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Looks like I will be dropping DD1 off at university by myself

(131 Posts)
freshmint Mon 30-May-16 10:34:13

I'm really sad about this. We have 4 dc. Eldest doing A levels and off to uni in the autumn.
Earlier this year DH told me that he, his brothers and nephews were going to go over to France to the WW1 battlefields to be at the grave of his great uncle on the 100th anniversary of his death in September. They have visited that grave about every 5 years since he was a kid. I pointed out that if DD chose a Scottish university, that weekend would be the start of freshers week. If she chose an English one it would be OK.
He booked it all up at a time when she was holding offers from 1 Scottish and 2 English unis. I asked what he would do if it clashed with taking her to a Scottish uni. He said of course he wouldn't go to France but would take her to uni with me.
Well, she has firmed the Scottish uni. Her offer is lower than her predictions. We assume she is going there. This weekend DD and I looked at all the halls choices and she applied for accommodation. I thought I'd better book a hotel in Edinburgh as we are in the south east and it is about a 7 hour drive to Edinburgh.

DH makes it clear it is my trip with DD because he "will be in France". So I have to do 14 hours driving in 36 hours by myself (DD not insure able in my car) and stay in Edinburgh by myself after dropping dd off.
I'm really sad. Sad that we won't be sharing in this quite significant event of our first child leaving home. Sad he won't be sharing in the adventure and amusement of the trip. Sad that he doesn't think a night in a lovely hotel in one of the most beautiful cities in the UK with his wife is something he would like to do.
I'm actually for the first time ever seriously thinking that our marriage might not survive the kids leaving home. We seem to be drifting apart.

I did ask him why he wasn't coming to Edinburgh and he said "DD doesn't want me to come, do you DD?" And called her over and said "do you need me to come to drop you off to university?" She said "no" and wandered off and he said "See?" To me... Like he was a seven year old and I was his mum about to stop him from playing in the Xbox.

Anyway I just thought I would vent. I'm sad.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Mon 30-May-16 10:41:55

So he went back on what he said?

I get the significance of the 100th anniversary... But surely priority should be placed on the living?

IamtheDevilsAvocado Mon 30-May-16 10:42:42

Also is it possible to drop DD1 either slightly earlier /later aroubd his trip?

freshmint Mon 30-May-16 10:46:41

Yes avocado, he has reneged. It isn't possible to do both - both dropping off at uni and the anniversary are on the Saturday.
Of course at one point it was looking like one of his brothers couldn't make it to France that weekend and there was talk about moving it to the following weekend. At that point the enormous significance of the anniversary itself seemed to be waved aside.

I think the bottom line is that he just really fancies a trip to France with his brothers more than he fancies a trip to Scotland with his wife and daughter.

SanityClause Mon 30-May-16 10:50:22

I don't see the issue, really. Lots of people go off to university on their own, on the train. If 14 hours driving is too much (which it would be for me) you could break the journey, or take the train together, or fly.

4seasons Mon 30-May-16 10:50:48

Firstly I would tell your DH that the living are more important than the dead ! Even if your daughter isn't that bothered about him going , you are and that should be good enough for him to change his plans. On the other hand if all he will do is sulk if he accompanies you them I'd tell him not to bother......BUT , I would be booking a couple of nights in a hotel up in Scotland and not rushing back. After all , he's spending family cash going to France. Is there a friend that can go with you and enjoy the " mini holiday ". Who looks after the other DC whilst you take your daughter to uni ? Tell him he will be responsible for organising childcare if needed. He is selfish and obviously used to his needs getting priority. Time to start making your needs a priority too or he'll treat you like a doormat. Sometimes people like him need a bit of a shake up to realise you aren't just an appendage. I speak from experience .... without going into detail I finally spoke my mind ( didn't shout or make a fuss) about an issue I had been bottling up. My DH was quite shocked at what I said. He said it wasn't pleasant to see himself as others saw him !!

hellsbells99 Mon 30-May-16 10:51:50

Difficult one Op. I can see your point of view totally but having taken DD1 to university last year, all she wanted was for us to drop her off as quick as possible. We went off to do some food shopping for her whilst DD2 was allowed to help her set up her room! Have you got anyone else who could go with you for company? You could book a weekend/overnight visit with your DH after your DD has been there a few weeks.
I have 2 starting as freshers this year and if they both end up at their first choice, it looks like they will be going to different places on the same day ....not sure how I will manage that one.

ProteusRising Mon 30-May-16 10:51:50

I'm sorry but why do either of you need to be there? I took myself to university.

Or if you insist on going and you don't want to drive all that way alone, then fly?

ohtheholidays Mon 30-May-16 10:51:53

Oh OP that's so sad,like you I can't believe he'd miss something so important for your DD and you both as her parents.

I hope you and your DD have an amazing time together,I bet you will and she'll always remember that you put her first.I can understand why it's making you question your relationship with your husband honestly I'm pretty sure I'd feel the same as you.

Unicow Mon 30-May-16 10:51:54

I would say it's not the trip but the now refusing to go when he said he would. It's a significant event for you as a family. It's a huge trip for you to do on your own. He isn't being fair. If they were willing to move the trip for another brother they should be moving it anyway. There is no reason he can't do both. I would be incredibly upset and disappointed also.

kittybiscuits Mon 30-May-16 10:51:58

It's very poor behaviour and his method of dealing with it is very childish. Does he have form for selfish and inconsiderate behaviour OP? I'm not surprised you are pondering the future.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 30-May-16 10:54:11

I don't know. Both my parents took me to university but I wouldn't have been devasted if just one ended up coming. Can he not go and visit her once she's settled in and take her out for the day instead?

It sounds like this a bit of "straw that broke the camel's back" situation as I don't see why, on it's own, it's a reason to think your marriage won't survive?

LizKeen Mon 30-May-16 10:54:23

I can totally understand why you are upset. I would be too. University is a long way off for my DC but it is actually a big occasion in my eyes, and even if your DD isn't bothered about him not being there (though I am not convinced that is the case) it is something that as a couple you should enjoy and get through together.

Is he somehow more upset about the thought of your first DC leaving than he is letting on and is trying to avoid facing it? I am clutching at straws really. But worth considering. You do say you feel as though you are drifting apart, so maybe not.

Is the drifting apart just this, or is there more to that feeling?

TwentyCupsOfTea Mon 30-May-16 10:54:36

DO NOT book a hotel in edinburgh as suggested by 4seasons. It's her freshers week and your daughter will not want you hanging around.
I think it seems like your daughter really doesn't mind, and no one needs to take her anyway - she is now an adult.

kittybiscuits Mon 30-May-16 10:57:16

I'm presuming the hotel booking is so that OP can sleep after 7 hour drive before the solo return leg!

LauraAshleyDuvetCover Mon 30-May-16 10:59:26

I went with just my DM and DSis (to Edinburgh funnily enough), because my DF was working away at the time.

While I think it is selfish of him, especially when he's known for a long time, it might actually be easier being just the two of you - mind you my DF is awful for forced jollity and would have wanted to just leave me and go, whereas DM saw me the next day and took me to do some shopping etc. The driving does sound tough though - could you break it by doing a night elsewhere on the way back, or will that be a problem with the other DC?

freshmint Mon 30-May-16 10:59:52

I agree neither of us have to be there but I thought we both wanted to. Difficult for her to fly or take the train by herself with all her stuff. And since she is going to be dropped off I thought we had agreed to do it together. I know she is going to want us to drop her off and get going almost immediately - so I will be left in a swanky hotel room eating dinner by myself when actually it would have been lovely to have had that time with DH.

His plan is to take the other three kids to France. Although he wanted to only take the boys so tried to get the youngest DD (10) to come to Edinburgh. She said she didn't want to spend the weekend in the car driving to Scotland and would also go to France thanks very much.

Yes DH is one of those people who gets lots of praise for doing stuff with the kids etc but actually he pretty much does whatever he wants whenever he wants. So selfish in quite an outwardly endearing way.

peggyundercrackers Mon 30-May-16 11:01:07

sounds like your both coming at it from different places - he thinks its a functional trip to drop your dd off and you think its a kind of romantic night away in Edinburgh.

7 hrs driving isn't that bad really, once you get past the preston area the roads get much quieter. if you don't want to drive all that way get the train? if you book in advance it wont cost that much.

NewIdeasToday Mon 30-May-16 11:02:00

Given how much stuff my son takes to uni you'd struggle to fit a third person in the car anyway!

It might not be what you planned originally, but you could use this as a lovely opportunity to spend some special time with your daughter before she starts. Why not head off a day early with her and stop overnight somewhere before Edinburgh? Then you could drop her off and drive home the next day.

freshmint Mon 30-May-16 11:03:10

My fears for my marriage are not about this per se, but about the fact that we seem to be drifting apart and doing different things at different times. A few years ago he would have loved a road trip and a stay in Edinburgh with me - now he would rather do something else without me. I just feel that our relationship is changing and this episode is just evidence of that.

caroldecker Mon 30-May-16 11:04:06

What is happening to your other 3 if you both go to Scotland?

freshmint Mon 30-May-16 11:04:51

Yes maybe that's it Peggy.
Maybe I should just say it doesn't matter that I'm upset and he should do what he wants. I do that a lot, lately.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 30-May-16 11:05:41

Yes, I agree with peggy that you're both seeing it differently. He's thinking there's no need for both of you to be stuck in a car for 14+ hours, whereas you're seeing it as an opportunity to spend time alone with him.

Can you not see it as a chance to spend some time with DD? You could go up a few days early, book a hotel, see the sights, drop her off at university and drive back on the day you drop her off? My parents used to come up individually to see me at university and we had days out (I was only 2 hours from home) and I loved that grown up, one-on-one time.

It's not like your DH is going on a jolly - he's going to take the other three kids on his own! Just see it as some time to spend alone with your DD while he as time with your other children. He can go and visit your DD once she's settled in.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 30-May-16 11:06:27

Have you explained to him how upset you are?

peggyundercrackers Mon 30-May-16 11:07:49

now he would rather do something else without me

but hes taking his kids to do something and spending time with extended family as well. I don't think that's a bad thing tbh

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