If I understood your post you might feel that by sharing this past 'experience' he is again 'unfaithful to you'- and for this 'past' and how you overcame it must remain be
between just both of you. I can understand your feeling. Express it to him. He might have some kind of universalism disposition (that makes him a wonderful colleague) but he must clearly understand that there is something sacred called your marriage, or your partnership or your love/family (whatever you call your special union), and that it is not open to any public unless both of you decide otherwise. Good Luck!

winkywinkola Mon 30-May-16 13:52:24

Why on earth would he explain to this woman that he'd had an affair the year before?

Why would he need to explain himself to anyone least of all someone he barely knows?

Why could the just laugh off the rumours about her fancying him and act professionally?

I think he told her about the affair to demonstrate it was entirely possible for them to start something up. He's that kind of guy.

The assistant must be mortified. Utterly embarrassed and dreading work, I'm sure.

Allalonenow Mon 30-May-16 13:56:34

He's a player, watch your back love.

FATEdestiny Mon 30-May-16 13:59:01

OP - do you consider it a problem that he went out for drinks with his assistant alone?

This ^ would be a massive problem for me regardless of the reason or the rest of the bullshit, given your history.

Cabrinha Mon 30-May-16 14:00:03

MaMao "gentle and sensitive"?
If this wasn't the OP's life here, that would be funny.

All his crying before?

That's not sensitivity - that's just total manipulative bullshit drama queen crap.

Jan45 Mon 30-May-16 14:04:29

That just does not add up, sorry but I'd not trust him.

Emptynestx2 Mon 30-May-16 14:23:55

I don't understand why he felt the need to tell you - is he trying to keep you on your toes by subtly letting you know other women still fancy him.....

Fleek123 Mon 30-May-16 14:25:08

I have never had any reason not to trust him in the whole 15 years of marriage. He has always worked in a job where his work colleagues are men, and I think he is very naive with boundaries with female colleagues, that's all. He is definitely remorseful with what happened last year

LobsterQuadrille Mon 30-May-16 14:31:15

Hi OP, sorry but I can only agree with other PPs especially Anchor - why on earth do you take someone aside to tell them that a) you can't possibly have an affair with them but that b) you had such an affair a year ago? It simply doesn't add up, regardless of his naivety and lack of boundaries as you say - it suggests that he is a lot more wily that you assume.

Fleek123 Mon 30-May-16 14:34:37

He said he made a terrible mistake last year that caused me incredible hurt and that he would never do that to me again. I don't ever know what he confronted her about it, he's desperately sorry now and said he wanted to nip anything in the bud straight away.

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