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Please help me to understand something

(26 Posts)
Needtounderstand000 Sun 29-May-16 09:40:53

I am not a new poster but registered again due to forgetting my password to namechange.

Things between me and dh have been rocky for a few years. He felt not supported, I felt not appreciated, we made some poor decisions, had traumatic family incidents etc. He had a lot of councelling, mainly about his issues with boundaries and also to do with things that happened in his past, realising that the relationship dynamic were wrong (he felt that I was in control over him as main earner etc) and he started to assert himself more, expecting my behaviour to change too to make our relationship a better place. I struggled with that, felt like a rug had been pulled from under my feet. It's not that I did not want to change the dynamics but felt left alone with it.

Dh distanced himself from me to "build his own life". Part of this was a friendship with a women he from work. They met every now and again for walks, drinks etc. This was hard for me but I acknoledged that it was important for him; I was jealous though. Things got worse and I suspected more between them. Dh reassured me that they were only friends but that it was a deep friendship. He did not want me to meet her. Long story short, I checked his emails, which I am not proud off. Long emails about all sorts of things, but getting more and more intimate, endearing terms like sweethard, my love,thinking of you a million times a day etc. She is leaving the country for a while and he is giving her a very personal and intimate thing to take with her. Full blown emotional affair.

I confronted him and he admitted to loving her. What I need to get straight is what he said to me (paraphrased): "It just shows that I have no privacy in this relationship, I can't even have a private email account. There would have been a chance for us if you had not intervened and had just left me to sort this myself. I had a foot in both camps." I asked him whether this 'sorting' would have included cutting contact with her. He said "no, I need this for me and I will have this".

Please, am I going crazy or is this warped?

Needtounderstand000 Sun 29-May-16 09:42:37

Sorry for typos. I did not proof read blush.

DeathStare Sun 29-May-16 09:49:27

OP I'm so sorry but I think the only thing to understand is that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and is blaming you because he can't.

This is not your fault and it is not reasonable for him to expect that he keeps both his marriage and his emotional affair.

ThinkPinkStink Sun 29-May-16 09:53:06

He is being grossly unfair. I've seen it and heard it hundreds of times: person A is caught out so blames person B for some imaginary misdemeanour.

It seems that at this point is he not capable of giving you (or anyone) the adult, honest, mutually respecting relationship you deserve.

Do you have an exit strategy? If so, now's the time to start executing it he has made and continues to make poor decisions, which impact your happiness xx

Absinthe9 Sun 29-May-16 09:55:58

However he dresses it up he is cheating. All the fine words about having space for himself actually mean that he is not committed to you and frankly him expecting you to hang about while he expends all his attention and emotional energy on someone else is just bollocks.

Its all about him isn't it? What about you and what you want and are entitled to expect from a relationship? You are every bit as important as him.

I'm sorry, but I think it is time to accept that this is not a good relationship and to start looking after yourself.

hownottofuckup Sun 29-May-16 09:56:20

Totally warped. You deserve much better. It's not you, it's him.
Honestly, LTB.

hownottofuckup Sun 29-May-16 09:56:53

Oh and having boundaries doesn't mean treating others like shit.

thedogdaysareover Sun 29-May-16 10:01:06

You're not going crazy. He wanted privacy in order to conduct an emotional affair outside his current relationship. Oh the poor boy, that you wouldn't give that to him! What are you like, you selfish thing? ;)

If this was a normal person he would have been ashamed at the deceit, regardless of his feelings for her. He should have been ashamed and he isn't. If you want to get emotional with another woman, you should shit or get off the pot. He should not be blaming you for causing it. What a dick.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Sun 29-May-16 10:02:41

It's fine for him to sort out his life and his head. It is not fine for him to make you feel like you're to blame for his problems and want you to suffer. He definitely is having an emotional affair and then trying to make it your fault. Personally I'd tell him to leave so you can sort your head out and get your self-worth back again. Good luck OP flowers

Needtounderstand000 Sun 29-May-16 10:03:56

I am not saying that I have been an angel btw. I can be stubborn, moody and am certainly not always easy to live with. I just feel that he should have been honest about her (he says he couldn't as I have been unapproachable and there are a lot of things I don't know about him). He is making me feel as if I drove him towards her because she gave him what I didn't, which is true I suppose. Just wished he would have been honest. We probably would have split anyway but this is even worse. I feel like crap.

thedogdaysareover Sun 29-May-16 10:09:11

My husband would love it if I earned more than him. He would be proud, he would not be acting like an egobound twat and falling into another's arms because I threatened his manhood and he felt controlled. God, talk about blaming you for being a success, this fucker should flounce right out the door for a walk with his friend, a woman so nice she would go for walks with another woman's bloke, with your boot in the seat of his pants. They can love each other a million times a day then, without your chronic interference you demanding harpy! Honestly, big hugs, find your self-esteem he is a big old loser.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 29-May-16 10:09:36

Christ, grab your dignity back with both hands - kick the pathetic sod out and get a divorce, pronto.

thedogdaysareover Sun 29-May-16 10:11:21

You can be all of those things and your partner should love you and work it through with you. You don't have to be perfect. Not surprised you've been feeling on edge with this sort of bollocks in the background. You know when someone's just not there emotionally. You knew this before you found out I would imagine.

Hissy Sun 29-May-16 10:21:27

Oh he can have privacy alright, private email, private conversations, private thoughts and deeds

In his own fucking house in his own fucking single life. Away from you.

How on earth can he be this stupid?

He's cheating. He's lying. He's history. Tell him to go.

umizoomi Sun 29-May-16 10:22:55

Ok, so you are having problems in your relationship.

That is not an excuse to run to another woman.

He is essentially blaming you for his affair, you for snooping in his emails therefore YOU are responsible for the breakdown of your marriage. Life isn't like that, it takes two to tango.

He wants his cake and eat it and to absolve himself of all responsibility. He has told you he loves her and he will keep seeing her. He needs this. Selfish pig, tell him to take a running jump.

Strawberryjam34 Sun 29-May-16 10:34:21

I had all this blame heaped on me by my husband who has also had a EA
I wasn't loving enough, I have acted like a bitch (try and have you heart broken and see how you react), I have continually pushed him away and that I have harassed and stalked him - this was me highlight the lies he was telling!
Now he has started saying that its me that wants to split up, its me that wants a divorce and that I haven't fought hard enough for this marriage wtf! To be honest I just try to ignore him now and I feel a lot better for this! I know I was a bloody amazing wife and I was the main earner - so I have little time for any of the blame he heaps on me. It's boring now to be honest!

Dolphinsanddinosaurs Sun 29-May-16 10:41:13

That is definitely warped. He is basically saying for your relationship to have a chance, you have to turn a blind eye to his affair. It is bizarre that he can say that, and actually think in any way that is a reasonable thing to request of you.

hellsbellsmelons Sun 29-May-16 10:45:46

Where's your self esteem?
Your back bone?
Why the hell are you putting up with this?
No man and I mean no man is worth this shit.
He had absolutely no respect for you.
Tell him to leave so you can have some space and time to think about what YOU want.
It really is all about him isn't it.
He's a selfish cock.
Don't put up with it
Don't do the 'pick me' dance.
Get him gone. Then make a decision.

Penfold007 Sun 29-May-16 10:46:16

OP it's really quite simple he has checked out of your relationship and is having an affair. I'm really sorry your going through all of this. Take control and decide what you want to do, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Needtounderstand000 Sun 29-May-16 11:39:53

Wow. Thank you, I needed this. I might print these responses. Strawberry, I'm sorry that you went through this. Have you separated?

DeathStare Sun 29-May-16 11:51:43

Of course he wants to convince you that you drive him to her, because that absolves him of any guilt.

The truth is nobody can drive their partner to someone else. They can possibly drive their partner away (though in a committed relationship I would hope the person who felt driven away would say this before it was too late) but nobody can drive their partner to someone else.

theredjellybean Sun 29-May-16 12:08:02

OP - there is only one way out of this...him out the door.

As you say you would likely have split up anyway, so take back that control he didnt like you having and make decisions for you .

I have only once said LTB but this is my second ...LTB, no better still kick him out.

he was cheating on you, and has the gall to say he needs this, it is for him, and he frankly has no intention of stopping.

Strawberryjam34 Sun 29-May-16 12:11:35

Yes we have separated and I am starting the process of a divorce at the moment - the sooner the better. He wouldn't admit adultery so I am having to go for unreasonable behaviour instead. sad It is difficult though as he is still hanging around as we have a joint mortgage and also a child! I have kept out of his way for the last few days and I feel so much stronger for it. I can't live a lie, or a life where I've been treated like second best (I'm too fabulous for that lol!) - so I have decided to sever my ties! It hasn't been easy though and I have spent months in limbo wondering if it could be saved - its hard just to turn of your emotion for someone especially when you have had no say in the situation!
The last few months have been agony. But I'm getting there now and I will sort myself out. I am quite looking forward to the future smile

This summed up the life I was living perfectly "Don't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell". You need to take back control and you will feel much better for it - I do. Take care xxx

memyselfandaye Sun 29-May-16 12:19:05

He's a twat, life shouldn't be that hard, take control of your own life and get rid.

Like others have said, find your self esteem, you deserve better so make the changes.

The personal intimate thing he's bought her seems like a vibrator, and if that's the case he sounds like a sex pest. Can you really have an ounce of respect for him?

Needtounderstand000 Sun 29-May-16 12:33:06

strawberry, this sounds tough but you seem strong. Good luck and take care of yourself! (I think I will have to find my inner fabolousness)

memyself, no not a vibrator. He claims not to have had sex with her but refuses to say what they have done as it's private hmm I don't really care to be honest. I think my wording was wrong. Something personal to him and not something you would give to a friend as a farewell gift. More like a reminder of him for her.

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