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Sleeping with a scum bag...

(8 Posts)
Letthesunshinexxx Mon 30-May-16 09:47:33

Just need to rant really and if you've got advice let me know please.
My friend who is 30 has 3 kids between 4 and 8.
She started sleeping with a man with a girlfriend who is a disgusting creature,he uses her when he wants sex.
Just rings her when he wants his leg over.
Sometimes going months without talking to her.
My friend was in a pub a year ago and he was with his girlfriend and proposed to her in front of my friend and she still slept with him 8 weeks later when he text her.
She caught std from him too and still continued to text him.
How many times I've told her he doesn't even like you,your just a woman to have sex with(got to a point where I was sick of sugarcoating it)
She deleted his number after she was in hospital and told him and he replied "and why you telling me,not my problem"
Then this guys girlfriend left him and he tried to kill himself(clear indication to my friend he loved his girlfriend).
Tuesday morning he text my friend and by the night he was in her bed..just like that.
She has 3 kids in the house with her yet she tells me he took drugs in her house,she said I told him he could do it in the living room rather than sneak to my bathroom to do it.
I really don't understand how stupid she is being,surely any other person would of said you aren't doing drugs in my house never mind just in my living room.
I'm sick of listening to her and telling her that he is a creep.
How can she not see?why is she being so thick?
Her defense was well he didn't delete my number...why would he when he knows your easy for sex.
I don't mean to sound nasty but I give her advice when she asks yet she still does it.
Out of ideas

pouncehill Mon 30-May-16 09:52:13

If she was my friend I would be giving her a slap!
He had a girlfriend. He's an arsehole. He does drugs in her house.
What a catch he sounds

NoahVale Mon 30-May-16 09:57:52

her self esteem must be rock bottom.
make her feel better.
leave her to it.

Yeahthatwasme Mon 30-May-16 10:50:33

I'm sick of listening to her and telling her that he is a creep.
How can she not see?why is she being so thick?

I've name changed for this having posted here before about my experiences and seeking advicee.

I was in a near identical situation - not quite as bad perhaps in some ways (no suicide threats, public humiliation or drugs) but worse in others (he was married) - but I was utterly in love with a complete complete b*st*rd. Honestly, I still am.

When you say "why can't she see" - OF COURSE she can see. Of course she can. I knew I was being treated terribly. I knew he was using me for sex. I knew that I was letting him.

The thing was that I really felt powerless to stop it. It was like an addiction. It probably was an addiction. He triggered (and that is the right word) a response in me that was irrational but compulsive. He is highly manipulative and knew damn well how to push my buttons, say what I wanted to hear at the right moment.

Many many people told me I should get counselling or therapy about it - but I resisted - deep down believing this was some kind of love story and eventually he'd see the light, realise how much I loved him blurble blurb blah blah wurble wurble shit.

Many many times I deleted his number/went no contact/ found the strength to resist for a while (some times many months) but eventually I'd weaken - and like your freind end up in bed with him within 24 hours having not spoken to him for months.

The end point for me was when he dumped me yet again (if you can "dump" an OW) and I was sick of the cycling of it. It was making me very depressed and destroying my self esteem I realised I needed to stop it otherwise I would be still doing this when I was 60 and probably be suicidal.. So I decided finally to see some therapy. I know I am still vulnerable to him if he comes round again but have learnt techniques to protect myself. I hope I am better but the real test will be if he tries to contact me again in future.

Anyway to answer your question:
your friend knows full well he's treating her like shit
there is a small chance she is just using him for sex too but it is more likely he is triggering some reaction in her that means she is basically suffering from an addiciton
until she gets to the point she wants to help herself, there is nothing you can do

Please try and stay in the background of her life to be there for her. It will happen that she'll see the light but it probably won't be til she hits rock bottom.And then she'll really need you.

Yeahthatwasme Mon 30-May-16 11:00:53

Oh and I definitely did think that there was something more there than just sex because he kept coming back to me.

At the time, I liked to delude myself that it was an embryonic byronic tempustous love affair that kept him returning.

I still now do think that there was something more than sex but it wasn't anything good. I think it was a very toxic power game that kept him coming back. Men like that can get sex anywhere easily without trying. He had no need to keep coming back to me. It is actually much more sick and warped than just using someone to get his leg over. I think he got off in some way on feeling that I adored him, he could reject me at his whim and I would still be there for him. I think I was serving an equally triggering toxic need in him. So there is something more than sex there - and if you are addicted to a person, its easy to pretend to yourself that the "something more than sex" is the basis for something good in future. It really really isn't.

But she won't see it until she wants to.

SandyY2K Mon 30-May-16 14:34:03

Some people are gluttons for punishment. I know whether her self esteem is so low, but I find many single OWs are just broken souls. They are told it's just a physical thing and that he loves his wife. The reality is that the man only loves himself.

The sooner women like her found some self respect, the sooner they'd stop being used as a booty call.

It's a sad state of affairs really. No wonder the DCs of individuals like her end up repeating the cycle. They've learnt the behaviour from the person who should be their first role model in life.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 30-May-16 14:55:46

She sounds like she's severely lacking in self esteem. She's got to be to keep letting him come back.
If it was me I would have been tempted to tell his gf what he was upto while he was proposing, and not to piss on her parade. She's certainly the very innocent party, but because. She should know what a lying cheating scumbag she is marrying.

jbee1979 Mon 30-May-16 20:35:27

Excellent reply Yeahthatwasme

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