Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Why would my ex behave so coldly (Needing a friend)(6 Posts)
Hey guys. I guess I'm here now because I need a few friends, I need to vent and I'm trying to figure out what my ex's problem was - rather than what was wrong with me. I'm the type of person that loves to understand people, their personalities, the way they work - and I'm confused about my ex. I guess I want outsider perspective.
3 months ago he ended our 4 year relationship over a text message. 4 hours previously he had been fine with me, we had been cuddled up in his bed watching movies. His only excuse to me was that he was unhappy and the relationship wasn't right for him anymore. I heard nothing from him for a month.
I had to contact him after a month as I discovered I was pregnant with his child. He told me from day 1 he didn't believe me and he told me to never contact him again and just get rid of the baby (if I was telling the truth, he claimed) I didn't want to abort but being as though I have constant bad luck my body basically did it for me. I had a miscarriage around a month ago. The doctors said there was probably no real reason but they said it could have been triggered by all of the emotional stress I had been under. I stopped eating and drinking and even sleeping as I was that depressed just after my ex left me. It can't have been healthy for my baby and I still have to live with that every day, with what I did.
I contacted my ex via an email with the scan photos, the appointment letters (Officially signed by doctors) and a few positive pregnancy tests from when I first found out. I guess I kind of did it as a 'Do you believe me now???!' type gesture. I told him I had lost the baby and I sent him the official discharge letter I had received from the hospital - again signed by a midwife. The reason I initially made a mumsnet account was because I had found out I was pregnant. I was actually excited for this baby, I thought it'd bring new beginnings.
Of course he never replied to this email. 2 months goes by. Last night I was out with my friends. We saw him in a night club with a couple of his male friends. My best friend told me I needed to leave. She said this in my best interest because she knew I was drunk and very emotional still.
My friends took me outside and my best friend being very hot headed when back inside and confronted my ex. She told him he had left me throughout my pregnancy (He told her I was lying and had never been pregnant even though she came to the hospital with me the day I miscarried) She also told him that he had broken my heart so severely. His response to this was "I don't care anymore. Tell her to move on with her life as I have" He then went on to ask my best friend where I was and who the two guys were that I came in with. Strange comments really when he claimed he 'didn't care about me and had moved on' My best friend told him the guys were my friends and that I was outside waiting for her. He apparently shrugged this off and went back to his friends.
I don't think he realises how badly his comment hurt me about how I need to move on. I've tried so hard to move on with my life. I was getting better until I saw him in the night club. I can't understand how or why he changed so hard and fast. In our relationship we were so close. We were best friends, did everything together. I was his first girlfriend. We got together at 16 and 17. We shared so much together. He supported me through the death of one of my grandparents last year. He supported me through a major operation I had to have on my heart around 8 months ago - he would literally come to the hospital and wash my wounds and help shower me. How has a guy like that changed into the arrogant, careless prick he was last night?
The first thing my friend said about it was that she thought his friends had caused it. Just before we broke up he kept seeing his friends more and sort of leaving me for them. I never thought it would come to the point that he would leave me, however.
I don't understand how no part of him wonders about me. How he really doesn't care or love me anymore because I still care about him and love him - it's only been 3 months. Your feelings can't die that fast. Why didn't he come out of the night club to see how I was?
I know I sound so pathetic and entitled right now but my head is a mess. He's really screwed me up and he doesn't seem to realise it - or if he does he 'doesn't care' as stated by himself.
We planned a life together, children, a house, holidays, travelling the world and then he dumped me over a text. Months later he saw me in a night club and did his best to point out that he was over me. I know this is probably the shock I needed but I'm absolutely distraught to put it bluntly. I feel cold inside as this wasn't the guy he used to be.
I have no fear of seeing him again any time soon during the next year because he told my friend that he never comes out drinking. Apparently he was only out for someones birthday. My friend said she was very confused as to why he had said this as it was a very random comment, but I guess we'll never know.
He told my best friend he wanted to stay single for a while, that he wanted me to be happy and move on with my life. The more she told me about his words the more I felt hurt because I realised he really was officially done with me, and he didn't regret his decision. I spent months wondering if he regret his decision, if he'd ever come back - and last night I got my answer.
What do you guys think about the situation? I just really need to vent right now, and get outsider perspective. I sort of need a friend as I've never felt more alone.
Youre very young. He is done with this relationship. You need to block him so you cannot see what he is doing and begin to move on. Have a chat to someone about birth control too. There is nothing more for you with this man. Go out with your friends.
I think you've been through a very traumatic time with the miscarriage and are quite rightly still adjusting to all the changes that have happened in such a short space of time.
It feels bad now but it will start to ease little by little. The positive from all this is you know once and for all the door to that relationship is closed so you can start to let go and not live with false hope.
I think you need to give yourself time and space to grieve for the end of one chapter of your life. But rest assured another chapter will begin again soon and you'll be stronger and wiser.
Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much. You won't get all the answers you are looking for as life is rarely that neat but you should as time goes on get a greater understanding from your own perspective.
It will get better.
you've had a very difficult time. Lots of things have happened at once. A lot of guys and girls act like this when a relationship ends. They become very cold towards their ex as part of them ending the relationship. I expect ending the relationship was very distressing and upsetting for him too but many people won't show this infront of the ex. At least he is clear. It's definitely over so you can move on now. It will get easier. Take each day as it comes. Expect to feel very upset at times. Some people find it helpful to have a few things planned to look forward to. Like a trip somewhere or a night out with the girls or even learning something new. That gives them something to look forward to on the bad days. Remember You will feel better with time. See this as time to focus on yourself, learning what you like to do, enjoying spendingn time with friends family etc. doing what you want for a while. It's very hard but you will feel better in time
Your only young you might not believe me but you will be happy again, trust me I once felt like you now. I wondered what the hell did I see him now unfortunately I have to see him because of DS. Often it's normal for relationships which start young to fizzle out which seems to happen in this case. Although it is pretty shit to be dumped and your normal to feel this way for a while. When someone breaks up with someone they already recovered from the relationship where as the person who's been dumped it's fresh and raw. Your grieving the lost of that relationship which is normal. I'm sorry he was a prick to you and the circumstances in which you lost your baby you shouldn't of had to go throughout without support at least you had your best friend with you. I always wondered if my ex regretted it as he walked out on us after I helped him when he was poorly, only for him to go off with his ex and start a drug binge whilst I was left holding the baby literally. I remember crying myself to sleep, wondering what I did wrong, I was lonely, lost my home everything. I went down to 7stone. Eventfully I got a job went socialising with my friends, cared for my DS and met my DH. I was single for a full year but I needed that time to be on my own. I have never looked back since and I went on to have another 2DC and never been happier. I know my ex wanted his family back but I never gave him the time of day.
I can't understand how or why he changed so hard and fast.... We got together at 16 and 17. We shared so much together. He supported me through the death of one of my grandparents last year. He supported me through a major operation I had to have on my heart around 8 months ago - ...How has a guy like that changed into the arrogant, careless prick he was last night?*
He hasn't changed as a person, it's just that his feelings for you have changed and this is the only way he can deal with that - by shutting down emotionally. You are both still so young and it's very common for one partner in this sort of teenage first love scenario to outgrow the other and just start to feel trapped and have a need to know what it's like to be young free and single. He is ready to move on and he's recognised that he isn't ready to be tied to one relationship. Things like this don't come out of the blue, they dawn on you slowly but it can take a while to be brave enough to leave your comfort zone and make the break.
Perhaps he stayed with you longer than he really wanted to because he didn't want to dump you so soon after your major surgery and your bereavement.
It's never nice being dumped and granted he should not have done it by text after four years together, but maybe he tried to tell you before how he was feeling and you weren't listening? There is no nice, easy gentle way to break up with someone - it's always shit.
Sometimes people behave very coldly during and after a break-up because it's the only way they can cope with the guilt and the constant pressure from their ex to change their mind. Trying to stay friendly with the person you've just dumped is all very well in theory but it just gives them false hope and makes it harder on them in the long run.
Join the discussion
Please login first.