Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

how do I find out for sure?

(41 Posts)
justnodandsmile Sun 29-May-16 19:17:07

So today I found a receipt, from a woman's clothes store in my husbands wallet. There was only an amount and a barcode so I have no idea what he bought. They only sell women's things and the date stamp was during a week when I was working away from home. I have not received any gift and it would be very out of character for him to buy me anything. I don't know what to make of it - it could be innocent.
Our relationship is pretty shit. He treats me like I'm irrelevant, is controlling, critical and unkind but after over 10 years together I didn't see this ever coming. Although recently he has made a few classic suspicious moves, such as suddenly taking an interest in the way he looks and spending ridiculous amounts on a new wardrobe (this is VERY out of character- I don't think he's bought himself anything for over 5 years!) and starting to do weights. He works late a lot (but to be fair he always has), started mentioning a new girl at work a lot in what was I suspect an attempt to make me jealous. I didn't bite and he's stopped mentioning her now but it made me feel as though he is/was maybe in the 'pre affair' stage. He's going on a 'work outing' weekend away soon which she will be attending.
Can anyone help me work out how I can find out if he's having an affair? Hiring a private investigator is out as he controls all our money. I have two small dcs I can't leave to follow him and his work place is closely monitored so I'd worry I'd be picked up on cctv if I just started hanging around in his car park. I know I've shot myself in the foot with this one but I don't know how to access our joint bank account and he receives all of his statements online. I do know a couple of people he works with but not sure where their loyalty would lie. God I'm such an idiot. Any advice? I feel sick and need to know if there is anything going on.

happypoobum Sun 29-May-16 19:30:29

Show him the receipt and ask him if he is cross dressing? Say it turned up in the washing machine.

Is he surgically attached to his mobile phone?

AnyFucker Sun 29-May-16 19:33:26

I'd say your husband already treats you like shit so what more "evidence" do you need before you get shut of him ?

justnodandsmile Sun 29-May-16 19:36:44

Ha! Cross dressing is out as they definitely wouldn't have anything in his size blushI don't really want to ask him as I feel there is a strong possibility I might be heading for a divorce and if that's the case I really need to get things in order before I let him know and he starts manipulating things.
Normally he leaves his phone lying all over the place but recently he got a new one from work which doesn't have his work emails on (he said its to reduce stress) and he has been keeping it close at hand.

HandyWoman Sun 29-May-16 19:38:57

These recent developments (him being distracted by his affair) make ideal circumstances in which you can squirrel all your documents together and get to a solicitor and serve divorce papers on this abusive man.

Nothing to stay for, is there. I can't see how the receipt changes anything....

gamerchick Sun 29-May-16 19:39:37

Would proof give you the shove you need to get rid? There are plenty of reasons in your post even without that one.

justnodandsmile Sun 29-May-16 19:39:59

I think you might be right anyfucker, but I need to know sad

notapizzaeater Sun 29-May-16 19:40:48

Sounds like he's having or heading for an affair. I'd start getting your house in order ready.

smilingeyes11 Sun 29-May-16 19:41:05

Why do you need proof of an affair to leave. You already said he treats you as your are irrelevant - why on earth do you stay with him?

wobblywonderwoman Sun 29-May-16 19:42:31

Hold onto the receipt as evidence

Why not just pressure its the truth and keep quiet while you gather more evidence ans get your affairs in order

horrible for you flowers

wobblywonderwoman Sun 29-May-16 19:42:51

presume

smilingeyes11 Sun 29-May-16 19:44:01

Why do you need to know?

PrizePork Sun 29-May-16 19:47:21

I get why you need to know. I found out the hard way and it ruined me I wish I had left him and been the stronger person instead he left my heart broken and broke..

get everything together and then get rid of him

AnotherEmma Sun 29-May-16 19:50:15

It sounds extremely likely that he's having an affair. All the classic signs are there. However, that's almost irrelevant given these comments:
"Our relationship is pretty shit. He treats me like I'm irrelevant, is controlling, critical and unkind"
"he controls all our money"

It sounds like he is abusive. I suggest you read these links, call Women's Aid for advice and support, and get legal advice.
signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
the abuser profiles

Let this likely infidelity be the final push you need to LTB. First things first, you need to sort out access to your own bank account.

justnodandsmile Sun 29-May-16 19:50:23

I need to know because I need the strength to cause such a huge upheaval.

AnotherEmma Sun 29-May-16 19:52:20

I don't think knowing the sordid details will necessarily give you strength. Getting support (from Women's Aid, friends and family), information (from a lawyer) and access to money will give you strength.

justnodandsmile Sun 29-May-16 19:52:43

Thank you for all of your advice, I think I need to start sorting things out and take some time to get my head in order. Not sure how to get access to our bank account though without directly asking him which would definitely cause suspicion. I might ring the bank and see if they can help.

smilingeyes11 Sun 29-May-16 19:53:48

But you already have enough reason to get rid surely? An affair is a deal breaker but being treated like rubbish is enough to make you stay? I don't understand why you think you deserve so little. Or do you think being treated in this way is an acceptable blueprint to show to your DC of how you would like them to be treated?

HoppingForward Sun 29-May-16 19:54:39

I think an affair is the least of your problems.

Do you have your own money coming into the house?

PurpleWithRed Sun 29-May-16 19:54:49

Who cares if he's having an affair (and it sounds like he is). Get your ducks i a row right now and start planning a happier future for yourself and your DC. Going into a branch of your bank and asking for the balance and an online login would be a good start.

AnotherEmma Sun 29-May-16 19:55:45

Yes you can call the bank or just go to a branch - take ID with you.

justnodandsmile Sun 29-May-16 20:00:06

Anotheremma- thank you for those links. Hurts to see it written down but that was probably what I needed.

AnotherEmma Sun 29-May-16 20:02:47

flowers

fastdaytears Sun 29-May-16 20:04:23

The strength you need could come from knowing that this isn't an acceptable way to treat you- whether or not there's anyone else.

It will be an upheaval but by the sounds of things it will be better than the last 10 years have been.

Lilacpink40 Sun 29-May-16 20:14:13

I had subtle signs for a few months before I outrighly asked DH if he was having an affair. He was, so is now my STBXH. I'm glad I asked and overall I think I'm the stronger person. We had problems and I tried to end things by talking, but he said he wanted to work on things then was the big nasty baby having an affair to cushion him from the pain of our relationship ending. It is awful to go through, but I am so glad to not live my ex anymore. So if this happens to you please know it can be ok flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now