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I'm Asian and my Partner is black, my parents "disowned" me and I'm pregnant..

(36 Posts)
MakiJ Mon 30-May-16 02:13:15

Always thoughts my parents would be happy for me as long as I was happy, but when they found out that my partner was black, they got very upset saying I had not been respecting my own culture and should have consulted with them before I started dating my partner.

Living in London, you would have more chance to meet people from all over the world and I have fallen in love with this amazing guy, never thought that my parents would be against me. Little did I know my parents were racist which upsetting enough, I was talking about how happy he made me, and how I moved on from my previous stale relationship. They didn't want to know me any more and stopped talking to me all together. You might say that I should've known my parents better, typical Asian mentality that you need to find someone from the same "nationality". Never imagined my parents would be one of those typical Asians..

Now that I'm pregnant, I would love to share the great news but because of the current situation where they have been acting as if they disowned me, I don't know what to do. The hardest thing is that I can't tell my partner why my parents don't want to meet him or speak with him sad Any advice would be appreciated.... biscuit

43percentburnt Mon 30-May-16 04:07:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Maki - why do you feel you cannot tell your dp? He may well be upset or annoyed that your parents disapprove of him despite having never met him but that's not your fault. I'm guessing your previous partner was acceptable to them. If your dp has never met your parents maybe he does realise there is an issue.

Do you have any relatives who are accepting? Siblings, aunts, uncles etc? Could they speak to your parents?

im sorry you are in this situation - do you think they will change their mind now they are having a grandchild?

FishWithABicycle Mon 30-May-16 04:14:53

I think you can tell your partner. It would be dishonest not to. Racism is racism, don't try to hide it or make excuses for it. Live your life. Your parents can choose for themselves how they react - they may be OK. They may be doing a rather childish and petty kind of NC at the moment in the hopes of guilting you into being more conventional, but will give up on that when they realise how serious you are about your dp. Don't allow their reaction to worry you whatever it is. Your first priority is your baby, your second is your dp. The rest of your family may or may not choose to be part of your life - you will be OK either way.

CookieDoughKid Mon 30-May-16 04:27:18

I've been where you are before but with my ex's parents. My one regret was not telling them they were completely out of line and racist. I regret not telling them to fuck off as well. I'm much stronger now than I was back then.

I know it's incredibly difficult for you but you will have a baby and you need to stick up for yourselves and live a decent true life. If they don't want to know it's their problem not yours. My babies are mixed raced and beautiful . You will be fine.

Talk to your partner. You are a team and will need each other. Asians can be the worst racists, I know all about that but leave them be. Don't let it affect you you are the one in control. Congratulations btw.

MakiJ Mon 30-May-16 08:22:57

Aww thank you everyone for your advice flowers not only cheering me up but also putting me into reality I do need to have an open conversation with him and that, I didn't even think. I am embarrassed that my parents are racist and yes my ex was accepted as if he was my husband they would buy him gifts and always asked how he was.. envy

Whilst I'm all excited and happy with my pregnancy this situation has upset me and I'm glad I have received support here today, much appreciated smile

hellsbellsmelons Mon 30-May-16 08:28:39

Congrats. That's lovely news.
Do your parents know about the pregnancy?
As PPs say.
Be honest with your DP.
You love each other and that's what matters here.

MakiJ Mon 30-May-16 08:44:19

Thank you smile No I haven't told my parents about pregnancy sad scared of their reaction but I'm not giving up on my life grin

Borisrules Mon 30-May-16 08:56:47

Sending you flowers 😞 This is going to be the happiest time of your life - lovely relationship and new gorgeous baby.
This happened to a friend of mine and her parents were very racist. In the end she told them how far from acceptable their behaviour was and how racist they were. It all blew up at the time and then eventually they came round (mostly). They finally realised I think how gorgeous their son in law was but even then I don't think they fully accepted it. They did the best they could (elderly white South African parents) but still made comments like "our grandchildren our lovely, of course they are coffee coloured"
The bottom line is I think you should tell them about your pregnancy. I think you should point out how awful/racist their behaviour is and tell them that you would be happy to continue seeing them but that any plans must include your partner.
Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy/baby!

SandyY2K Mon 30-May-16 08:57:42

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

What a terrible shame your parents feel this way. As a black person myself I find it so upsetting that people don't see beyond the skin colour and get to know an individual for who they are.

I've known friends face similar issues, either my black female friends not being accepted by the white or Asian family or once my Asian female friend had to leave her family home when she got with a white man. She married and had 2 Kids and her parents or siblings never met them. She contacted them after her first one was born and they told her they weren't interested. So she vowed never to speak to them again.

Maybe your family will be different.

Do you have any siblings? I wondered if they could try and talk to your parents about it.

As far as career and personality is your DP the kind of man they'd like if he was Asian?

I know it's not the Asian culture to have kids outside of marriage as it can bring shame on the family. Have there been any discussions of marriage? Black men have a reputation for creating babies all over the place and not committing to the mothers. In reality men from all over the world are capable of doing this, but the whole baby mama stuff stemmed from them.

Would they not think even worse of him if there is no mention of marriage?

Finola1step Mon 30-May-16 09:04:31

The only thing you need to do right now is have an honest conversation with your dp about the situation. But on some level, he probably already knows.

Congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

MakiJ Mon 30-May-16 09:36:03

Aww another amazing advice and support in grateful thank you wonderful MN people smileflowers in sad there are other people in the same or similar situations, why skin colour, culture, language whatever the difference is has to stop us from being happy.. I told my parents how embarrassed I was to have found my own parents being racist, in the past they have been ok bud didn't comment much about my ex partners being not Asian or Asian. They responded that they were not racist (hmm??) but just concerned how others perceive my relationship with non Asian.. I was like ah, why does that matter when I'm happy and if that's what they are concerned then it's more that how they would be perceived by others.. I'm the only child unfortunately I have a very small family my extended relatives fell out over grandparents' asset and all sorts of silly stuff...

I've learnt from you all today that I do need to talk to my partner first, I have been telling him my parents are out of the country for a while but can't keep lying sad

Although the situation hasn't changed or resolved, getting responses here has cheered me up and I don't feel "alone" any more, thank you again. flowersstarflowersstar

noeuf Mon 30-May-16 09:37:54

How long have you been together? Why does your partner think he hasn't met your parents yet?

AnotherStitchInTime Mon 30-May-16 09:48:31

I am white, husband black. We have 3 mixed race children. If my family had reacted like yours I would have disowned them.

Once you have a child you become their protector and that includes defending them from negative racist views even if they are your own family. I know that you love your parents, but the love you will have for your child is something different, they have to come first.

Talk to your DP. It will not be the first time he has experienced racism. Be aware though, he will not likely react positively and might seek to not expose your child and himself to them even if their position changes as they have already shown their true beliefs.

Congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

lljkk Mon 30-May-16 09:53:14

I had a teenage friend who went thru this in the 1980s. Not Asian but another socially conservative ethnic minority. It didn't help that her parents caught her in bed at home with the black boyfriend.

The parents couldn't back-peddle fast enough to swallow their prejudices when they discovered she was pregnant. A child was more important than their prejudices. They have good relationship with her now. Maybe it helps that her siblings told parents they were wrong, & a younger sibling also mostly dated black guys, and ended up as a victim of DV when she did briefly go with a guy from their own ethnic group sad . That kind of destroyed their prejudice that own ethnic group was best.

I think you should use mutual friends to let your parents know you're pg & leave it with them if they want to build bridges. Also send pictures after baby is born. Drip drip campaign.

CookieDoughKid Mon 30-May-16 13:55:55

In my experience, your parents fear of how people react is really a tiny minority. Most people are extremely positive of mixed race relationships and don't even bat and eye lid. In my social circle, what race you are isn't even mentioned! ! It's 2016, not 1950. Your parents need to get with the times!!

MakiJ Mon 30-May-16 22:25:15

smileblushflowers aww thank you for all your advice and comments again flowers true it's 2016 why racism still exists I'm embarrassed by own parents' attitude sad today randomly my partner's mum asked how my parents were and if they were OK with my partner being black, I couldn't comment much. And he thinks they are just out of the country so can't meet him in person confused but this isn't right I need to talk to him asap.. This sounds horrible but if they don't accept us and the new little one, then I know I will have to focus on my new family, give my parents space and time to think over the whole situation. I don't want anyone to experience stuff like this; can't buy happiness with money and whatever it takes we need to be happy for our family...

BotanicalPJs Mon 30-May-16 22:49:07

Congratulations on your pregnancy! As others have said, be honest with your partner and his family. It'll be very obvious that you don't share your parents' views. At the moment, you're leaving them guessing.

You might find your parents mellow once they meet their grandchild. Whatever the outcome, you and your partner need to be a strong team and provide the right environment for your baby to grow up happy.

I discovered my mum is a racist after I married my husband. I was so shocked, she hid it well. I try to keep a polite relationship with her nowadays but don't contact her as much as I used to.

SandyY2K Mon 30-May-16 23:25:17

Some parents come round when a grandchild comes along. I had a black friend who married a white man and his parents weren't keen on him marrying her, but his mum especially.

Her MIL actually said that when they had kids it would be like bouncing a little monkey on your lap. I'm not quite sure how she didn't loose her rag TBH, but my friend wouod just say they were ignorant.

MakiJ

Is it a case of prejudice as opposed to racism with your parents? Sometimes people want their children to marry someone from the same ethnic background as them, but that in itself doesn't make them racist. Although the choice of who you end up with is down to you alone.

Would they be the same if your partner was white do you think?

Iflyaway Mon 30-May-16 23:36:21

Don,t be afraid to talk to him about this. Being Black he's known prejudice all his life.

Talk to him. Get it out into the open. You will need this to overcome all prejudice in life and that of your child. Congratulations by the way!

I have a biracial child. Both sides of the family adore him, even tho both had their misgivings, due to living in a racist society. He's doing really well in life too, cos we all rose above that bullshit and taught him to be proud of who he is, and look past that pettiness.

Anyway, so many mixed kids now the racists are a looking like the throwback they are to the 50,s grin

MakiJ Mon 30-May-16 23:50:16

Thank you for your kind advice and sharing stories smile I was unable to talk with anyone about this until yesterday and now I'm feeling positive and stronger thanks to you all. I'm upset for those who have gone through the same sitar join but I see everyone remains strong and positive and doing what is the best for their families and themselves, this is inspiring flowers

I think my parents will never be happy for me whoever I have a relationship with; unless arranged marriage envy even if I were with another Asian but from different part of Asia then that wouldn't go down well either sad

I've written down everyone's advice so I will chat with my partner. Great to know grandchild could change the relationship with my parents so that would be another way of changing their opinions confused

SandyY2K Tue 31-May-16 00:52:28

So really they just want you to marry within the culture and the religion in accordance with tradition.

I'd say it's more prejudice than racism from what you've said. If they were truly racist ( which is believing their race is superior to others) you would probably have known it all the years you lived with them.

They need to realise that times have changed now, especially when you live in the western world and that the decision is yours to make.

All too often the major worry is what the rest of the community will think.

There's one thinking with wanting your child to be with someone from your own race, but disowning them takes it too far.

With you being an only child I'd have thought they would not want to loose you like this. At the end of the day, they will end up all lonely as they age.

You just need strength in your relationship and understand that you can't change their way of thinking.

bumbleclat Tue 31-May-16 06:40:18

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm so sorry that your parents are so ignorant. It must feel for you, like a mind of grief being made to choose between your partner and and your parents. But they have put you in that position, if it wasn't for their ignorance you'd all be getting excited about this baby together.
Distance yourself from them, they don't deserve an integrated and whole family life if they are going to look through these narrow lenses. It should be enough that you are happy I wish you all the luck in the world.

MakiJ Tue 31-May-16 22:57:55

Hello again SandyY2K I look and sound like I'm full of problems from my partner not wanting to live with me to my difficult parents confused I appreciate your advice smile

MakiJ Tue 31-May-16 23:00:37

bumbleclat smilesmile** thank you for your kind advice, yes for now I will leave them alone and focus on myself. grin I also have another problem with my partner who wouldn't move in with me but at the end of the day I should be happy and grateful, I get support from all of you here and I trust more than my friends blush (they are good too but most of them haven't been in my position / situation) have a nice evening, hope all is well & you are happy flowersstarflowersstarflowers

MaMaof04 Wed 01-Jun-16 13:21:21

Congratulations on your pregnancy and PURITY. (INMO there are no pure race - there are only PURE human being who do look beyond the color of the skin or the 'ethnicity' of the people they meet/live with.)
I agree with what all other posters wrote here, and especially (stitch by stich) with AnotherStichInTime's post. Its message is: children first.
Your full allegiance is now to your baby and his dad. He must know about your 'parents' reaction'. That is a fundamental right of your baby's dad. If your parents are not happy- then tough on them. Maybe they will change when they will see the baby/ Maybe not. Anyway give them time to 'digest' the news and see how it goes. Be the adult. If they change their mind, rejoice for the baby. If not protect him/her and his/her dad and 'divorce' your parents. Nurture your relationship and both of you focus on having a steady income and a lot of love for the baby. The rest is minor. (IMO the most attractive and healthy kids are kids from mixed races. Just look at the countries that give the world most of the top-models and you will find out they are the same countries as the countries with most mixed race kids. Argentina- Brazil- etc

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